They're Cohabitating, I'm Capitulating

[zig]

thanks KD - i don't know about other was's, but h already had this big time in his personality already while we were together. he was conflicted on everything all the time, and the only way anything got done was at the last minute when he would simply have to decide. i watched how anxious he got, keeping himself in this back and forth , sometimes for days. after the separation, what was kind of handle-able, became really really extreme.

brit - about being sick: every time h has left for a trip to see ow, he got really sick before that. each time he does something that is truly not from a place of integrity, he gets sick. mil and i have consistently noticed that.

so the emotional stress of your h moving the rest of his stuff out - getting sick, is really telling. i don't think they themselves associate it with what they are doing, but i imagine somewhere on a sub-conscious level it is being registered in some way.

all these months h has been inept at all the little things. i know db'ing said not to help them, but i did quietly just remind him - only things to do with s. to me it seemed that me pushing and commenting that he forgot this or that would be counter-productive because he would take it as criticism and constantly associate me with that anxious feeling. i know he appreciated the small reminders which i kept as low-key and casual as possible. i may sound calm writing this, but it drove me crazy and pissed me off like hell - seemed too much to carry on top of everything else. in retrospect, i'm glad i did that.

brit - if you don't mind me pointing out - your telling him not to come when he suggested it and pointing out that you made other plans - is very subtle resistance on your part. the message i think they get is - you weren't ok with what i did=you don't accept me the way i am=judgement.

i know it seems a bit doormatty - but we have been warned that we will feel like that a lot. when you get to a place like that - maybe asking yourself before you decide: will this give me an opportunity to have a positive interaction with my h which he is initiating or would i rather blow it off and go for a walk. (+ve interaction here means along the lines of happy like a kid with a new tv and giving him a casual smack on the cheek in your obvious euphoria for him making you feel so good!!!!!!!)

joann told me take every opportunity for a +ve interaction and only see it like that. if h initiates anything, no matter how small, use the chance to do that. allow them to make you feel good and let them know that they did - it warms their hearts , just like it warms ours

((( )))

zig