Dear Snodderly and 25 Thanks for your comments and encouragement. 25 mentioned that I spent too much time thinkin bout the OW. It's probably bc a woman showed up at my gym who looks like her and is taking classes that I am in. 25 said I need to focus on me, she is right. she said I need to focus on my kids. I have adult children. Youngest is 18. I just took him several times to practice driving because he failed his road test. H yelled at him about that and I told him I felt bad because road tester was kinda tough. I talk to my kids I am the go between for them and their dad. I am there for them and they know it.
Last night after my husband and I had the talk, we went outside and had a glass of wine and talked a bit more. He says he is glad my son has a girlfriend cuz it might straighten him out bout school like wanting to graduate. He is behind bc he hates school and doesn't put forth the effort and has ADD. Asked my H bout if his parents were affectionate in front of him, said no. I told him my dad would come in and give my mom a hug and a kiss. He said he didn't believe it cuz he never saw it and they fought alot. I told him I saw it. H was not close to his dad and didn't feel it was a big deal. Said he didn't want to hang with his dad cuz he had friends. But I told him he did sort of adopt his dads brother's family and was close to that uncle who was very gregarious and different from his dad. His dad was friendly though. And a real trouper when he had parkinsons.
I was okay til we got in house and h was watchin a tv show where a married couple was talkin about sex. TRIGGER. I said I was goin to bed and slammed the doors to our room. Laid down a started to blubber. H couldn't hear because our attic fan was on. Then went outside to finish cryin. Went back in and laid down again and when he came in I had to leave the room. I was pacing and trying to calm down. I couldn't. Went back in a started to get dressed cuz i was goin to walk to the church to talk to God. My husband told me he thought I was ok because I was when we talked outstide but I told him that tv show got to me. It was bugging me to be in the same room right then. I said I don't know what you want from me, I have tryed to be patient. I feel used while you are on the fence. I put my pjs back on and took a xanax. H told me to be patient. Then he said he was sorry he hurt me.
I backslid tonight I wasn't nice. I didn't yell or cry in front of him. But I am frustrated.
I told him no he wasn't sorry and he could leave anytime he wanted. It's just that these rude behaviors crop up still. I feel disrespected. My feelings are not considered. I feel as though I am an afterthought and sometimes that I am distained. Told him I took my pill and was going to sleep.
The next day I apologized for saying that he was not sorry. Later at breakfast I asked him to do me a favor and be patient with me. He said he has been. So I will put yesterday behind me and try again to pick myself up and start over to keep praying and be patient. NOT a strong suit of mine.
The last time I really went off on him which was a while ago, it was a similar thing where I hav asked him many times when he comes in to say he is home, seek me out and say hello and if he is going somewhere to tell me. We were supposed to go out to dinner before going to Retrouville post session. He came in, said nothing (I was downstairs) did not call out, did not phone and left the house to excercise (he had dropped my son off after being at the boat to work on it). He came back way too late to eat and simply said he thought I was out walking, but no call, no communication. This is an ongoing problem.
