New to separation. Am I doing the right things?

[Accuray]

Kids like structure and boundaries, so although you may be disappointing them in the moment, your consistency makes them feel safe. You could talk to a family therapist about how best to handle the situation for your kids, about how you discipline them and if there are any changes you should make.

I did that -- when my son was misbehaving I would ban him from the computer. The therapist said its better to give a little computer time than none, because it will make him want more and provide positive motivation. If you ban it entirely it's just out of mind and doesn't really motivate anything.

Re the birthday and birthday dinner, that's always hard. Usually the hardest part is managing your expectations, you should just expect that W will not acknowledge your birthday in any way or want to participate in anything because then you won't be disappointed. I think a birthday e-mail is fine, but short and to the point and expect no reply. Don't ask if she got it. Don't say anything like "I wish I were there" etc.

Re: dinner, during one of your handoffs you can mention that you're going to take the kids to X restaurant on Y date to celebrate your birthday and leave it at that. Leave it for her to suggest that she join you. Stop short of an invitation -- an invitation sets the expectation of an acceptance and she will resent you from putting her in that position.

Here's the difference:

Don't do this: Would you like to go with me to get a cup of coffee?

This is ok: I'm going down to the coffee shop to get some coffee

The fact that you bring it up implies that she can ask to join you or ask you to bring her one, and it leaves it completely up to her with no implied expectations on your part.

Make sense?

Accuray