Grace, Love, Compassion, & Faith - Looks Like What

[Valeska19]

You make sense 25. Thanks for sacrificing some sleep to post to me. I always feel like you respond right when I need a little push.

Part of me wants to say "so what?" B/c aside from making this all about YOU and how SHE ought to be making these change to your r, or in her, FOR YOU to "benefit from that"...all of which is self centered and more of the "up to HER if I can be happy/get closure"...it also means YOU can DO nothing "Until SHE"....

does/acts/changes. If SHE never changes and is always out there and even worse, let's say SHE worsens and becomes a nasty mean spirited person.

Does that mean you won't be able to get closure until IF and WHEN SHE does something else?

I am surprised by this revelation but glad you shared it. What am I not getting?

I don't think there is nothing your NOT getting. You are just showing me that I need to keep working on myself.

When we separated, alot of things were revealed to me about my relationship.

A big part of it was how much she put me down. How.. because she was uncomfortable in her own skin.. whether being gay or heavy.. I had to be brought down with her.

And I know that I have talked and talked about this issue.. but man it still comes up. I still get side-swiped by emotions and realizations that my wife didn't necessarily treat me right.

I mean - who cries because a person (who I know loves me) says she wants me to change my music...

..... because my w would always tell me electronica was crap. She would immediately turn off the radio, or make fun of it and me.

So in my journey now - closure looks like her apologizing for all of that. For her taking her baggage out on me for all of these years.

And I get that it's silly and that it is really not needed for closure.

It's just hard that when you have wanted approval or positive reinforcement from someone so long....

.. it's a COMPLETE retraining of MY MIND. I've spent 9 yrs in this dynamic (maybe longer), breaking it isn't easy.

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On everything else - you are completely right. I am stuck because I CHOOSE to be.

I CHOOSE to wait.

I CHOOSE to not move forward.

I hold all the cards in MY life and I DO allow HER to play them.

It's silly and not something I want...

And you're right I'm NOT out of options.. I'm just not sure what to try.

I've given a night of thought to it: Here are some good moving forward steps for me... I think

1. Separate my car insurance (working on)
2. Email her all the pics/documents that are still on my computer that are hers.
3. Sign the papers.
4. Move into a different apartment (The break-up apartment sukks my energy)
5. Eventually get a new car. I was given her "hand me down" - I was always told that's what I would get.

I MAY add a 6th - getting off facebook.

As you all know - I deleted my wife months ago. Recently she started commenting alot our on mutual friends' status but only the friends that I've been hanging out with on a regular basis.

No big deal...

..until last night when she commented on my best friend's status.

My w was never really close to my best friend.. and my w knows that she is my best friend now since our S.

I don't have any control over my w.

.. and I refuse to make my friends choose between us.

So it's up to me.. and I think staying off facebook is best.

I don't know why she felt compelled to comment on the posts of my close friends right now...

... but I DO know that the only way she is seeing their posts is because she is actively looking at their feeds.

So in a way she is watching me... and so I need to stop posting...

.. because If I believe that I still do things to get her attention, then I know I will stop posting just for me and to get her to see me...

.. and that is dangerous.