yesterday before all this happened i was hanging out with my sweet friend who is my staunchest db supporter of all, and i had just been telling her that i was really on the fence with this, and how i was feeling bad that i felt this way.
so i wasn't manipulating this thing last night with h - i was honest telling him that i felt like that.
and you're all right - it could be my emotions start bouncing around, but somehow i'm feeling like they are not going to.
we were talking about how some couples that you never expected to stay together did and other ones who seemed so solid, their r's fell apart. i asked her how she had viewed us (and i kind of knew this from before) and she said that everyone was genuinely shocked. our school community which is very close knit and very family oriented - we were sort of the model family that others looked to on how to do stuff - so figures, what other people see and interpret as real.
in spite of all that is/has happened - i still feel the solidness of our bond, but now finally have got to the point where i am willing to walk away from it, in a lot of ways.
i think only when the tables are turned, does something change, and i think the tables are turning here for me - i'm finding myself ready to say things to h that he's been saying to me all along. i'm not afraid of risking anything anymore. i'm more focused on how can i listen better, how can i show him that it's worth coming back through my actions, and at the same time i'm willing to lose this. i find that only when i've genuinely reached this place, can i be detached enough to actually start really doing those things.
or maybe it's the fact that talking to joann, suddenly gave me permission to be freer more relaxed and not nervous about whether what i was doing was right or not.
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
