HUGE Update…not all good news, but an update nevertheless.
H and I had a R conversation this morning. All of it wasn’t gravy, but overall I think I did pretty well. I don’t remember the order of everything, but I’ll try to make sure I include everything.
First, H is being laid off from his job as of today. Last night H came home and we talked about the lay off. He then got on the computer then I didn’t hear anything for a while. He was asleep. I was tired myself so I climbed into bed. I got to sleep and then he woke up and said he had planned to ask me if I wanted to watch a movie. I said I did if he felt like it. We ended up watching “Wrath of the Titans”…snuggling at all.
Today’s conversation started out with me asking him what the plan was for going to NC for his aunt’s funeral. Originally he wasn’t going to go since he couldn’t get off of work. Then he told me yesterday he still didn’t want to go to the funeral because he didn’t want that to be his last memory of her. He’s planning on staying a few extra days so I will be driving my own car down so I can drive back on Sunday.
Also during the conversation he brought up that he had forgot to do some work to my car that he had said he was going to do. I told him I understood because he had so much on his mind with the layoff. I said I needed to get an oil change before we left. He said he would take my car in tomorrow for me.
Then I couldn’t help myself. I asked him if he planning on just looking for jobs here where we live. He said he would start his search here, but he was leaving his options open. (At that point I knew…) I said okay, that I just needed to know so I could figure out my own finances. He said he understood that.
Then I asked if that meant he was going to be looking for jobs in NC where OW lives. He said no, he would not. He had this same look on his face as before (I figured the look out from when they were arguing before). I said okay. I said so you’re still planning to leave. He said yes. I said well why are you still here? He says he hasn’t had the money to move with the surgery and all. That he wanted to get the bills (the ones he pays) caught back up. I said with the straightest face I could muster that he could have left before the surgery. His response was that some of the bills were behind then. (I knew that, but not enough to keep him here. It was only one bill he hadn’t paid for a month, but I digress). I said so you’ve been saving money? He says he spent all the money he saved.
Then the R talk started, and it went kind of downhill. Cheryl had told me to ask him if he would consider staying 6 months with both of us trying to work on the marriage. So I asked him then. He just shook his head and said no. That he had tried. I asked him why we couldn’t both be trying at the same time. It’s funny before he was adamant about leaving. Now…not as much. I don’t know if that’s indifference or the beginnings of second thoughts.
I brought up looking for a job where OW lives again. He said no. That when he leaves he is not looking to be with anyone, just himself so he can get himself together (go to school, etc.). I said because I know you were planning on living together before (when I first found out). He had that look on his face again when he said “Things have changed with that.” And just shook his head.
I asked him why he couldn’t do all that (school, music, whatever) and be married at the same time. He said he didn’t want to be married anymore. Said he never wanted to be hurt like I hurt him again. I then brought up second chances, and how it seemed like everyone in his life was getting one but me. He seemed caught off guard by that, like he hadn’t thought of it that way. I said I’ve forgiven you for your affair (I didn’t know I had until that very moment. But I do still think about it almost every day) and while I know you feel I hurt you, I never ever did anything as bad as that…even when I had the chance.
I told him that I understand that he says he tried. Because to him, he did. But how was I supposed to know that if he didn’t talk to me. He says he owns his part in this – that he’s a bad communicator (there’s so much more…he just doesn’t see it yet). I said because before you blamed me for everything, and have never told me anything different. He said he didn’t. I repeated word for word what he told me originally and it was like he didn’t even remember saying it. He said he said that because he was so hurt. I said and angry. He admitted he was angry and had wanted a divorce before the affair but didn’t know how to say it. I said I basically begged him over and over to tell me what was wrong. He said we went to counseling and he tried to implement the things we were to work on but it never seemed to work. I said but we never tried working on those things together.
I did tell him that while I understand he’s in a place where he is ready to leave, I have not gotten to that place yet. He said he knew. I was honest and said I hadn’t given up on us yet, and when I got to the place that I was ready to let go, that I wanted to feel like I had done everything I could to save our M. And that I couldn’t look myself in the face yet and say I had done that. But that I couldn’t stop him from leaving.
I did do something that is a definite no-no and bring up my changes. Only because he said he didn’t want to be hurt like that again. I told him I understood and that I didn’t want to be a person that could hurt him like that again. I said the things I’ve done the past few months since I found out about you’re A…there’s no way I could have done that being the person I was. He had this incredulous look on his face like he couldn’t believe I had done it either and said I know. I told him I’ve been learning a lot about me and things I didn’t like I changed. That at first they were for us…but now they are for me. Because I realized I don’t’ have to be that person anymore. And I said you can’t imagine how it hurts to know I won’t get the chance to show you that.
I was calm during most of the conversation, except for that last part when I teared up. But I pulled it together. Based on his comments and reactions, I know he’s noticed my changes. I just don’t think he believes them. Which is par for course. But I do know how he has reacted to my changes. That he can’t deny. As far as I’m concerned this changes nothing for me, except a friend advised me to take a step back. Not sure how much of a step back. I still don’t think LRT is right just yet, but I do believe I’m coming up on a time when it will.
He came to kiss me goodbye this morning and gave me a fierce hug. I said I love you, too. And made a bad joke about even if you want to leave me. (I know…I know!) That’s when he stopped and said that he wanted to do something nice for me since he had money now. I told him he didn’t have to. I said because it makes me think you are trying to make up for wanting to leave, and I do not want you to do that. He said it wasn’t because of that. He said I had taken such good care of him during the surgery that he wanted to do something nice for me – dinner or whatever I wanted. He said it didn’t have to be tonight since we’re leaving tomorrow.
Today is his last day at work. He just called me to tell me he was off of work and was headed home to change clothes and go do some window shopping. I asked him if he was okay about everything at work. He said yes, he was just tired. He took that nap yesterday after he got home and ended up being up until about 3 am. Told me to call him with what I wanted to for dinner and he’d pick it up.
I’m feeling better that I’m not in so-called limbo, and I’m sure I’ll be hurting a bit when he actually does leave. I get the feeling he still isn't sure that leaving is what he wants to do. I think change is what he needs and he thinks changing his marital status should be that change. He's in for a rude awakening when he realizes that won't help how he's feeling.
But the fat lady hasn’t sung just yet. All I’ve got is time…
Just working through this in my head...roll with me. I just had a conversation with a friend telling her the latest development. It got me to thinking that maybe H thinks we can't come back from his A. Definitely the old me would have made his life H#LL. And he's definitely ashamed of it. I know there's nothing I can do to prove to him otherwise.
I told him this morning that it was funny that he used to tell me all the time to let him in, and when I eventually did (or what I thought was letting him in) he had an affair, and now won't let me in. What a turn of events!
I did remember what I said to him about OW that made me think something was just not quite right with that. I said something about goint to church, and he said he was so ashamed because of his A. I said but you haven't stopped. That's when he told me "things had changed with that". It's like he just won't come out and admit that they might be over. What does he think I'm going to do beg and plead at that point? Not likely. The new and improved but back-to-some-of-the-good-parts-of-the-old me, knows that for sure.
I swear I have no idea how to assure him. I will say that the girlfriend stuff DEFINITELY worked. Cheryl knows what she's talking about. The only way I can think to show him is to just do it - as in don't bring it up, continue to be my happy self I've become again, etc.
I will admit that romancing hiim did cross my mind. After I realized I should have initiated last night when I thought about it and now that I probably won't get any for a while LOL. I'm not sure romancing is the right thing to do. How could romancing him assure him? Granted I haven't done any real romancing in a long time, so he'd probably keel over from surprise. LOL
Trying not to become OCD about my sitch like I was at the beginning.
But...(there's always a but isn't it? LOL) H did not kiss me hello when he came in today. I'm not sure if he thought I wouldn't want him to or he just didn't want to. It's the first time since I initiated the hello kisses (a couple of months ago I think) that we haven't done that.
I didn't say anything about it...even though I wanted to go up and kiss him, but didn't. Maybe I won't have to step back. Maybe he's doing it for me. *shrug*
