This is not looking good! (Long post...)

[zig]

brilliant accuray - i love what you wrote and you put it so clearly.

maybe using this as one of the starting points for that new "project" with vets helping newbies that sgctox started .

give something specific for us newbies to work on - find those patterns recognize them and begin our 180's there.

right in the beginning of my sitch i read a book called the "Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner that is all about these patterns and how to break them - it was definitely instrumental in how i began choosing my 180's


mab: you are not experiencing anything that the other lbs's spouses don't go through in terms of being hurt and insulted. i'm not trying to be harsh, but it is the reality of our sitches.

here's the life lesson that all that hurt and pain have taught me - you may not be ready to hear what i'm saying but i hope you are and that it can help you.

Take EVERYTHING negative that happens in your sitch and make good use of it. many of us have found that the most negative things are actually the best opportunity for us to learn something about ourselves, and through that to resolve some of our own inner stuff that we have to work on.

so if you start by literally relishing everything that causes you pain by saying to yourself oh look here's another opportunity for me to grow a little, you will do several very positive things for yourself. for starters you won't stay stuck and focused on your own anger and resentment, you will start to understand much much more what your S is trying to tell you and then see more clearly what is the best thing for you to do. but best of all, it will help you move closer to your ultimate goal which is to detach and let go.

what i describe does not imply that you don't acknowledge your own feelings of deep hurt and pain and confusion. you do, but you can vent those here - just don't keep them stuck in your mind and not allow yourself to get past them. the LBS HAS to heal before the WAS can even start to - so make that your goal - nothing can move this faster than your own decision to heal and work through your own stuff

i hope this helps you a bit

zig