Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this.

[LIO]

journal:

H and I had a great weekend again (in my opinion). but then I go and mess it up with calling/texting because the conversation turned to money and i got stressed out. I realize WHY I did what I did. Now to stop it in the future... I am working on building a financial buffer so I feel more secure

I saw his bank statement (don't snoop don't snoop!) and he had a lot of money in it. I saw my bills... unpaid and high. I stressed. I was frustrated that a lot of his charges were bar charges, and i let my mind get the better of me. On top of he is always telling me he is poor, where he has 400% x the money I Have right now (primarily because I paid everything in repairs to the home i now have up on the market).

I regressed about 2 months in progress for myself...but he is still talking. I did relatively well for 3 weeks, and I slipped. He told me that there wasn't 1 thing in particular I did 'wrong' in the marriage, but that he was unhappy for a year (he mentions his job in this sentence) and decided he didn't want to be married anymore. He also said that he felt he wasn't 'worthy of being upset over'. I said, "I think you are" and he said "I don't feel I am". He also said that at night he wasn't 'happy' with the way things are now. But it's part of the 'process'. (What I hear is 'victim of my own choice' when he says that).

Another bar visit last night... I heard it on the phone in the background. He's 'working' with a [male] business partner, and they are meeting at bars to discuss ideas. I was exhausted and crying because kiddo wasn't sleeping. I said "how come you always get to go out at night and I am the one who has to do the night time stuff?" Yikes. Resentment 101 = not enough 'fun' stuff for LIO. GAL table for 1.

I am writing this here because I don't want to talk about it anymore with him.

As i see it:
1) I took the good day and wanted 'more' - Chasing as Kat puts it.
2) Snooping is bad.
3) I don't trust him
4) My goal that took up 3 weeks is done. And I need a new one asap.


My goals are for the week:
1) When he is there, be nice, don't be available. (Going out on a girls night this friday!)
2) resume the no call/no text. One slip up. don't make a bad slip a habit.
3) "live your life like he is not coming back" ~ Truegritter
(Starting looking at places to live, regardless what happens, S and I need to be stable. I am unsure if it's out of state or not. I am a bit afraid to be honest. I need to do some serious soul searching on this)
4) ask for more hours at work to save more (done.. didn't want to really but if I want to 'feel' financially independent, it's money that will do it)
5) Looking at Taekwondo for S and I tomorrow evening.