Hi Brit, just dropping in to say hi. I like what zig said about conflict. It is interesting...
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
thanks KD - i don't know about other was's, but h already had this big time in his personality already while we were together. he was conflicted on everything all the time, and the only way anything got done was at the last minute when he would simply have to decide. i watched how anxious he got, keeping himself in this back and forth , sometimes for days. after the separation, what was kind of handle-able, became really really extreme.
brit - about being sick: every time h has left for a trip to see ow, he got really sick before that. each time he does something that is truly not from a place of integrity, he gets sick. mil and i have consistently noticed that.
so the emotional stress of your h moving the rest of his stuff out - getting sick, is really telling. i don't think they themselves associate it with what they are doing, but i imagine somewhere on a sub-conscious level it is being registered in some way.
all these months h has been inept at all the little things. i know db'ing said not to help them, but i did quietly just remind him - only things to do with s. to me it seemed that me pushing and commenting that he forgot this or that would be counter-productive because he would take it as criticism and constantly associate me with that anxious feeling. i know he appreciated the small reminders which i kept as low-key and casual as possible. i may sound calm writing this, but it drove me crazy and pissed me off like hell - seemed too much to carry on top of everything else. in retrospect, i'm glad i did that.
brit - if you don't mind me pointing out - your telling him not to come when he suggested it and pointing out that you made other plans - is very subtle resistance on your part. the message i think they get is - you weren't ok with what i did=you don't accept me the way i am=judgement.
i know it seems a bit doormatty - but we have been warned that we will feel like that a lot. when you get to a place like that - maybe asking yourself before you decide: will this give me an opportunity to have a positive interaction with my h which he is initiating or would i rather blow it off and go for a walk. (+ve interaction here means along the lines of happy like a kid with a new tv and giving him a casual smack on the cheek in your obvious euphoria for him making you feel so good!!!!!!!)
joann told me take every opportunity for a +ve interaction and only see it like that. if h initiates anything, no matter how small, use the chance to do that. allow them to make you feel good and let them know that they did - it warms their hearts , just like it warms ours
((( )))
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Okay so maybe I screwed up. But you guys are right I will make sure I'm very very thankful for the tv and I'll also take Cheryl's advice and make an amazing dinner that happens to be coming out the oven when he stops by.
you didn't screw up - and that's perfect - the dinner.
remember warm welcoming and open. and you can still keep your heart safe - that's the detachment part.
enjoy yourself - that's the first thing, and just stop worrying about how he may or may not respond. remember that feeling you had when you made your mil laugh, and noticed how you hadn't been worrying about what to say to her. get in that mode.
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
One of the things we used to talk a lot about around here is the emotional connection the WAS still has with the LBS. Of course, it's vice versa, as well.
We don't just suddenly fall out of love or detach. It's a choice and an activity.
So while those emotions are still there, there is conflicting emotions. Roller coaster. Emotional outbursts. Often, the LBS will get the emotion in the form of anger.
When that connection is no longer there, then we are simply relating to a friend or acquaintance and that really carries very little stress. There is indifference or apathy, then the emotional connection is gone.
When that connection is no longer there, then we are simply relating to a friend or acquaintance and that really carries very little stress. There is indifference or apathy, then the emotional connection is gone.
woohoo! (seriously jumping up and down
see, I KNEW deep down that there was some bloody way to look at that roller coaster ride as a positive thing and now you pointed it out KD.
Brilliant! as long as we feel the ride - we know we're still in the running! because when it's dead then there's nothing there as you say
sort of the same as michele posted - if you're still asking yourself whether you should give up then you know it's not time yet.
thanks KD - you made my day - i was really looking for a reason to appreciate that. hope you re well? zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
joining kd to wave sheepishly for hijacking. sorry brit
Brit is doing marvelously and that's why we keep flocking here - to get some inspiration.
sorry to hijack again, but KD what ARE you doing different? we all want to know:) and off kilter is good. isn't that what doing something different is? feeling a bit uncomfortable?
just like brit is going to feel when she wants to scream in frustration because h blew her off, but she's going to be nice instead? because that's more useful.
hope u had a good night tonight brit. we're waiting to hear what happened
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
