This is not looking good! (Long post...)

[Accuray]

Mab1,

Who is advising you that tough love is the way to go? She resents you already, why would resenting you more help? She views you with a black storm cloud over your head, you certainly don't want to make that worse by punishing her. The goal is to change that impression, pave the way home for her. You do that by being happy, confident, and addressing the issues that bothered her.

LRT is short for "The Last Resort Technique" -- it's what you do when nothing else has worked. I don't know that you've tried giving space and time yet, so the LRT may be premature. Why don't you wait a few weeks before trying LRT? Give her space and apply a friendly co-worker standard.

You should definitely e-mail her about logistics, but keep it pleasant and to the point. No talk of your changes, no talk of the relationship, no talk about how either of you are feeling, but be pleasant!

In terms of how often do WAW's actually come back, the answer of course, is "it depends". It depends on how bad things got before they walked, or how deep the scars are from the marriage. It depends on how well the LBS is able to stick to DB, make changes, and not backslide. It depends on how patient the LBS can be, it may take a LONG time, up to 2 years! Finally it just depends on the personalities involved, sometimes there really is nothing you can do -- there are no guarantees.

DB is really the "least worst" option in an incredibly difficult situation. It's great virtue is that it works sometimes -- the other approaches never work, and that's what makes this one the best. In my opinion, the BEST element of DB is that it focuses on YOU. If you can get educated about how to realistically make a relationship successful and can improve on your own shortcomings, you're going to have happier relationships going forward whether WAW comes back or not. For me, that's what makes it worth it.

FWIW, my WAW did come back, although it wasn't a tearful reunion where everything is suddenly better. It continues to be a challenge and continues to require work, but IMO it's worth it.

Accuray