New Day Rising

[greatwhitenorth]

An interesting thing that might not be a thing at all but my gut says something's going on, although there's no reason to think it has anything to do with me.

From time to time I check the marina website to see if the boat is still listed for sale. Today I check, and it's not listed anymore. Last time I checked was within the past two weeks, and it was listed.

I know it hasn't sold because I would have to be notified, and it would be indicated on the web site.

Perhaps H has decided to keep the boat and take on the loan himself next year, even though the sep agreement says it's to be sold. Also, he and I have not discussed this. Something's going on.

I've been thinking about our fishing *date* on Sunday. My insecurities are running rampant. Even though he is the one who brought it up several times, I worry that he's doing it out of guilt or obligation. Or that he's going to bring up divorce. Or that he's going to tell me something else horrible.

Then I think about where I would like to go fishing, and figure that he will want to stay near the marina and for only an hour or two.

Then I think about asking him if he would like me to prepare a lunch for us, and fear that he will reject the idea.

All of these self doubts are probably rooted in expectations (or they ARE expectations). I know I need to ditch anything that even remotely represents an expectation.

I know this is a big no-no, but I am wondering where his head is with regard to all this. Is he happy? Nervous? Regretful? Anxious? Excited? Flat? I can't even begin to speculate.

This will be the longest time we've spent together in ten months. We always had a great time fishing together.

Part of me fears he's going to cancel at the last minute.

The other question is, I'm visiting with his daughter today. Often she'll ask me if I've talked to her dad. Do I tell her we're going fishing next weekend? Or do I just say I haven't talked to him since he picked up the boat.