Needing some guidance... 4

[jks]

Ok, what a crazy, crazy night. I went to our therapist appt and had no idea what to expect. H and I sat in the waiting room together alone and chatted for bit before we went in.

Wow, were we in for a rude awakening. The therapist asked us if we had anything we wanted to say before he got started and I just mentioned that the reason I wanted to do this is because neither one of us has gone through this before and we both don't want to say or do things that will negatively affect our kids. And I want us to both be able to be honest about what our concerns are and I want to hear what type of guidance he may have for us.

So he starts going over all of these awful statistics about children with D'd parents. I mean, it was A LOT of negative things. From being sexually abused to becoming a juvenile delinquent to committing suicide. It was awful to hear.

After he read off all of these statistics he said, so you want to know the best thing you can do for your kids? You can work on your M. I know the two of you loved each other at one point, enough to have children together, and from my POV the biggest reason couples fall apart like this is because of lack of communication.

My H started nodding his head in agreement. The therapist then said, so we work on the communication and we work on this M. And that's how you make things better for your children.

I was in tears. I felt like my H was just hit with several 2x4's and it was exactly what he needed to hear... I just didn't know if it was too much. He then said, so let's meet again next week... you guys think about it and then we'll decide where we're going to go from there. I started to chuckle. Like it's really going to be that easy for my H to just make up his mind in a week when its taken him 10 months to get to this point.

We then walked out together and my H said, what's on your mind? I said, a lot of things... what's on your mind? This started an hour long conversation where H basically told me that he is really trying to find the best way to end things with OW. He feels emotionally connected to her and has a hard time just cutting it off. (Nice Guy Syndrome) But he knows that he wants to move towards making our M work.

I told him that I just don't understand why if you think that you don't want to be with her and you're trying to end it, but you still continue to sleep with her? He said, it's because at times I still think that maybe it is what I want. I'm not just sleeping with her to sleep with her. I do care for her.

But hearing those things tonight, he said, he needed to hear it. He says he keeps telling himself that HIS kids will never be part of those statistics because he will always be here to protect them but, really, he's already exposing them to so many of the things the Therapist was talking about. And he realizes that now.

He said the other day, his aunt and uncle came over and OW was over at his house and he was kind of ashamed of her. He said, that is just proving to me that I'm not proud of her and what we're doing. Plus, I walk around my parent's house and see all these pictures of you and I together and it just reminds me that you are still a part of me. A huge part of me and I'm not ready to let that go.

He said, one thing I've always been concerned about, though, is that we will never work because I've messed things up between us so much and that you may never really be able to forgive me. I told him, if I didn't think that I could forgive him, I would have been gone a long time ago.

I also told him that the more he continues on with her, though, the more it pushes me towards anger and resentment and wanting to file. I told him that everyone we know is telling me to just end it. What am I doing waiting around for him? And I told him, because I think you're amazing. I stick up for you and tell people that you're a good person. You're making bad decisions right now but you are still a good person. He said, I don't feel like a good person and he started to cry.

I told him, you are. You went through so much with me and you were there for me when I was awful to you and I feel like now it's my turn. I hate that this happened but I will stand by your side because I believe in us. I always have. And our family is so much more important than all of this crap. He agreed.

He said he felt so much better about our situation just from having that talk and knowing that I could really forgive him. He has been really worried about that.

I told him that I did not like myself before, but I like myself now. He said, I can tell. You have this confidence about you. You seem so much more put together. He noticed that I look more in shape too, which he liked. I told him that it was sad that something like this had to happen in order for me to wake up and start living.

Our conversation was light for a little bit and we laughed together and just caught up on things that have been going on with each other. He said, I like this. I told him that I missed him and he said that he missed me too. He honestly could not stop hugging me tonight. It was crazy. He also seemed like he didn't really want to leave. At one point he said, I feel like things are about to get really good.

Before I left, I said, I feel like I just have more questions... he said, ok, what about? I hesitated because I didn't want to ruin the moment of us having a good conversation but my stomach was starting to feel sick again because I still got the feeling that he wasn't absolutely sure this is what he wanted. I told him I didn't want to get my hopes up because he's done this to me before.

He said, I understand. Just know that things are moving in that direction. So as I was driving home he texted me and said that he had just had quite the conversation with OW and she's pretty upset... babysteps. I asked him what he said to her... and he said, that I miss you. And I can't keep doing this to my family. That I can't keep seeing her the way that I am.

I then said, I feel like she's going to hold on for dear life... which scares me. He said, well this was a huge step for me so let's take it a little at a time.

I did not respond. Seriously, if this is going to take another month... he is asking A LOT of me... do you agree? This is absolute madness. I'm trying to understand this from his POV but, my gosh, how long can he string me along for?

Things have definitely progressed in a positive direction and it felt very different with him tonight. He seemed attracted to me. He did tell me at one point that I was very sexy. I don't know... I will continue on with no contact, once again, until he pulls his head out of his butt.

Wow... am I the best W in the world or what?? LOL! Total joke...