Everwhere is walking distance if you have the time

[ClingingToHope]

Actually Barb, I think overall I was wrong about the bible camp. If I was talking to someone else about something similar I'd say, "in the grand scheme of things, is it really worth it."

I should never let her know something bothers me until I clearly have her doing something outside the agreement, not in the best interests of the kids or clearly to antogonize me. This was nothing of those.

XW sent me a somewhat nasty email saying that everything is always about me. I've gone back and forth about responding. I haven't yet.

Now, there's a lot of truth to what she wrote. And another truth is that I'm the kind of person XW is always going to hate.

I was the youngest child of a divorced couple. They were always fighting for my attention. I never lacked for anything, especially because my older sister was difficult, they showered even more affection on me. And it wasn't just them. The grandparents on both sides paid more attention to me as well.

I grew up being the center of attention. I can talk to people. I can fit in. I can find ways around things. I can usually get what I want without too much effort.

XW was the middle child of an alcoholic father and a distant, unhappy mother.The oldest sister hated everyone and had to be sent to juvy for a time. The youngest is a drama queen who expects everything to be handed to her.

XW was the middle child who got nothing. No special attention. No new clothes. She just went along quietly trying to get everyone to get along.

She isn't very smart, but she's hard working. But it gets her nowhere. No special recognition. Others who are better at the game get the favored assignments and the promotions.

She's a worker bee who is jealous. She's always been jealous of me. My flexible schedule. My number of friends. My contacts. My ability to adjust work to my needs.

I never really understood why. I mean, I thought we were a team and what was good for one was good for both.

But it was never going to be that way. I think she wants to be like me and that was perhaps why she was attracted to me in the first place. But I'm the kind of person she can't stand and is keeping her in her place in her life.

Back to last week's over reaction. Why do I over react. In general, I think I'm a very easy going person. I have a fair amount of anger and bitterness in me, but in general I don't let many things bother me.

This weekend was my 25th class reunion. It wasn't a big deal. We just put it out on Facebook and about 50 people showed up. We got 150 at 20 years when we really worked at it.

But it was a good 50. Some different ones than 5 years ago. And I had a great time going around and catching up. The anger and stress just seemed to wash away. I felt young again -- not physically but emotionally.

I so want to look forward to every day again. I so want to feel like the best days of my life are right now and ahead of me.

Some of that is impossible. But I really want to let go of the anchor on my emotinos that XW has become.

Another feeling came along this weekend. I hate XW. I really do. I hate her deep down in my soul. I really don't even want to share the girls with her. I don't like how she was raised. I don't like the role model she presents. I don't like her family and the role models they are.

I really live in fear that one or the other will end up like her. That's where the over reaction comes from. I over react on EVERYTHING she does.

That in itself is a dangerous feeling because I also don't want to be the overbearing control freak parent bent on making them just like me. At church, this one parent said his goal has become to lead them to God and let him guide their lives.