Echo. The thing about kids is that they don't want another father. They want their parents to be happy. They'll remember how you treat their mother, regardless of what they say. It's difficult for them. Be mindful and respectful of that and you'll be fine. Keeping away from them now is a great idea because you don't want to form a bond with them, or them with you at this point. If things don't work out, that could be devastating to them. If they do work out, then Kaffe's advice is solid.
Take the time to get to really know her and her you. No reason to do otherwise...
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Good advice. It confirmed what I was thinking but it is good to hear it from people who have kids.
Someone once told me that kids really hope to see their Mom and Dad dancing in the living room.
Given that I know I would never be their Dad and would presume to replace that role or desire it.
Can't say that I had that knowledge before being here. Seeing how people handle this tragedy with their kids is really admirable and why I came here to ask...
So thanks. As always.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
You are wise to ask questions and consider the children's feelings...
The FIRST thing New Guy's kid said to me was "You can't marry my dad!" At the time that was not on the agenda yet, but my heart went out to her. So we talked about my nephew who is her age and likes stars and bugs, and then she'd see me on occasion and we'd chat.
Now we spend more time together, and New Kid swings back and forth on wanting us to get married. (Realization: I am good but I am not going to be perfect!) Not that this is her decision, but it goes to show that kids do have a lot of concerns and feelings. My D has gone back and forth as well. There is a sense that the new interest is "replacing" the other parent. The other thing is, you are taking the parent away, in a sense, just by spending time with that person. We had to consider that the children would be stressed if we cut into their time too much. So this has meant our R developed slowly, but it has been worth it.
I am very glad that we let things alone and did not make any dramatic changes. It has been good for the children--I think especially his because they were not fully adjusted to their current lifeystyle when I showed up. They are now more settled and I am less scary. (Or maybe more! But I don't really think so.)
With small kids watching, it was out of the question to move in, and still is. Right now, we spend a good amount of time together on weekends, but we also take breaks from each other, which I think is good for all.
I think step-parenting requires incredible maturity and patience, and I am not always sure that I have it. It will be a shaping experience. I would only want to be a good step-parent who would be reliable, strong, and kind for them--a good influence and loving adult. I do see genuinely loving them, and I think that desire to be effective is important, but I have a definitive lack of experience in this area! Not only do I need to consider his kids' feelings, but my D's as well.
When I get the chance, I will tell New Guy's kids that one of the reasons I found him to be real and one of the things I love about him is that his commitment to them was obvious from the start. For my poor D, she has always had "competition" for her dad's attention. Then when OW moved away, D was deeply hurt. So the fact that your new interest is careful with exposing the kids to you too quickly speaks well of her maturity.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
It is nice to hear something nice is happening for you. I really enjoy your post/point of view.
I started dating again, and was really upset that one guy wanted me to meet his kids after we went on one date. He is 50 and his kids are 6 and 8. I don't know when is too soon and when is soon enough. But kids are pretty smart and honesty is the best policy.
In other words I think meeting you at this point would be appropriate.
Aloha and Good Luck!
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Forward Thanks for stopping by and sharing that. In every thing I do with her, when we talk about the future, it is with the boys at the top of the pyramid. I think it is important.
They come first. Our time and our wants are after that consideration. That is not a sacrifice in my mind it is just right.Period.
I have no idea if I will be any good as step parent but I feel if I am very clear that their Dad is their Dad, and I support that, then that is is good rule.
It is the same advice we give LBS parents
"Not your job to repair the relationship between them and their father (or maybe mother too) it is your job not to damage it."
The other part is that I never want to compete with them for their Mother's time. Or allow the desire for "our" time to take away from their time within reason.
She seems very balanced in that regard.
And I understand that.
Wendy thank you for the good wishes!
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Wisely, as you go slowly, leave your heart and mind open as to where you fit in that will enrich the boy's lives. Where that is will reveal itself in time...
I am so happy for you on so many levels. I read your post and the smile on my face was simply huge. And of course I had to share the post...
A few things. Boys at that age, are starting, or will be soon, puberty. Boys are worse than girls in that regard. First they smell like old shoes. No matter what they do. Three showers a day and they still stink. It is a warning sign to parents...(you may want to let your GF know LOL)
Then they become emotional and angry. Their tones of voice, scuk, and they suddenly know everything in the world about everything even though they know nothing. They have the power to crazy make. For some reason boys really seem to have a hard time with the early transition into growing up. They want to but they also want to stay little boys. It is hard.
Went through it with my own and going through it again with BF's son now. Not sure how I survived the first time never mind what is going to happen now LOL.
Anyway, honey, don't kill yourself thinking and analyzing this.
I don't believe that you would try to replace their father but if you are going to be around as a permanent person, you will have a parental type role in that you will example set, you will have thoughts and opinions about what is best for their welfare.
One of our friends here hates the word step parent (although I know you are a long way from that right now). I tend to agree with him. As a child with two step parents that have been in my life for over 25 years, I don't have two parents and two step parents, I simply have four parents. And they are all as individual as can be. And to be honest, I don't have one child and BF has two. We have three kids.
Our biggest difficulty, has been/is working through different parenting styles.
My advice at this point, to you, is to make sure that you believe that you can deal with her having children. They will take time and attention from you. They will be priorities in her life (sometimes coming before you). They will eventually interrupt activities, sex, dinners, phone calls, etc...and you are gonna have to be ok with that. They bring a ton of joy too.
Ok, gonna catch you on the flip side
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I knew you had been seeing someone, and I am excited for you...
Secondly...
The boys....
If this is real, in time, you will become a fixture in their lives, regardless of how deeply you want that.
Children, while they can be difficult at best during various times in their life, will gravitate toward the strength that an adult has inside of them. What that means for you is, whether or not you are ready, or even want that, YOU will become that to them, and for them.
You, by being the choice for their Mother, will become the male role model for these young men, when they spend time with their Mother. Your actions, the way you treat their Mother, the way you love her, the way you respect her, will be things that they will see, and carry into their own relationships.
Like it or not, when you say "I do" to this woman, you are saying "I do" to her entire life, not just her. In a way, it becomes the classic "It takes a village to raise a child.." scenario. ( Even the village Idiot) : )
Essentially, you will become a co-parent with her ex, in the ways of what it takes to be a man in this world. No offense to her, but she has zero clue as to what that means. So that responsibility will fall to you ( if you choose that ). Is that a bad thing ? In no way is it bad. I know that you have that inside of you. And I know that you want children in your life.
And although you wont start out that way, the relationship will develop into that, over time. You will look back in a couple years and see the positive influence that you have become to them. It will take on it's own form, and it will find you when it needs to, and back away when it needs to.
Grit, I have ZERO DOUBT that you are up for that challenge. I know what kind of man that you are, and I know the quality of being a man that you have to offer to these young men.
You may think that it is too hard to accept that role, and when you do......
Remember that Eric can do it... : )
That should boost confidence !!!!
As for the timing ?
These things rarely go "as planned". And the timing will more than likely come to you, when the time is right. You will be placed in situations where contact will not be avoidable, and the situation calls for interaction.
These boys aren't dumb, and they will 'know' about you before you think that they do. They may not know your name, or that you are old enough to be their great-grandfather : ) , but they will know that there is one hell of a special guy treating their Mother right....
You will both know when that time is. And much like detaching, it will be more of a state of mind than it is a decision.
And then, maybe you can take them for a ride on your Unicorn ???
On another note....
You know my son...
His quote from yesterday...
"Money can't buy happiness...but it can buy Bacon, and that is pretty much the same thing"
It has been a while. I have been busy with life. I am still seeing the woman from the last few posts.
It is has been amazing. Not without its challenges but even that has been ways for us to grow together.
I have met the boys and am now to the point where we spend a good deal of time togther.
I am going hunting with them tomorrow with their grandfather whom I have known for over 20 years. We have gone a couple of times already together but this is the first without mom.
Very cool.
I have some things to share about setting all this up with her ex and his reaction which I think was important.
I recognized a while ago when talking to a divorced friend of mine who was b!tching about his exW's choice in boyfriends that ended up around his kids and I saw the pain in his eyes.
I realized at that moment that I not only had a responsibility to the boys and their mom, but also to their father.
I also recognize that although he is not an ideal father (if one exists) and does not make choices that I would make, he is their father and their only father and that is important.
As S (my girfriend) and I moved down the road and I was spending time around the boys, I told her I wanted to talk to her ex. Because of the length of my friendship with S (over 17 years) I know her ex. Not very well and I can't say we would ever be friends, but I know him.
She and I met him for a drink and told him this:
S and I have been seeing eachother long enough that we have decided that we want a committed relationship. In committing to her I realize I am also committing to the boys.
I want you to know I take that responsibility very seriously. You are their father and their only father. I will never subordinate your role as their father and I will honor it.
I will be mindful to never be an obstacle to you and S being mom and dad to the boys. They are the top of the pyramind in my mind.
I will do my best to be a positive role in the lives of the boys
He thanked me and said that he really respected me for having the guts to have that conversation. He said he wished other parents of divorce could have this discussion.
Those were words and the actions mean more.
S and I invited him to spend Holloween since she had the boys and he came. This would never have happened before for a number of reasons. But it did. And it was really cool.
The boys were excited their Dad was there and the younger one walked around with the 3 of us and he would bring me Butterfingers when he got them as he knew I liked them.
The man I was when I first came here would never have had the tools or the courage to be the man I am today.
My life has been enriched by my ability to live like the man I aspire to be.
Making those choices, sometimes very difficult ones, have made the difference for me...
Living through the particular part of my journey as you all were witness to here was a catalyst in my life.
So I am here reporting so you may share this with me, as you have shared of yourselves along the way.
I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
True, you are such a special man. As someone who has had the opportunity to watch you walk this journey, I am not at all surprised you reached out to him as you did.
Your lovely lady and her children's lives are richer for having you in them.
