alright sg (can i call you that, please), i'm ready to start - and i so much appreciate that you agree to work with me.
What are things you love about when you two were in love? What were you DOING together?
1. we fired ceramic wood kilns together (both ceramic artists, though i haven't worked in 6 yrs and that created a distance between us because it was the thing that we really connected on) and the connection was really intense
2.we gardened together and landscaped
3. talked about ceramics for hours
4. we helped each other in our work - whatever area the other one wasn't so strong in. really supported each other's work
i realize as i write this list, that most of what we did together involved ceramics. the things we didn't do were at the top of h's list of grievances - spend time together alone, going on dates, encourage each others hobbies etc.
in the beginning of the sitch, i suggested that we should do something fun together, just the 2 of us to find out whether we could have fun and he said -no, i don't want to find out if we have fun together . s was born so soon after we met - we had only hung out together for a few months, that we didn't really establish those kinds of things. then with a newborn, we became consumed with parenting and work and lost track completely
If you woke up tomorrow and a miracle had occurred and everything was perfect again, what would be your FIRST clue that this has occurred?
wow - that's a hard one!! i'm not even sure where to start?
the warmth was back in his eyes, the anxiety was gone, the sense of him turning back to me instead of away to ow?
or do i need to think of it in terms of an action?
i'll try: that he says he would like to try to make our relationship work
because when you ask that question I feel like you are just dying to know some magic words that will make everything all right, and it won't happen like that.
no, sg - i don't think there are any magic words - i already understood very well that it was action - i think i'm well past the stage of that.
today i spent some time thinking about little goals that i could work towards, and finally realized that each one i thought of, my reaction to it was - oh he's so against that right now, that's too big of a goal. then i talked myself into a more PMA, and decided that i could have very small goals, and even if they don't seem achievable, i could at least start there.
so here are some of them
1. h asks me to join him and s when they are together to do some little activity 2. when we talk, that i shut up more and more, and really learn to LISTEN better 3. h stops feeling and implying that i am helpless and need his help until i get back on my feet (his words) 4. h feels comfortable enough to have a meal at the house with s and me 5. h feels that he can be safe with the three of us together - the last 3 months it seems as if he doesn't allow that , because it feels so good and he has to fight that feeling as hard as he can 6.that i use every interaction as an opportunity for a positive interaction
i notice that these goals are very "h-oriented" am i along the right track? also i don't know if these sorts of goals are the ones i should be starting with - i think they come from a place within myself about what i miss the most in this separation
my goals for myself: 1. stop being so pulled in to the sitch and turn my focus more and more towards other things in my life like my work and my friends 2. add more structure to my day - so that i am really working in a focused way rather than in between spending time on the board here 3. focus on myself and my own healing that is still very much in progress 4. meet new people 5. apply for some part time teaching jobs for the fall 6. start my yoga practice again which i have blown off for the last 3 weeks
sorry this was so long
hope i'm on the right track
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
