WHG: And so we file...

[Ctflor]

I agree with 2thepoint.

She acts very childlike with you sometimes. She is the child and you are the father. She stamps her feet when she doesn't get her way and storms off in a tantrum. She doesn't seem to handle herself or some of her affairs like a grown woman. She seems to be acting out a role with you at times. She is the rebellious child trying to break free from her father, but when she needs something she comes running back for support.

I'm going to guess that if you told her that you can't be her sounding board anymore, it won't go over well at all. She will tantrum about it, and once she settles down, she will start looking at herself a little more deeply.

Because you fill a role for her, and you act the part, she feels safe. This is why she reacts badly whenever you do something such as, take a phone call rather than listen to her.

[workinghardguy]

CT I think you're pretty accurate there. That's been much of the dynamic over the years as well. Breaking that dynamic is hard.

Things have been better since having her pick the kids up here. I think it's that she's not home and can't just relax, and after 13 hours of work/travel you're ready for that. So she's eager to get home.

We've had limited interaction. When we do it's still positive and cordial, whatever that means. Yesterday morning I had to call her and wake her up (I did wait until 9am). Our volunteer group is on alert to help with a search for a missing aircraft and I needed to know if SS could go. Practice search missions are one thing, but real ones involve potential dead bodies and the like so I wanted to make sure she was on-board. She agreed to it so we hung up.

About 20 minutes later she called to say that she had arranged child care for the nights of the mission if I get activated. I had already taken care of that, but I thought it was nice of her to do.

Anyway, I've kept this weekend quiet trying to get caught up on projects that I'm way behind on. S is with my W this weekend which is a bit of downer being Father's Day weekend and all. But we got to spend all day Friday together and today I am picking him up after lunch to go to a play together and dinner.

On Friday S had a little meltdown talking about how he hates mommy for the divorce. We talked it out but I can see the dichotomy starting in his little head. "I hate mommy, I love mommy"... it's all so confusing for a six year old. He hasn't shown any behavior symptoms and appears to be handling it. Just hard to watch your kids hurt. When I asked him why he thinks mommy asked for the divorce he says that's what his sister told him.

Well... she's right so it's hard to stay the party line of equal responsibility, but I try.

[workinghardguy]

Well remember we don't have a divorce decree, heck we haven't even filed so nothing really to revise I did get my S though on Father's Day. W was perfectly fine with it. I picked him up after lunch and we went to a play. The first play he's ever been to. W actually texted me before I came over warning me that S had been begging to stay overnight with me because it was Father's Day. So I ended up having him the whole night. When I got over there W gave me a wall hanging from the DIY pottery studio we frequent that says "We love you Dad". S's and SD's fingerprints were on it and decorated. It was cute. S had made a card too.

Actually it's been a good week. Had all the kids last night. I offered, she didn't request. W worked at 8 am this morning which means the kids would've had to get up at 6:15 to be to my place so W could leave for work. So instead I had a sleepover so the kids could sleep in this morning if they wanted to.

I also asked their dad if I could have them this weekend, knowing its the big town tractor pull, and he was happy to not have them. So I get a weekend with all three.

I've been working harder at keeping dark. It's easier since I don't see W nearly as much as I did during the school year.

One funny moment from Sunday... right after S and I got home and settled the home phone rings. S answers it and gives it to me, it's W. She is all flustered because her new printer isn't working. It wasn't working a few days earlier when I picked up S and at that time I offered to take a look at it (I know... it was instinct... I regretted it as soon as I said it). W declined so I said ok. So now she's calling because the new printer is still not working. She says, "I'm wondering if you can look at it... I mean I don't expect you to come over right now". For once my brain actually kicked in before I said anything. And what it told me was the rest of that statement "but I do expect you to come over". I actually got a little mad. Who is she to expect me to cover over and fix her crap? Especially when I offered a few days earlier when I was already there. So I told her that the problem she described sounds like a broken piece or faulty sensor. That I wouldn't be able to do anything with that anyway. She replies, "so you're not going to come look at it?" ... "no point really". She gets cold says she'll talk to me later and hangs up.

S and I went back to having fun together. And for once I didn't have a twinge of guilt about the interaction.

The coda to this is even more poetic... she finally takes the printer in the next day to return it. Oops... she's one day past the return period. She's stuck with a worthless $90 printer. Now she's fighting it out with the printer manufacturer.

She did remind me the other morning as I picked up S that we need to meet and notarize our D paperwork. I replied with my standard line, "whenever, you just let me know, I'm pretty available during the day." I figure a little retribution for not rushing to her aid on the printer. Funny woman.

[jbnati]

WHG I am glad to hear you had your S on Father's day.

Good job on the printer situation. She wants the D. You're not going to rush to her aid anymore.

Sounds like you're doing pretty well overall.

[workinghardguy]

Had a great weekend. All three kids were with me Fri, Sat, and today. We had a lot of fun. Made pottery, went for ice cream, did some volunteering, played with the water slide for hours, worked in the garden, went and saw Brave, and all of the kids are addicted to Skyrim go figure

W just picked them up. That's always the hard part. Sort of beside myself the last two hours before W picked them up. At least got myself together so they didn't see it and I could spend the final hour with them having fun and relaxing.

But now they're gone. House goes from crazy to quiet in 30 seconds.

It's moments like this I work hard to look through the lens of being blessed. I had three great days with all of them. I'll get to see them again soon. Realized today that next time I think we'll all go river tubing. They've never river tubed.

Still feel sad though. Sense of loss. It is what it is.

Ah well... lots of putting the house back together to do Wish I could be like the dog... just pass out for the exhaustion.

[sayitaintso]

But now they're gone. House goes from crazy to quiet in 30 seconds.

I totally get this WHG and its still hard for me at times. It has gotten better to deal with over time but it is hard.

Have a great week!

[workinghardguy]

Stopped for a short minute tonight at W's house to drop off my S's baseball glove as he has tee ball in the morning. Today was my W's first day of on-line classes for her masters program. So I decided to be polite and just ask how the first day of classes went. When will I learn

She started unloading. Kids were at her house all day with the babysitter. Rather than putting her foot down with the sitter she let herself get interrupted. Yada, yada, yada. I let her go about 30 seconds and then cut her off and said I had to go. She asked if maybe the sitter could have the kids at my house tomorrow. Said no, I'm working from home tomorrow too and planned on quiet in my house to do that. She got stiff and cold, said fine and that she'd see me Wednesday when she drops S off.

Getting better at cutting her off and leaving her to her devices. Found myself almost volunteering to have the kids at my place tomorrow when she was venting. But not my problem any more. She's the one who wants to be single-working-mom-in-a-masters-program woman.

[~ kd ~]

So... who would you go to if you needed a respite favour?

Maybe you could have said, "Sorry, tomorrow won't work. If you could give me more advanced notice, I would certainly consider it and maybe you could do the same for me when I need."

You know... just sayin'... maybe that's a different approach you could try...

[~ kd ~]

Exactly, gm23.

For me, there's always the "concern" that I might have to take work out of province (or even in province, but remote) so I do need to keep options available.

As much as I have been "selfish" about not negotiating and giving away my time with the kids, the reality is... if I get offered an appropriate and well paying job, I want to be able to consider it. Always the goal being somewhat temporary, until a new schedule can be worked out...

anyhow, too many words I say above...

Just saying that right now a theme around here seems to be... do something different... and unexpected... and see what happens...

[workinghardguy]

Actually KD I go to my mom or my niece for respite when/if I need it. She has two sisters who live in town literally six blocks away (and both are unemployed) and a mom who lives the same distance from our town as my mom does. They just charge her money to watch the kids so she doesn't like to/want to ask them. Plus they have a "challenged" relationship.

I'd say I'm pretty darn flexible. In fact I've been accused of being too flexible and available in fact.

I've flexed to take them on my off weekends because her employer scheduled her. I've flexed here and there to take them so she can work overtime because she desperately needs the money.

This time I'm drawing the line. She needs to figure this out. It's not okay with me to toss the kids into my house, with no notice, so they can messy up my place, eat my food, and consume my utilities. Just so she can have a quiet place to study.

Sounds petty as I type it I guess, but it is what it is.

It's not that she needs me to be her source of respite.. it's that I'm the easy source of her respite. With her sisters or her mom there's a quid pro quo involved. Well, she chose this path. She can figure it out and if that means she has to swallow her pride and ask her family for help then I guess she'll have to do that.