Needing some guidance... 4

[25yearsmlc]

JKS

you asked me to mentor the sitch and I'm guessing this is the place to do it since you gave me this link.

But I think your thread will lock up soon. I read this whole thread (16 pages) but I know there's more. And I'll get to it.

Here are some observations I feel comfortable making for now.

But correct me if I'm off track or not recapping accurately, b/c only you know if this is on target.

Your marriage had problems before OW. Per your description, YOU were a huge part of why things got bad. In fact, per you, the single biggest factor in the deterioration of things was how you handled life in general.

I cannot find a specific reason for your sadness and anger but unless it's h's fault, I think it's more or less irrelevant. Except that you needed to work on it and I'm so glad you did. Kudos to you for digging deep and working on YOU.

So, Your h did his "job" as father and husband as well as he could, but he did yours too.

You were depressed and overwhelmed and your "condition" or selfishness or laziness or low thyroid or whatever it was, went untreated for a long time, as in, years. Presumably he had a lot of unmet needs.

HE covered for you, and apparently for years, he forgave you.

NOW he's with OW but he's confused AND admits it.

Unlike some PAs around here, he's NOT claiming OW is his "soulmate" or that you are evil.

He's not justifying his choice to leave you.

and thankfully you are not fueling his negative images, which led him to leave in the first place. This is extremely good news.

Also thankfully, you are not pretending you played no role in getting him into OW's arms. (Also good news as two big points have already been made that we don't have to spend time belaboring.)

Your h said a LOT of great things right after the t meeting. But it was right after a therapist spoke about the negatives of divorce. BTW I cannot imagine having a t say a better speech than yours did....(YAY!)

Afterwards your h said nearly all that he could say to make it a nearly perfect event. He did not say "I'm leaving her NOW" which would have been perfect although too sudden to trust, and that's why it's pretty close to perfect. I mean, if he had left her then and there, would you have really felt it was his choice versus guilt?

What struck ME the most about what he said, was that he believed you could not forgive him for the affair.

This is huge. There are many WASs, in my opinion, who would consider or who want to come home

but they don't....b/c they don't believe the LBSer will truly forgive them. (OFTEN they are right).


The WAS thinks/fears that the LBSer will hold the affair over their head like the sword of Damacles or throw it in their face every time there's a fight. IF that happens then the marriage is doomed EVEN IF IT "LASTS" b/c then the worst of all choices has been made..."staying married and staying miserable" is not what's best for your kids.

But your growth, if it's maintained, will help him with his and THAT could give your kids a legacy of commitment, forgiveness and redemption.

There will be conflicts ahead in all marriages so don't pretend you won't be tempted...you will be *(and so will he) so you'll need tools to cope with those matters.

There's also a tendency for the LBSer, in piecing, to feel "entitled" to get their way b/c after all, THEY took the WAS back and they forgave.

But don't forget, your h has a lot of forgiving to do too. You both do. That means once you begin piecing, you don't bring up the affair or any other past misdeeds again...ever. The past has passed.

There will be some "trust issues" that you can work on without throwing it in their face and if you are in a bad mood, he's not supposed to say "Oh no, not THAT again", etc.

Do you understand this? It goes both ways.

If you tell him that in order to regain your trust he has to climb Mt Everest but even then it might not be enough for you OR maybe you'll change your mind and move the line in the sand, again, he'll probably bolt. (Who wouldn't?)

So whatever you mean by saying he'll "have to work" to get you back, be clear that if and when he does this "work" (which I would prefer calling a "labor of love" b/c it's not about him suffering or digging a ditch...right???)

you'll welcome him back with open arms.

You won't stand there w/your arms crossed over your chest still making new demands of him proving his love for you...b/c YOU don't feel secure enough.

make sense?

You mentioned the "value of long suffering" in an earlier post. Maybe it's semantics but none of us are here to become martyrs. If you "value" it I hope that does not mean you think you deserve to suffer OR that your h does.

It's not our job as spouses to make them pay or to "teach them a lesson" or "show them the consequences" of their choices. As my DB coach said, "Life does that to them" and I can tell your h already feels it.

If you want your family back and you want to be married to THIS man, you must accept the past and let go of it, just as he has to.

Focus on the part of the vows that say "From this day forward" b/c I think they are crucial.

Neither of you will ever view your marital history identically anyhow. Heck, witnesses to car accidents can't agree on what they saw, so when 2 emotionally involved folks are asked to recite what happened, AND WHY, they rarely see it the same way.

I had to let go of the concept that my h and I would agree on how we got where we were. I had to let go of the idea that to be together we'd have to agree on our past...

I spent a lot of time, while we were apart, on verbalizing the letting go b/c as an exercise it helped me. Meaning--you asked "how"--

I'd say "God, I turn my pain/anger over to you" and I'd say this in the shower so the kids didn't think I was nuts. I said it A LOT. (Found it in a book by Marianne Williamson, who is too new agey for some but her forgiveness work was VERY helpful to me)

Anyhow, Thinking it, saying it out loud and hearing it, all help it sink in.

At times I turned my marriage over to God too. I had to. It was too much for me to grasp and carry and have all the answers for. And it helped me not "lose it" in front of h. My anger at my h did NOT help me or our marriage at all.

He too felt it was too much for me to get past so there were times he felt like giving up b/c after all, what's the point?

I doubt your h will come home b/c of guilt. A conscience isn't the same thing as guilt, imo. But the fact he said he was ashamed of OW says a lot.

His family is trying to "support" him and I know that hurts you.

But I've been a sister to a brother who did this and I told him in private what I thought. But I also was not going to make a scene at holiday or family functions b/c I did not approve of his choices. I am his sister, not his judge.

Condemning him does no one any good. You don't know what they've privately said or thought.

So let's focus on what we CAN know or do...= YOU and your work.

Were your relationships with his family good before all this, or did they believe you mistreated him?

As much as you say people tell YOU to divorce him these days, might he be able to say the same about the situation in the past?

I mean, if you were the big sad drag you describe yourself as being, might HE have heard those same words at times?

Just food for thought...

SIDENOTE--

You hit the nail on the head when you realized in the grand scheme of things how lucky we are. This is key to making it thru our dark nights...

No one is shooting at us or raping us or kidnapping our son's to be soldiers in their "army". That is happening now, as you read this, to someone else.

We have shelter. A bad storm won't cave in our "home".

We have food and it's in our ELECTRIC refrigerators....we HAVE refrigerators...

and as financially strapped as we may feel, we know there will be some food in there when we open the door to our refrigerator and again, tomorrow there will be something to eat.

WE have access to health care, our children were vaccinated, and they are healthy. We are well too, with no deteriorating illness or debilitating disease nor are we amputees from war or maimed...(my h works with Wounded Warriors and it's a powerful thing to see a 25 y/o woman missing her hands, but feeling that they are "on fire", b/c that is what her nerve endings tell her brain).

We know our h's are alive. They did not disappear in the desert or jungle.

Despite the r problems we have, you know you are physically surviving this day...this week and this month.

These facts ^^^above, mean that our lives are in the top 3% of lives, worldwide....

think about that some time. In the grand scheme of things our pain is real but it's not eternal or fatal. We are far FAR more fortunate than the vast majority of women in the world.

When I hear someone say "this is so unfair" I just say 'Fair'? Go to Africa...


back to YOU, what are your GAL? You have a talent for photography so are you working to increase your income in that?

Have you seen a L to know your rights? (you do not have to DO anything but listen to learn b/c you may feel empowered to stay married, not trapped by fears of what MIGHT happen if you two divorce).

Have you joined a club or taken a class? We hammer the whole GAL thing b/c it really helps YOU FEEL BETTER

and seem less predictable to h, which shows CHANGE on your end

b/c we both know that

the more he believes marriage to you can be better/different,

the more likely he is to want to make it work.

How are YOU showing him that it can be better/different?

What changes can he see in YOU other than weight loss/gain?

Again, kudos to you for all the growth you've experienced.

If you get a chance, look up a workshop called Essential Experience, on the east coast. I don't know where you live but it's profoundly helpful in making real & lasting changes in your life. Seeing the changes in me, led my h to attend it too.

I only mention this b/c weekly sessions with a t, even a great one, are usually not sufficient to make the behavioral changes and the paradigm shifts we have to make.

But regardless, I have to say WELL DONE!