swimming with turtles and some guidance

[zig]

thanks ss. for all these months while withdrawing and setting boundaries and going dim, i kept wondering why h was getting further and further away. well , you're right - for lbs's like you and me who withdrew and detached and criticized, we're doing more of the same by withdrawing. i finally saw that a couple of weeks ago, and did something different. what i'm going to make sure i do is keep doing my own stuff, go on my own trips, get my business really going and live as if he's not coming back.

one thing i have noticed over the months is that when h realizes that i really really believe him (that he's not coming back) he actually freaks out a bit. sounds crazy - but i think it scares him that if i take it too seriously and move on, he may not have the option of coming back? i don't know

further developments

:went to wash my hair and then meditate. didn't look at the phones when i got up, and was talking to my brother, when h showed up at the door.

freaked out!! why aren't you answering my calls? i've been calling and calling. i was casual - oh i didn't notice (he hadn't left a message and i really hadn't noticed). he said - i came over because i have to talk to you - i'm freaking out.

i said - oh h, we were only going to do this if it was clear that we were both not going to freak out. he proceeded to explain that we absolutely couldn't do this anymore because he didn't want to screw his r with ow. i just stayed casual and kept reminding him that i had made it clear last night that this was only what it was and that neither of us could read anything more into it.

kept saying he didn't want me to be messed up about it but when i kept saying i wasn't and it made no difference to me whether we did it again or not and that it was super clear to me that whether we did or not, he was going to go ahead with his plans. i said it seemed like he was a bit messed up about it. he replied - i didn't realize that i could be disloyal - i thought i was a more loyal person. i didn't respond

WTF!!!!!!!

then he said something unexpected: "this is freaking me out because i saw that we could work it out"

i clarified that those were HIS feelings and he said yes - he couldn't help seeing that.

then he kept repeating how we just couldn't do this anymore. he keeps reciting the same exact line: "i'm in this relationship with op now, and i don't want to do anything to screw it up" - and , sorry guys for being so open, but the whole time this was going on it felt like any minute we were going to go at it again. i just stayed smiling and pleasant and trying to lighten the situation and finally flirted a bit and said - you need to get out of here, or you know what's going to happen next. he totally acknowledged it and got up to leave, sort of like oh gosh i better get out of here. but stopped to keep talking.

that's when i said - if i'm honest - i did think about it this morning and i'm not sure if i would do it again or not. through the whole convo he kept saying that last night was amazing and great and how good we are together .

i thought he'd totally withdraw for days and i wouldn't hear a word - freaking out quietly as he usually does. i said to him as he left that i hoped he wasn't going to get all cooked up about this and get all agonized around me again. he replied - look at me , am i acting like that - no, i won't do that.

anyway that's what happened - and i am totally okay. so i feel anchored and secure right now. there's no quicksand in sight that i can feel, but i know sometimes on can't see it. i'm being vigilant for myself here.

zig