Zig - stunning post! I'd forgotten most of the points you raised. I have a feeling I'm going to get back into the right frame of mind very quickly if you're anything to go by
oh ces and labug - thank you for coming on this morning - it's like the 2 of you always come to me to say something right when i need it. and what you have to say always is the right thing.
i've spent the last 24 hrs in a strange slightly struggling place - i think i'm still processing everything that happened - but not freaking out and things are coming to the surface that i didn't expect.
yes, one thing i am definitely noticing is that i'm simply not on the ride anymore - he goes up and down, and i just register it and keep on.
It sounds like you are creating a situation where excitement and sexual energy are now focused on you rather than OW. What an amazing turn of events. Its very impressive that you can keep yourself upbeat and detached. Very good for you!
ces - i really really needed to hear this, this morning. as soon as i read your words it hit me - my still lingering lack of self-confidence was not letting me go there - and i realized when i read this - that oh my gosh - ces is right - that's what i have to focus on - not the things he said.
so you can be really proud that you helped me get back on track and focused here.
there's no doubt that h is struggling this last couple of days. he calls, and offers little stuff - and then a few seconds later quickly changes it - as if he realizes that what he's offering will mean increased contact and he''s fighting hard not to go there.
we've had short brief contact 3 or 4 times since sunday afternoon - and they are all laced heavily with the sexual vibes. i have to say that i've really had to work at just staying very casual and not just walking up to him and starting to kiss him again.
on the other hand, i have struggled a bit about whether i even want this - which is an incongruent place to be and which i know is a response to the underlying hurt and pain within myself after hearing his latest decision.
one of the things that i'm dealing with now, is his constant request that ow and i become friends and that is what he would like. ugh - i don't even want to go there - but then of course - good opportunity for me to find out what it is behind that. pride, shame, the ultimate letting go - all things to be challenged with
i'm trying to take a positive stand on what's going on right now, labug - hope i can maintain it. i'm pretty sure i can.
one thing that i am becoming more aware of and which si really starting to irritate me is how much of my time is taken over this - i spend so much time on these board, or writing or journaling about it, and waste so much time on him. i know i have to do it for my own growth, but now i'm beginning to realize that i need to focus more on living and getting the real stuff done. need to jolt myself to that place faster
thanks again, both of you
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
good grief labug - you didn't think i agreed did you?
he's mad to think that and he f'ing knows it.
especially when there's a child involved!! what kind of confused message would i be giving s?
i meant i'm struggling with the anger and hurt that arises within me to have him say that all the time, especially at this point. i'm not struggling with whether i should do it or not.
i started another post this morning but haven't submitted it - it has to do with my history and repeating patterns and i need to work through it a little more before i can post. suffice it to say - in my first marriage i was in present ow's position and we did stay good friends with his ex - and this is bringing up a lot of old stuff i have to work through
also i have to work through and figure out why i chose to be with 2 men in a row, who required that of me. interesting huh?
it's good - like i keep saying - another opportunity to resolve deep issues and hurts and get to a better place.
i'm beginning to see the pattern of the universe here. every last challenge i've had in this sitch, has brought up some issue from the past that i need to resolve.before each one would send me into a sort of panic as i dealt with it. now, i'm like oh yeah - bring it on, let's get this next one over with!!!!
keep me on track, girl - you're good for me
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
one of the things that i'm dealing with now, is his constant request that ow and i become friends and that is what he would like. ugh - i don't even want to go there - but then of course - good opportunity for me to find out what it is behind that. pride, shame, the ultimate letting go - all things to be challenged with
I didn't quite understand the last part.
I have a friend who is good friends with her ex, she's happily remarried. He watches their house and dog when they're away and they do the same for him. Ex and friend's soon is in the military and they traveled together to see him graduate and when he returned from AFG. They relate more like brother and sister. It works for them but they've been divorced a long time.
Him expecting that of you and someone he's had in his life for a short-time is interesting. Helps assuage his guilt.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Him expecting that of you and someone he's had in his life for a short-time is interesting. Helps assuage his guilt.
yes. that's basically it. his way of saying - well , if they can be friends then iknow what i'm doing is okay.
about a month ago - when he said that on the phone to me i just stayed very quiet. then he added - i guess that's incredibly hurtful when i say that?
he knows. the point is NOT whether it does happen or not - the present thing is that it's just one of the things i'm having a hard time with - just like a lot of other stuff that has challenged me and that i need to detach from.
about trying to figure out what's behind it - the part you didn't understand. that's only for my own growth and learning. am seeing more and more that when i get triggered, there are things underneath that actually cause the triggering and when i explore those, then there is some new awareness, some new growth. it's for myself - not to satisfy his present needs of being allowed to think that he can have that right now.
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
after responding to ces's post some thoughts came up - just going to write it here briefly so i can explore them later with you guys.
remembered suddenly that h early in the sitch acknowledged fully our sexual attractions nd insisted that was what kept us together and he was not staying just because of that. i have been slightly aware that he has not physically spent a huge amount of time with ow - and that the connection is more in their talking etc.
so the passion scares him - i've always sensed that - he's very reserved sexually - and my passion and willingness to be very open freaks him out
men - need some feedback on this any thoughts?
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
one thing that i am becoming more aware of and which si really starting to irritate me is how much of my time is taken over this - i spend so much time on these board, or writing or journaling about it, and waste so much time on him. i know i have to do it for my own growth, but now i'm beginning to realize that i need to focus more on living and getting the real stuff done. need to jolt myself to that place faster
Oh baby girl that's where I got to when I wrote that post about being TIRED! I'd had this wonderful day with my son and the man consumed my thoughts. And just taking a day or two away from constantly journalling and analysing does wonders for you! really it does. you find yourself lost in a project or book or something!
Quote:
so the passion scares him - i've always sensed that - he's very reserved sexually - and my passion and willingness to be very open freaks him out
hmmmmm this really really resonates with me. Like you are saying H has always seen me as being very sexual very exotic very vibrant blah blah blah. He loves it! He once said everything about me oozes sex. (hee hee sorry if that's too much info) Anyway he told me that GF reminds him of this girl he had a crush on before we met. She was in their circle of friends and is very UNSEXY. So he says that I'm prettier, I'm more fun, and that he could listen to GF talk for ages about her line of work (boring). In the pictures I've seen her hair/makeup/accessories are ALL wrong. She's not the prettiest girl but she's not doing herself any favors either. My point? They think they have the safer option in a way. But come on...men don't want safe...no one wants safe!!!!!
Be sexy. Be confident. Be fun.
(2lbs of almonds? Sweet lord is that for the grande cake?)
