swimming with turtles and some guidance

[zig]

well, KD there you go again making me dig deep. i'll try to answer this morning and then the same ones again in a few days, just to see how consistent i am

The real test could be not whether you have expectations as might as whether you took any meeting out of what happened between your H and yourself.

the meaning i took: was that we were just acknowledging the very present and real attraction between us. the sexual energy between us has been HIGH for all these months - every time we interact. what i felt and saw last night - h is emotionally still very connected - but fighting it really hard (he has said in the past - "i'm in love with you but i want those feelings to go away and i'm going to fight them as hard as i can"). i was surprised at how i was during the whole thing - quite detached but totally acknowledging the deep connection - and we both were - verbally. we talked a lot - extremely intimately, each telling the other things we were never able to say before. i saw him feeling extremely vulnerable - many times during the night. what i came away with? i'm not totally sure - that he confirmed verbally and physically many times the deep connection, and i find myself thinking yes ok we have it, but that doesn't mean things will work out, and i was sort of okay with that.

What was the purpose of your choices and the subsequent "events" that followed?

frankly KD - when i said on the phone why don't you stop by (he had just found out from me that s was away) the way he replied yes, i already knew that he was thinking about that. and it was really obvious when he walked in.

my choice to do it: the DB coach joann and i discussed what i should do if this came up. she advised me to hint at it and throw it out there and wait to see how he would react. she said take every opportunity to allow him to make mistakes - as many mistakes as he can - and she said him sleeping with you is a big mistake for him in his r w/ ow. so that was one purpose, and the other was - heck , i've written here how i feel and it just felt good to enjoy that. the odd thing was that it wasn't just spontaneous and over with - we biked over to his place, and there were plenty of opportunities for him to withdraw and change his mind. and it continued this morning when we woke up.

i felt in charge of myself and what i was doing - which may sound a bit strange, but i think it's an indication of where i am in the detachment and letting go

Has the events changed the meaning you initially thought your choices and actions would validate?

actually yes - i was surprised at how i found myself thinking - this is fun, but i want better things for myself - the attraction is deep and powerful but without the complete emotional connection and commitment, it wasn't quite what i need. on the other hand, i could see that it deeply affected h. much much more than i expected to see. what he was affected by, i don't know - can't read his mind, maybe he'll tell me sometime.

That's deep perhaps, but dig... and see what you might find there...

Are there any meanings which may be false or may have changed?

not sure what you mean by this question, but if i understood it right - i had convinced myself that for him the connection was gone - and found out last night, in spite of what he was saying, it was very much there - more so than i thought. so having it validated for me was good. just recently i had said to a friend that i always remembered that our sex life was amazing but after h trashed our whole marriage, i'm wasn't sure if i was right - maybe it was only for me and not for him at all. now i really know it was good for him and that makes me feel better, not because it may lead to anything but at least i had seen it correctly for what it was.

on an additional note, h said while we were talking - he spent a lot of time trying to talk about how we could be from now on as friends and when i asked him to be specific of what he thought us being friends meant his answer was - i want the whole connection that we've always had, the only difference would be that we weren't living together. i added - well actually it would mean not living together AND not having sex, and besides if you are turned away towards someone else, you won't be able to truly have that whole connection even if you want it. he said pretty painfully that he realized that. at some point he added that he thought us separating completely could lead to other stuff... i didn't know what he meant by that, really so i just kept quiet and didn't respond

thanks for your questions kd - this was a completely unexpected thing that happened - but i can't help thinking that events were leading up to this in some way, these last weeks. also i came away with the feeling that h was testing the waters - to see how available i really was, as he senses my detachment and letting go, especially after the trip i took last weekend. i did make it clear to him that if for any reason he changed his mind and wanted to try to work it out that i would probably agree to give it a shot, but honestly couldn't say right now that it was a guarantee, or that him wanting it would guarantee that it would definitely work out.

so lets see how i'm doing in a few days here

thanks
zig