well - a bit of a complicated development. you guys are either going to 2x4 me over the top, or be like wtf!!
s wanted a sleepover at his friends last night and after i dropped him off - i called h to talk about b'day present, turned out he was trying to talk to me on a bike ride, and i just casually said well since you're just a few blocks away why don't you drop in. it was about 9.30.
i was really surprised when he said yes.(i've never said that to him in this s)
he had brought up and wanted to know what i thought of what s had done the other night - he definitely saw it as s showing in front of him for the first time that he was unhappy about the separation.
we made small talk for a while, and then h initiated r talk, so i let it go on. the gist of it - he owned a couple of pretty big things - one of them was so heavy for me that i got emotional and cried a bit. then what he's been cooking himself up to tell me - the same thing he told mil before ow came to town - that he was in another r and it was too difficult to have a r with ow and still be married and that he didn't want to keep it secret anymore and thought it was best that we file for divorce. he felt ready to have ow in s's life. that he had only come to realize now, recently that this is really what he wanted.
it was very calm - i did get a bit emotional and he did too. i absolutely did not ask anything about what he was planning to do with ow he kept taking the conversation back to old stuff and talked a lot about wanting to really be friends. and how he didn't want to lose the connection we had and was really afraid that i wouldn't allow it.
it went on for a long time, i consistently brought the conversation back to the present and just focused on how we could be better co-parents - i didn't ask too much, validated everything he was saying,. the conversation even got to where he admitted that he was really messed up and kind of knew that he wasn't doing the work and taking the easy road. he said that all his anger towards me was gone, and that now we were not angry with each other anymore
at some point i did casually throw out there the being frustrated because of too much you know what on the brain. he asked why i didn't do anything about it and i said i wasn't going to make that mistake again and would wait until i was fully out of this before i even thought about it. he took it to mean that i was pointing out what he was doing - and i was really like oh my god no way i was completely talking about myself.. the convo went on for a while - i was emotional, especially when we talked about s.
then i decided that it was time for him to leave. he got his boots on and tried to say he was sorry - i had asked him before that if he would let me know when he filed so that it wasn't a surprise in the mail - that led to talk about what and how a divorce is.
oh and at some point he kept saying - this is the way i see it - you really want this to work out and.. and i interrupted him and said uh uh, he couldn't assume that anymore. that i was very much on the fence, and that there were certain things i wanted in a r and there wasn't enough to convince me that they were possible with us.
so at the door he starts to apologize about coming over and making me feel terrible - and i just said - why do you thing i feel all that terrible - you're projecting on me. he kind of wouldn't stop and i just threw out - just come over here give us a kiss and off you go. and he did (oh did i forget to mention that throughout this whole thing the sexual vibes were so damn strong, it was ridiculous). i didn't let the kiss go on for more than a few secs, patted him on the butt and said off you go and took off to the kitchen to get some water. he called me back and the next thing - he's wanting to know if we could continue.
he said - i don't want you to get the wrong impression - and i just said actually the reason i stopped the kiss was that i didn't want you to get the wrong impression. he looked really taken aback. i said look the vibes are really strong you have to admit, but lets be really clear - this is just for fun - absolutely nothing else, and if you can't handle it, then lets call it a day.
well- it was clear for him that he absolutely did not want to stop - i didn't have any c's so we actually went on his bike to his house (he seemed to prefer to go there, insisted on it). and it was a lot of fun. this morning he sort of groaned when we woke up and looked at each other but we still continued
he brought me back to my place , i didn't ask him in - but as i kissed him i asked if he was okay - and he said no, you know me i'm going to be really f'ed up about this. i said - that wasn't the plan - if we do something like this we have to be on the same page about not getting messed up about it.
there were many times he got pretty vulnerable last night - said somethings i didn't expect him to say.
well - how am i? i'm actually pretty okay right now. the only thoughts in my head are no expectations, have fun, and joann's words from a couple of days ago - allow him to make mistakes.
about him filing now and saying it calmly - yes he could do it, and yes i'll probably come here and weep and wail - but i can't say that it wasn't a possibility that i wasn't sort of preparing for. what i made sure i did last night was absolutely no resistance except at the end when i had said to him that he should look into the divorce thing - when he asked, i said not the way and details about how a divorce is done, but what a divorce means and the effects of it for all involved. he seemed a bit surprised and asked why i just couldn't tell him - and i said go find out for your self (nicely)
i also let him know that there was mandatory children's counseling during and after divorce (that shocked him - he hates counseling ) and when he said that he was afraid that s would hate ow and blame her for our split , i said well - that can be handled during s's counseling and it was his thing to deal with.
i also requested right out (adding that it was not in my control what he did) that ow is not in s's life until well after the d, when he seems okay and there is a strong commitment between them. he insisted that he wouldn't ever do anything without talking to me first about it. i let him know how much i respected how he had gone about things during this s, and not involved s in anyway.
interestingly he told me slightly bitterly that his parents wanted nothing to do with ow and had made it really clear to him (i don't think they said anything literally - mil would have told me)
maybe we shouldn't have slept together, but we both admitted this morning that it really broke the ice- he called me babe non-stop, which i was surprised about -
oh well - i think i've just sort of given up hope and don't really know where this is going to go. my IC was right about "gathering data" - it was fun, but i did find myself wondering if there was something better for me out there. heck, if you think about it - ml'ing with your husband after he's told you he's filing for divorce. there's got to be something better than that!!
well, right now i'm calm - i don't even know where i'm going next with this - i am just going to trust that i am going to stay in the same state. i really don't have any expectations!!
gosh sorry this was so long
thanks for any input zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
