vera, labug - i don't know about the quicksand - i don't even know if i want to do it again or whether it will even come up.
it was as IC said "gathering data" - i didn't think i could be detached enough to actually do it in this way, but it seems that i amy be. only time will tell.
luckily, you guys will know right away if i'm sinking without a lifeline and let me know pronto, right?
in your minds, what would the lifeline look like or be - just so i know i'm anchored?
i hope it's clear that in spite of last night i expect him to do what he says he's going to do? i am SO glad i have you all here
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
I think the data gathering perspective is a good thread in your rope. I think you're right that time will tell how you took this experience. Take some time over the next few days to reflect on it. Was it really just data gathering for you? Do you feel like there was something else to it? I know what you said above but see if that still holds true in the next few days after (possibly) your emotions bounce around a bit. See if he continues to make mistakes, as Joann said.
zig, your H sounds like mine. if i withdraw, he withdraws. if i communicate, he communicates. he's even told me he's feeling closer to me because we have been communicating.
withdrawing and pulling away from him were his complaints about me. my 180, then, is to initiate communication, sometimes, and respond to his communications.
i think it's good DB because i'm doing what seems to be working.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
thanks ss. for all these months while withdrawing and setting boundaries and going dim, i kept wondering why h was getting further and further away. well , you're right - for lbs's like you and me who withdrew and detached and criticized, we're doing more of the same by withdrawing. i finally saw that a couple of weeks ago, and did something different. what i'm going to make sure i do is keep doing my own stuff, go on my own trips, get my business really going and live as if he's not coming back.
one thing i have noticed over the months is that when h realizes that i really really believe him (that he's not coming back) he actually freaks out a bit. sounds crazy - but i think it scares him that if i take it too seriously and move on, he may not have the option of coming back? i don't know
further developments
:went to wash my hair and then meditate. didn't look at the phones when i got up, and was talking to my brother, when h showed up at the door.
freaked out!! why aren't you answering my calls? i've been calling and calling. i was casual - oh i didn't notice (he hadn't left a message and i really hadn't noticed). he said - i came over because i have to talk to you - i'm freaking out.
i said - oh h, we were only going to do this if it was clear that we were both not going to freak out. he proceeded to explain that we absolutely couldn't do this anymore because he didn't want to screw his r with ow. i just stayed casual and kept reminding him that i had made it clear last night that this was only what it was and that neither of us could read anything more into it.
kept saying he didn't want me to be messed up about it but when i kept saying i wasn't and it made no difference to me whether we did it again or not and that it was super clear to me that whether we did or not, he was going to go ahead with his plans. i said it seemed like he was a bit messed up about it. he replied - i didn't realize that i could be disloyal - i thought i was a more loyal person. i didn't respond
WTF!!!!!!!
then he said something unexpected: "this is freaking me out because i saw that we could work it out"
i clarified that those were HIS feelings and he said yes - he couldn't help seeing that.
then he kept repeating how we just couldn't do this anymore. he keeps reciting the same exact line: "i'm in this relationship with op now, and i don't want to do anything to screw it up" - and , sorry guys for being so open, but the whole time this was going on it felt like any minute we were going to go at it again. i just stayed smiling and pleasant and trying to lighten the situation and finally flirted a bit and said - you need to get out of here, or you know what's going to happen next. he totally acknowledged it and got up to leave, sort of like oh gosh i better get out of here. but stopped to keep talking.
that's when i said - if i'm honest - i did think about it this morning and i'm not sure if i would do it again or not. through the whole convo he kept saying that last night was amazing and great and how good we are together .
i thought he'd totally withdraw for days and i wouldn't hear a word - freaking out quietly as he usually does. i said to him as he left that i hoped he wasn't going to get all cooked up about this and get all agonized around me again. he replied - look at me , am i acting like that - no, i won't do that.
anyway that's what happened - and i am totally okay. so i feel anchored and secure right now. there's no quicksand in sight that i can feel, but i know sometimes on can't see it. i'm being vigilant for myself here.
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
yesterday before all this happened i was hanging out with my sweet friend who is my staunchest db supporter of all, and i had just been telling her that i was really on the fence with this, and how i was feeling bad that i felt this way.
so i wasn't manipulating this thing last night with h - i was honest telling him that i felt like that.
and you're all right - it could be my emotions start bouncing around, but somehow i'm feeling like they are not going to.
we were talking about how some couples that you never expected to stay together did and other ones who seemed so solid, their r's fell apart. i asked her how she had viewed us (and i kind of knew this from before) and she said that everyone was genuinely shocked. our school community which is very close knit and very family oriented - we were sort of the model family that others looked to on how to do stuff - so figures, what other people see and interpret as real.
in spite of all that is/has happened - i still feel the solidness of our bond, but now finally have got to the point where i am willing to walk away from it, in a lot of ways.
i think only when the tables are turned, does something change, and i think the tables are turning here for me - i'm finding myself ready to say things to h that he's been saying to me all along. i'm not afraid of risking anything anymore. i'm more focused on how can i listen better, how can i show him that it's worth coming back through my actions, and at the same time i'm willing to lose this. i find that only when i've genuinely reached this place, can i be detached enough to actually start really doing those things.
or maybe it's the fact that talking to joann, suddenly gave me permission to be freer more relaxed and not nervous about whether what i was doing was right or not.
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
oh, zig! when i read this, my arms went up in the air as if a touchdown had been scored!
i know you have to be cautious of any expectations, though.
but, i think you're absolutely right; when we reach the place where we're looking forward to our future, with our without them, they sense it and come forward!
i got a text today from my H with my pet name he used to call me!
this just goes to show that not all DBer's should follow a set way of handling their respective sitches. when it says do a 180, you have to know what you're doing a 180 from.
you made me smile today! (that must have been SOME night...!)
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Hey Zig, You sound like you're in a really good place with this.
So much hard work has gotten you here - make sure you take time to celebrate what you've become. It's a real achievement!
But I must ask - have you been shaving your legs/buffing your skin/painting your toe nails religiously through all of this, just so you're ready should the opportunity arise? Just joking, but sometimes I imagine that H might turn up and we'll get romantic, and I'll have a week's growth on my legs and will have to refuse. Pure fantasy, of course!
But I must ask - have you been shaving your legs/buffing your skin/painting your toe nails religiously through all of this, just so you're ready should the opportunity arise?
NLW - your post made me laugh - with glee.
you know - i've always never acknowledged or accepted that i was particularly attractive. i knew i wasn't bad looking, but never thought i was bad ass.
well, now, with resolving and dealing with so much of my own inner crap, i have a new confidence that i've never had before. it's amazing - i'm wearing the same clothes, and the only difference is that i wear my hair down and let it get pretty wild. oh and it just happened (wink) that i waxed my legs last week - got lucky there!!
heck i have about 30 yrs of self-confidence to make up here (sexual abuse really puts a major damper on your self-image) - and i'm just going to enjoy this new feeling of being confident enough that i can actually enjoy the guys flirting with me. wasn't capable of that before
no but seriously - i know what h is attracted to and having a hard time with - he always wanted me to be really self-confident and it was a real turn-on for him when i was. that's how i was when we met. the accidents and their effects turned me into a seriously helpless, body scrunched up person, and now when i am back to what i used to be plus way way more it's hard for him, because he wanted that for me so much and for himself
hey don't refuse - don't let that hold you back - we chicks should be proud of our hairy legs - and if that turns them off - well, got to wonder what their real priorities are!!
am wondering what to do now - we were supposed to exchange cars today and forgot with everything else, and i'm a bit reluctant to call and ask if we can still do it - not sure how much space he needs right now - i'm sensing he needs a lot!! and i kinda do myself.
thanks for the encouragement - i don't know if cheering is in order - never occurred to me that that maybe the case. hope you are doing well and had a great weekend
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
mixed feelings today. h didn't withdraw yesterday as i expected him too. called in the evening to let me know he was going to get s's b'day gift. then texted me back about it - most unusual. he had offered to switch cars with me and first suggested that i could just drive over and leave my car there because he was taking his bike to work. but then insisted that no, he would stop by on the way to work with his truck and change cars here this morning.
so he stopped by and was quite friendly. and the vibes were sort of different than usual - he seemed to interact with us with less resistance within himself. then i asked how i'd get his truck back to him - could i just bring it to where he was right after i get back. no, he wanted me to keep it and he would stop by late in the evening after his seminar which ends after 9 , and change out then. he doesn't usually voluntarily come here at night - so odd request.
i have to get my car into the shop and mentioned that i was going to do it tomorrow and ask a friend to give me a ride back. he said no, let's talk about it later and we'll figure it out. you can use the truck all week.
so i'm laying low, and just letting him lead - see where this is going.
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Wow this is exactly what Cheryl wanted me to do...seduce H let him get confused and conflicted and just smile. I, didn't know if given the rejection when I "came back" that I could handle it if we had sex and then he continued on with her. I have to protect myself you know?
I do think that that the DB coach make you realise that we over think a lot and to just be you and be happy and be light hearted. I think Cheryl would say try not to have ANY R talks with him, stay flirty and fun and if he brings up R dismiss it with a joke and move on. But this is a crazy game to play and I didn't know if I had the balls to do it. HAHA
I do think you sound more confident so maybe you just needed to get your mojo back!
