New to separation. Am I doing the right things?

[LIO]

Accuray - so wonderful.... I needed to read this tonight.
Thank you.

[scaredsilly]

accuray, please write a book and let us know when it's published and the title. it can be about anything...i will buy it. i love reading what you write.

[roughenough]

I’ve been hitting the gym which is good. On the other hand I’ve never been an excessive drinker but I’ve been putting em down a bit too much recently. I know it’s not good for me, but it’s tough. My W went out with my mom the other day, they both really enjoyed it, no harm done. I have a lot of 180’s to do, I am currently working on two minor ones, so that’s good.

I had the kids all weekend and between my W and I it’s always been me that’s done more of the discipline when it comes to the kids. I disciplined them a fair amount over the weekend and I feel a little bad because I don’t see them as much as I used to and I want to make sure they have positive experiences when there with me. I also know my son is having a really hard time with this transition so I need to lighten up on the discipline a bit. I will be seeing my IC in about a week so that’s always good for me. I work on base income plus bonuses. If I can start getting some good bonuses within the next couple months, that will help out in so many ways.

I found myself chatting with a couple ladies on FB, I should probably avoid that. I know this sounds like common sense but I came to the conclusion that it seems so easy for me to do the wrong things and so hard to do the right things.

It’s very ironic that my W and I have the same birthday. She’s even talked about how hard that day will be. It’s coming up pretty soon. I wonder if I should just send her a simple happy birthday email, get her something small, or do nothing. I am leaning towards a brief happy birthday email. Any thoughts?

Here’s another thing I was hoping to get advise on. Our son really wants the entire family to spend the day together, unfortunately that’s just not going to happen right now. Since the separation I have done a really good job at not pursuing her. So I am trying to come up with a happy medium. I am thinking about taking the kids out to dinner sometime in the next couple days and telling my W that” I am taking the kids out to dinner and it’s no big deal if you don’t come however it would be nice to have you join us.” What do any of you think? Not a good idea or ok to mention?

Once again, I want to thank all of you for reading my thread and I really value your input. It means a lot.

Me(M):37
W:42
T: 14
M: 11
S: 8
D: 4
W wanted separation 5/5
Stopped living together 5/5
Currently in DB stage

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”.
Thomas Jefferson

[Accuray]

Kids like structure and boundaries, so although you may be disappointing them in the moment, your consistency makes them feel safe. You could talk to a family therapist about how best to handle the situation for your kids, about how you discipline them and if there are any changes you should make.

I did that -- when my son was misbehaving I would ban him from the computer. The therapist said its better to give a little computer time than none, because it will make him want more and provide positive motivation. If you ban it entirely it's just out of mind and doesn't really motivate anything.

Re the birthday and birthday dinner, that's always hard. Usually the hardest part is managing your expectations, you should just expect that W will not acknowledge your birthday in any way or want to participate in anything because then you won't be disappointed. I think a birthday e-mail is fine, but short and to the point and expect no reply. Don't ask if she got it. Don't say anything like "I wish I were there" etc.

Re: dinner, during one of your handoffs you can mention that you're going to take the kids to X restaurant on Y date to celebrate your birthday and leave it at that. Leave it for her to suggest that she join you. Stop short of an invitation -- an invitation sets the expectation of an acceptance and she will resent you from putting her in that position.

Here's the difference:

Don't do this: Would you like to go with me to get a cup of coffee?

This is ok: I'm going down to the coffee shop to get some coffee

The fact that you bring it up implies that she can ask to join you or ask you to bring her one, and it leaves it completely up to her with no implied expectations on your part.

Make sense?

Accuray

[roughenough]

So if I understand what you’re saying.

Don’t: I am going with the kids to X, if you come great, if not I understand.

Do: I am going with the kids to X (then say no more)

On track with that one?

BTW, I just had my first minor heated discussion with W. I was actually livid, I am sure she could tell in my initial tone of voice. I didn’t think I owed her any money for a while and she just told me I owed her 400.00 dollars. It was a miscommunication between us. We have are financial arrangements squared away from here on out but this one time 400.00 really stung. Especially since I was under the impression that I didn’t need to pay it. I know I am always supposed to act happy but this misunderstanding got me steaming! I didn’t yell but she could tell I was mad. I ended our short conversation by agreeing to give her the 400.00 and I
said “I understand, that’s fine” in a matter of fact tone. This was one of the only slightly heated conversations we’ve had since our short time being seperated. It was someone minor but still bugs me a lot that it happened.

[roughenough]

That discussing is done, over with. There's nothing I can do about it.

[roughenough]

Ok, I need to take a deep breath. Should I apologize to her for the misunderstanding?

[Accuray]

Do financial surprises always make you livid? If so, what can you do to 180 your reaction? Would it have helped if you told W you needed some time to process this and you'll call her back in 90 minutes? Then you can run outside and scream if you need to.

It's not reasonable to say "don't get angry" -- you will. The goal is not to act or communicate in the moment when you find yourself there. If you saw a videotape of yourself acting from a place of anger you wouldn't like it.

What can you do to train yourself to slow down before you react?

Accuray

[roughenough]

Thank you for the fast response Accuray. I feel whenever I get dinged 400.00 when I am not expecting it, it’s going to hurt. Doing a 180 on that one seems interesting because I usually just roll with the punches. From the feedback I provided you, do you think I made a bad impression on W? Do you think I just made a backslide? It was just one conversation that didn’t involve any yelling and I ended up agreeing to her request. I probably should have done that in the first place however it was a misunderstanding.

I don’t know if I am being too critical or not. Maybe so, but reconciliation just means so much to me. What’s f’ed up is we were in a very difficult marriage for years but words can’t express how much this sitch is hurting me!!!! I miss my family, I want a “GREAT” relationship with my W. I am sure most of you can understand the pain?

My W was pretty cold for years, I don’t think it was because she didn’t care, I think it had more to do with me not meeting her needs, i.e., financially stable environment , helping out around the house and just taking charge of things that needed to get done (my main 180’s). Ohhh, now that I just wrote this, I think I might have just answered my own question and Accuray’s……Maybe…..Anyway, that was a “one off” with my frustrations but I will make sure to remain cool if I find myself in that type of scenario again, which I am sure I will be.

Am I rambling or am I making sense? Or is confused maybe a better word? Depressed, angry, mad, hurt, sad, jealous. I am learning that a separation or divorce can really mess you up. I’ve never been through something like this before!

[Accuray]

Yeah don't beat yourself up, there's no use in doubting every interaction you have. I don't know if you've historically had anger issues or not. "Staying cool" usually isn't a reasonable goal because you WILL get angry, sometimes there's no preventing it. The point is to recognize it happening and figure out what you need to do to manage it without taking it out on others -- its like a self timeout.

I do this when I feel myself getting pulled into an argument with W, I can feel my pulse quicken and see it happening. When you learn to put the brakes on its very empowering.

Evolution has made men scary to women when they are angry -- you can't change that, all you can do is be aware of it. There is no requirement to respond to W in the moment, you can say you need time to think and give her a Timeline for when you'll respond, then make sure to follow up.

Don't read too much into this if you know this isn't a problem for you -- I'm just responding to your post that you were concerned about the exchange