We dialogued on three questions last night and it went really well. We were both smiling and laughing at the end. We felt so in sync. Unfortunately, our discussion on separation didn't go so well. In hindsight, we should have moved it to today. What I thought she was after was not exactly right. I think she's really more of a "I won't be mean to you" type talk instead of "you get this, I get that."
For example, she works on commission, so you has a huge fear that she won't be able to make it, or there will be times she struggles. I think she was wanting me to say "don't worry, I'll help you." Instead, I say, "if you choose not to be with me, you choose to be without the security I provide as well. I've tried to get you to do a different job, but you are adamant this is what you want to do. In the short term, yes, I'll help you, but long term, you're going to have to learn to budget your money." She makes about 50% what I do, but it's still pretty good money, so I don't feel like I need to be supplementing her. She ignores budgets and bill paying and expects me to figure it out reguarly, so I know this is going to be a challenge for her, but if we're not going to be together, I think she has to start thinking about it. But as you'd expect, she was seriously upset. She's already consulted an attorney, and the difference in incomes would basically be negated by the fact that I have all the insurance, so legally, our discussion was pretty much in sync.
As part of this discussion, I was saying how I would try to help her as I could, but I really couldn't make promises and it wouldn't be forever. I said "if 3 years from now, I remarry, and you need help making your bills, I'm not sure I'll be in a position to do it." Well, she immediately keyed in on "3 years" and got pretty upset again. I said "make it 10 years, whatever, the timeframe isn't the point" but it was too late. She couldn't get off it. I think she was really upset about the idea that I would eventually move on. I tried to reiterate that our marriage is the most important thing to me, but again, I don't think she even heard it.
Another thing she complained about was that all she wanted was a written document saying what we'll do and I wouldn't give it to her. She said in case I try to screw her over later, she could open that and hopefully I'd remember what I had said. I'm not sure how that really makes a difference, but I didn't say I wouldn't do it, I just thought we were verbalizing what we were thinking to see if we were in sync. Honestly, I thought it would be a 15 min discussion....in hindsight, that was just plain dumb.
I guess we'll start up again after church and try to address her specific concerns instead of laying out a plan.
