First off, my dad is home, and doing much MUCH better than he was several months ago. It was scary, and we came close to losing him a few times. I give my heartfelt thanks to everyone who's shown concern.
Now, down to the reason I'm here...
We're starting MC on Thursday. I'm nervous. REALLY nervous.
Things have been both eventful and confusing since I last posted. We resumed a somewhat romantic relationship, though there was never a commitment to work things out. It was "one day at a time" for weeks. I worked hard to remember and keep alive the things I learned here, but the trap is getting comfortable. Unfortunately, I let some of it slip.
As of today, it's been 133 days since my last drink. Still don't really think about it, except when I want to recall how long it's been. And when watching Anthony Bordain's No Reservation.
So what was I doing? Good question, let me try and remember:
-cook -maintain pma -took more initiative on watching S -concerted effort to not make excuses -no drinking -got a new job -general serving as situations arised
We didn't argue, we smiled and laughed, we had sex... superficially, it was great, but the new elephant in the room was that no progress was being made. NOTHING was changing, for better or worse.
I lost my last job about a month and a half ago as a cumulitive effect of missed days over the last year. I was unemployed for just over a week before I was working again, but I'd lost my insurance, and my new job, while a much better deal for me overall, doesn't supply insurance until after a probationary period. I ran out of my anti-depressants. I started stretching out what I had remaining, the end result being extended withdrawal symptoms, I guess. I don't know if this would be a legitimate excuse (yes, I know what I said above about making excuses... not TRYING to be a hypocrite, but apparently being one anyway).
My mood started getting erratic. I'd be fine for a couple of days, then just have a day where my mood was terrible, and I just could not seem to smile to save my life. They seemed to get gradually worse, but never really for more than a day, until I spent a whole day in bed. W was at work, S was with me. I tried to pay attention to him, but I gave into my own selfishness. W was understandably furious when she came home to find me drinking coffee and I told her why.
There was another instance where I was kind of down, but we were kind of playing around in my bed, when I said something extremely vulgar and offensive. She wasn't mad right way, but I think it was the kind of thing that bothers you more the more you think about it in a situation so delicate. I got too FAMILIAR. It wasn't about other people or anything else, just using really gross terms. I'm too embarassed to even repeat it.
I don't know who the hell I was in these two instances. In retrospect, I feel like I didn't have control over myself. They're certainly not things I'd do now. I was being selfish.
While I've apologized for both of these events, it's clear that they were some MAJOR mis-steps.
I'm glazing over a lot of details here. Like a lot of my posts recently, too much has happened to remember it all right now, and I really don't have much time to spend on this... I'll add more as it becomes relevant, I guess.
I say all that to tell about the last week-to-10 days. Father's Day weekend was perhaps the best weekend I've had since before all this stuff began. I felt loved, comfortable, hopeful for the future. All of what I talked about happened before this.
The following week, she slowly reverted back to the mode she was in just prior to the separation. I'm not sure if it was something I did, or just a cumulative effect of the above incidents. I guess it doesn't matter. We'd been talking about MC more and more, and we both realized that having sex again was what threw us off the course we were on 3 months ago.
Three nights in a row, the talk came up. The conversations started off with a completely different topic, but inevitably wound up in her telling me how I trigger her bad moods. I was blindsided, and tried to get back into DB mode on the fly. I validated and maintained eye contact as much as I could, but on the third day, I spoke up.
She was getting upset about how I was still trying so hard to keep us together, how I won't see or give her what she needs, but she declined to say what it was. I told her I understood how she felt, but it was unfair to expect me to accept that and be happy about it for her.
One of her complaints was about how we hadn't reconnected emotionally. We haven't been communicating about the relationship, only the day-to-day stuff. I brought that up, and asked her how she expected to reconnect emotionally if we weren't communicating. This did somewhat end the conversation, but not with us stomping off to our rooms. We continued to stay around each other. She told me that she loved some things about us, but didn't know if the relationship could be rekindled.
Did I make a mistake? It's hard to say from the mood in the house. Things haven't beeen as tense the last two or three days, I even got a little kiss as thanks for making and bringing her lunch to work on Sunday... I know that from the strict 37-rules approach, I've probably effed up big time.
I know it looks like we're in MC now only as a result of the last week, but I'd already set the appointment a day or two before the "big three". As for why it took so long, I do accept the blame for it. I should have moved before she had a chance to remember why she was so upset. I can blame schedules all day long, but I just didn't push hard enough.
So, does anyone have any advice for handling the MC? During the fights, she expressed uncertainty about the R, but more on the side of ultimately getting a D. I know I need to validate, let her speak, don't blame, etc... what am I missing?
Me: 31 W: 28 M: almost 6 T: 10.5 S2 Bomb#1: 05/11 Bomb#2: 11/11 S'd: 11/28/11 Moved back in: 12/28/11 MC: 06/28/12
