Needing some guidance... 4

[jks]

Wow, a lot to think about, 25. You are really quite amazing in so many ways.

My depression started, I think, from my childhood. Very dysfunctional family... alcoholic father who didn't really play a huge part in my life, a mother that had major anger issues (which is where I get it from) and crazy brothers and sisters that were constantly getting into major trouble.

I had good friends growing up, which I think is the only thing that "saved" me. But my self esteem has always been low just due to the fact that I never really liked my personality. People think I'm weird when I tell them that but it has been something I've struggled with my entire life.

I also was not raised with good cleaning habits. Our house was always a mess. My mom was a semi-hoarder which all has carried on into my M.

H's mother is the complete opposite. She is overkill on the cleaning and cannot stand to see a mess. Which carries on into H. We were a perfect match from the start, huh!!

I didn't ever realize that I had depression and that I had it so severely up until a year or so ago. Add on Adult ADD and I am a hot mess. H and I both didn't know what to do so therefore we just kept on with more of the same.

As I had more children my depression deepened. I had too much responsibility that I couldn't get on top of. My oldest D6 is a difficult child... very high strung, wants her way all the time, and stirs up contention in the home. She tends to stunt any kind of train of thought I ever have because I'm so focused on trying to settle her down, discipline her, or stop her from doing something. She does not mind me at all. (We are working on this.)

So for someone who has ADD already and has to deal with a difficult child, plus two other young children while also dealing with depression because of the fact that I can't get anything done... my world was spiraling downward fast. I was always angry, moody, and snappy. H has always been kind and easygoing with me.

But there were times that I could tell I had really hurt him. I was too prideful sometimes to recognize it and apologize. There were times that I would cry and tell him that I was so sorry for the things that I put him through and I was sorry I didn't help more. I told him, I try to, I don't know what it is, I just can't do it. Too much going on in my head and bad habits had formed over the years that were hard to change.

He continued to enable me which eventually left me paralyzed. I literally would walk in a messy room and just stare at it and not know where to start. So I would NEVER start. My head couldn't take it.

This has been my main thing I have been working on along with changing my attitude towards life. I was "Debbie Downer." And this is why I hated myself so much.

I still struggle a little everyday to follow through with some tasks but for the majority of the time, I'm pretty on top of things now. And it feels really good to take control of my life again.

So when H states that I seem more put together... I'm pretty sure that's what he means. I'm not perfect at it, but I've come to realize that the perfectionist in me is the reason I got there in the first place. It doesn't have to be perfect. It just needs to get done. I get it now.

Also, I wanted to explain what I meant by "long suffering." I see it as enduring to the end. Not giving up through hard times. I didn't mean to be a martyr and to cause other people to suffer. Just wanted to clarify on that.

So many times I have turned to God to help me know what to do, or help me ease my pain. And so many times I am reminded that if I continue to do the things I should be doing... things will work out the way they are supposed to. I have a closer R with God now than I've ever had in my entire life. I feel like this was also a big reason for me needing to experience this tragedy because I needed to change my priorities in a major way.

The last thing I wanted to talk about was making H "work" to get me back. I meant that as him really showing me that he wants this. Not just telling me. What would that take? Well, for starters... the obvious, cut off all contact with OW. Make me a priority. (That was a huge thing lacking in our R. Everything else came before each other, we both realize that.) Put forth the effort to share his feelings with me... open up more.

For so long I've felt like I have put myself out there so much and I made myself really vulnerable. I realize I did that last night as well. I need to stop doing that. He really has this way of making you feel like you can trust him. You can tell him anything and it will be safe with him.

I'm learning that I can't really trust him right now and so those things need to be kept to myself until he's completely ready to commit. If that day ever comes.