i don't know but this says to me that she's looking for freedom from control. she may think that she does not have enough autonomy in the relationship.
she may feel that it's worth the sacrifice of depending on another so she can get more of what she needs and/or wants?
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
SS….I hear what you’re saying the meaning of the words you wrote. I have never been controlling of her, quite the opposite, I’ve pretty much let her be in control. The things she wants to be her way at least from what she told me are the projects around the home, and I have no problem with that, whether the new kitchen counter is black or purple, are really mute to me, but I understand they are important to her. IMHO things would be much more out of her control in a S or D. Things would be dictated by agreements and courts. I have to believe it’s the 2 other major R in her life she has no control at all over.
The R with her mother and BFF, as I stated early on both have cancer and are actively undergoing treatment with not much hope in either situation. My W has in the last few months switched our family to pretty much all organic diet, at great cost to our monthly budget, and without asking input from me, I have been supportive of this. She reads and researches all the health websites and newsletters, she would love to have her mom and friend do this also but know she can’t control this…it frustrates her I can see. I know that I have contributed to the mess we’re in but I’m starting to feel there is more too it.
I have been reading up on others sitch’s the advise that is given is invaluable. I have not seen much change in my own sitch other than W seems to be more comfortable in the roommate arrangement that we seem to be living under. This is bothersome to me, as I don’t want to be just W’s roommate. W still talk’s in terms of we when we’re talking about non R things. The best I know she is still seeing IC but has had only 2 or 3 visits. In 3 months R has only been talked about maybe 3 times, only once brought up by me fairly early on in sitch. I know that she still isn’t sure she wants to work on M, I know she’s second guessing herself, I know she wants a family for our children.
During a non R talk that was going very well W got very upset when I said that I was not happy about a Doctor’s visit we had had for my oldest son. I said that I thought that Dr. would have done blood test to rule out say mono. W said that I planted a seed in her mind now and just gave her one more F’in thing to worry about. That stuck with me I belive this whole thing really isn’t about us, its about all the other things in her life she has no control over and our R was the only thing she does have that control with, not to say we didn’t have issuses. Last night W told me her mom’s cancer is spreading, I said all the things a good H would say but so just wanted to hug her but she just wont let me in.
Don’t know what im looking for as far as advise just needed to vent some…..
Hello 3KD. I'm married for 28 years also with 3 kids. Hang in their. My H dropped the bomb 3 months ago, but I have been on the roller coaster for 9 months prior. He had me divorced, then reconciled, then divorced, many times in that period. The latest was supposed to be final. I think he is MLC. We still live in the same house but different rooms. Its hard to detach, but on the other hand so many others here would love to be in our shoes.
I'm finally seeing some baby steps in the right direction from Db'ing my a$$ off. As everyone says it take more time that you expect. Patience is the key. I get discouraged all the time. It helps to keep a journal and jot down all the small positive changes that are taking place. Even something like..my H asked me how my day was! Mostly everything is about him.
Keep being consistent. I never let him see me upset. That's what this forum is for and also my loyal friends and family that allow me to lean on them. Really, keep away from the R talk, if your wife feels the pressure of troubles with illness in the family...do your best to take off the pressure. Only talk about things in positives. This is a good mind set for you to be in too, and of course take very good care of yourself.
I speak with a DB coach. If you can do it I highly recommend it. Jody is wonderful for putting things into perspective.
KD – The GAL seems to be the hardest to deal with. 3 day a week I pick kids up from camp at 5:30 get home by 6:00 takes hours or so before there dinners ready 30 more min to eat then bed time routine.
8 o’clock before I even get to sit down. Also because of my job I’m on call at least 2 nights a week so this keeps me close to home because I have to be able to respond to that fairly quickly. As for 180’s I’ve taken to doing much more around the home to help out, this was a complaint of W that I didn’t do enough. Also I have not been angry like I used to be. I was not violent angry or abusive angry just bad mood a lot. We are guilty of spoiling our kids but I was always harder on them than wife I have been working on being more laid back with them, cutting the more slack and just letting them be kids as My W put it.
Galbaby - thanks for sharing your perspective with me it help to know I’m not alone. I also suspect my W is in some sort of mlc though not all the classic symtoms are present.
What do you do when after 3 plus months after BD and W still can’t/won’t make any sort of decision on whether or not she wants to try to work on/ save our M. I am frustrated and really starting to question if I want to work on this… My wife SEEMS to be ok with the roommate living arrangement they we have been enduring the past 3 months, I very much am not. The has been zero emotional/ physical intimacy during this time.
From early in this forum I have been advised not to leave my house or bed. Does there come a time that this would b appropriate? W has no time to miss me or see what life would truly be like if we weren’t together. We are living basically as before BD, sharing kid responsibilities. I have done the 180’s constantly and know they have been noticed.
My wife told me at one point she felt trapped, Well now I feel trapped also. W just found out that her mom will not recive any more treatments for her cancer and will be entering in to Hospice care. Her bff has opted also not to do any more treatments for her cancer at this time. This su@ks!! First off because I know these ppl and love them also, secondly because my W won’t let me close enough to support her, and thirdly because it seem to make our sitch the furthest thing from W mind.
I am scared for my children and my W, if they lose their grandmother (who they are very close to) and their family unit also, I think it will be hard to overcome. Add my W losing her bff and she’ll be left with no one close to her and be a single mom with 3 very distraught and busy children.
W has been going to IC but I know no more than that. The only thing she has shared was that it’s a process and we both need to have patience, which I am really trying to do.
3KidsDad..I know exactly what you mean believe me. Its been 3 months of roommates for me too. No intimacy and no affection from H. Everything else remains the same, working, paying bills, yard work together, preparing meals for the family. I've got to ask...why did you tell me you didn't want to do this any more, but here you are still doing it? Things have improved, but i am very careful not to act too quickly. H has only recently asked me to do some stuff with him (golf) and I am working on friendship. I actually think he is so "proud" he wants me to make the first move. He was never one to apologise or make up first, so this is not unexpected. Difference is I now feel like I am the one who is controlling the dynamic in this relationship.
I am going to move very slowly, even though I hate the waiting, cry (never in front of him) and am beginning to question if its what I really want.
Good luck, keep the faith and have patience patience patience.
GALbaby.... I guess I'm still here doing this because I love my W. I love my kids and I want my family. Kids... I would say are the main reason right now that keeps me focused. W and I had/have what in all aspects would called a low conflict R, I'm certain they don't know there is problems(w and I have become very good actors).
I feel trapped because with the latest developments with their grandmother, who my kids are just starting to realize what is inevatbly is going to happen, and where that will put my W emotionally, what kind of person would that make me to tell her I think we should atleast S.
I'm frustrated ....why did she put a wall up , why couldn't she come to me with her concerns/ frustrations with our M, and why can't she tear it down. I can't answer these only she can but I'm not sure she has anything left in her emotional tank to even what to try. I as others on this board need to come here to vent so I don't vent to her.
I ask the same questions 3KD? What happened to my happy little life and my future? If there was a problem why couldn't H just speak to me. In all honesty I have felt very unhappy many times during my marriage too but never acted on it. Now I realise what I have to lose and I don't like it.
Sounds like your W is just so overcome with the other problems in her life that she just hasn't got any emotional energy left to devote to you just yet. Stay lovingly in the background, be her friend, don't pressure her on the R stuff. Really i'm no expert but I read so many of other people's threads and the message is consistent throughout..yes it is so hard to implement, but it does make sense. She says she feels trapped. She is overwhelmed with grief. You say to love your W, then you must let her go and try to put yourself in her shoes.
It will take time, be her rock and her friend, but do it discreetly without any pressure.
