We have been seeing each other only a month but it really goes back a ways.
We have known each other for 17 years. We worked together back then at one of the large international accounting firms and we became friends.
Good friends. We were both married then and so were conscious of placing the boundaries on our friendship.
Fast forward. I had not really seen her in some years. She divorced 3 years ago. She has two boys 10 and 11.
When I moved back to town she was dating someone and of course I was here trying to save my M.
She contacted me to catch up and asked how I was doing. She knew about my sitch from friends. That was a month ago.
We have seen each other at every opportunity since then.
It has been strange because this connection we always had, and maybe both recognized under our friendship, now is allowed to flourish without compromising ourselves or our commitments.
I am here to say that we both see our future right now with each other.
That feels good. And the person who is showing up right now is a resonance of what I deserve and want in someone I will share my life.
I wrote once I will never again accept anything less in a relationship than what I am willing to give myself.
That is what I see in this woman.
It is new ground for me. I have accepted less in the past because I didn't feel worthy or thought if I gave it would eventually work out. I taught my partners how to treat me.
This is different.
Now for some of your thoughts my friends. We want to be very purposeful and considerate of her children. I have never met them.
Our thinking is to let some time pass for our relationship to take hold before venturing any contact.
We also don't want any accidental meetings so we don't see eachother unless there is no chance of the children meeting me by accident.
That usually means she gets a sitter and we go out.
This is new for me. As you all know I don't have kids and I have never dated anyone who had them until recently.
She is certainly the only person I have considered a committed relationship.
I AM in a committed relationship with her as we stand here today.
So any advice or perspectives on this?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Never again will I make excuses for someone who is not commiting to a relationship. Never again will accept someone investing less than I am investing myself. Never again will I accept someone in my life who is not evenly yoked to me.
If I do I will create something less than I value in myself.
And as I stand here today that ground has has been hard faught, and the price too dear, to place it in the hands of someone who does not value it as I do.
Need to remember this advice I gave myself six months ago...
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I agree with Cadet, keep it slow. Let it develop organically, as it will.
Give what you want to give and receive what she is willing to offer. Nothing more, nothing less, with no expectations.
Regarding the children, you would never and should never aspire to replace their father. If / when you do meet them, you are their mother's boyfriend. At best for them, you are their friend and "an adult" in their life. Be that, responsibly. All parental decisions should be appropriately relegated to their mom (or dad; if relevant).
Do what you can that will create awesome memories which will neither define whom you are and which will stand on their own, regardless of what ever may happen in the future between the two of you.
You know how to deal with the new R as you've been giving great advice for a long time and I have absolute confidence that you can listen to your own advice.
I have no worries about YOU in this situation. None.
Your question involves her children. I will speak on that.
Please consider this-
As their mother, her decision regarding when to introduce you is her call.
However, also remember that these kids have their own lives and must learn to deal with their realities. Their reality entails their parents divorcing; two homes (presuming they go back and forth); all the personal issues that come with parental divorce (abandonment issues; new men/women coming into their lives; possible self blame for the D; etc)
THIS is their reality. So why would you two strive to shelter them from it? Pretending she is single is silly. Kids aren't dumb. Even if they know mom is on a date, do you think they would ask "Why is mom hiding this guy? Is he weird? Is she embarassed by us so keeps him away? Does she wish we weren't here so she could have him here instead"
My opinion (and MY intention, as I have children) is that I will involve my kids in my full life. If things don't work out w date, then it gives me an opportunity to talk to my kids about R's and REALITY!!
The best advice I ever heard (nickel to where it came from; can't recall) is this-
Accept that you have absolutely ZERO hope of not screwing up your kids in some way. NADA. ZIP! All you CAN do is give them the personal skills and knowledge as to how to DEAL with whatever screw up you give them. (You know, the dysfunction skills we didn't understand and brought us to where WE found ourselves) Why deny these kids that exposure?
Live in reality. It's a relationship and it may or may not last. No Expectations, right? By not involving the kids once you two have decided to "commit/be exclusive", you are shielding EVERYONE from the full dynamics of what this relationship should be/will be!
How to treat the kids? Answer is "small adults". You should aspire to be their friend. An opportunity to impart what you know to others. And you know a lot, Gritter.
Let them know you. You have a lot to give, my friend
Control is impossible Detach from the emotion of this Be your natural self Earn back your self-respect Assign responsibility equally Realize this process will improve you
You know how to deal with the new R as you've been giving great advice for a long time and I have absolute confidence that you can listen to your own advice.
I have no worries about YOU in this situation. None.
Your question involves her children. I will speak on that.
Please consider this-
As their mother, her decision regarding when to introduce you is her call.
However, also remember that these kids have their own lives and must learn to deal with their realities. Their reality entails their parents divorcing; two homes (presuming they go back and forth); all the personal issues that come with parental divorce (abandonment issues; new men/women coming into their lives; possible self blame for the D; etc)
THIS is their reality. So why would you two strive to shelter them from it? Pretending she is single is silly. Kids aren't dumb. Even if they know mom is on a date, do you think they would ask "Why is mom hiding this guy? Is he weird? Is she embarassed by us so keeps him away? Does she wish we weren't here so she could have him here instead"
My opinion (and MY intention, as I have children) is that I will involve my kids in my full life. If things don't work out w date, then it gives me an opportunity to talk to my kids about R's and REALITY!!
The best advice I ever heard (nickel to where it came from; can't recall) is this-
Accept that you have absolutely ZERO hope of not screwing up your kids in some way. NADA. ZIP! All you CAN do is give them the personal skills and knowledge as to how to DEAL with whatever screw up you give them. (You know, the dysfunction skills we didn't understand and brought us to where WE found ourselves) Why deny these kids that exposure?
Live in reality. It's a relationship and it may or may not last. No Expectations, right? By not involving the kids once you two have decided to "commit/be exclusive", you are shielding EVERYONE from the full dynamics of what this relationship should be/will be!
How to treat the kids? Answer is "small adults". You should aspire to be their friend. An opportunity to impart what you know to others. And you know a lot, Gritter.
Let them know you. You have a lot to give, my friend
Control is impossible Detach from the emotion of this Be your natural self Earn back your self-respect Assign responsibility equally Realize this process will improve you
