Thanks, snodderly. I am much stronger. I've still had some tearful moments, but not as many anymore.
The biggest realization for me is that I'm not responsible for fixing everything and everybody. I'm not responsible for my family's happiness. My existence shouldn't feel threatened because someone is falling apart and may possibly leave to solve their own problems. Childhood issues are the foundation for this way of thinking. It wasn't my fault that my H was so unhappy that he was on the brink of suicide. How was I to know? I was going along feeling happy and content loving and caring for my family, feeling so proud of my H and our long term marriage. I had no idea what was brewing and I beat myself up over that for months. I believed everything my H told me. All of the reasons he left were my fault. That belief did such damage to my spirit and soul. I really didn't know if I could live with myself. As I started healing and coping better I started to realize that I wasn't responsible for any of this. I was a very loving and loyal wife. Sure I made mistakes, but I'm not perfect. I did the best I could. I apologized for any wrong doing and asked for forgiveness. Mostly, I had to forgive myself for not being perfect in every way. Maybe then my H wouldn't have left. Thank God I don't feel that way anymore.
I'm spending more time on my own healing and becoming the best person I can be. Praying, meditating and just being still has helped a lot. While I've done this all along I was in such a desperate state for so many months that I wasn't getting the benefit that I am now. I continue to read a lot because I have such a need to understand, not fix.
I'm sure all of you that have been here awhile can relate to my journey. It takes times to get to this point. Thank you all for the constant reminders, education and for sharing your stories. I know I will continue to seek reassurance and advice. I'm not near done with all of this, just better. I believe it will take years to fully heal.
