Unbidden-now I'm hijacking lol! GO ALONE AND HAVE A FABULOUS TIME!! Think of all of us who are stuck at home and enjoy every single minute!! Drink, eat and dance! Definitely dance! Heck! Do all 3 at the same time!! LOL! YOU ARE SOOOO WORTH IT!!
Enjoy traveling with your best friend, YOU!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
YC- What is ur H thinking? After that email, he still wants to go with you on vacation? Esta loco! he's crazy! Seriously confused. Take care of yourself. I've been thinking of you!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
My vote is to go, enjoy yourself as much as you can! Get some great food, take lots of walks, hit the museums, sit at a cafe by yourself and people watch. Maybe someone will come by and sit with you
Haven't checked in with you for ages, just been catching up on your thread, BTW that post from Breakdown is not me - almost the same DB name as me except minus the Bill LOL
It's so easy to get frustrated with our spouses, because we can't get closure on any of this. We want things to be good again in the M and to move on from all the DB dancing, because life is too short, but DB makes us analyse things about ourselves and our R's to try & solve our issues long term whether we work it out or not with our spouses.
We all need to blow some steam from time to time, it's not the end of the world. Don't feel bad about telling your H to F*%* himself, everyone needs to be told that once in a while - he'll get over it!!
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
Sorry to check in so late and I don't know if you have made your choice. I like your question, as it gives me a chance to evaluate what I've learned in this process in order to give you some advice...
ME thinking out load....
You know what I'm finding? I'm finding that they respond to the real you - without any yelling or shouting or taking any digs whatsoever. I mean, you got to get all that nastiness out of the way, and simply expose your vulnerability.
That is what I'm seeing more and more.
DB does help in the beginning - definitely! It is so helpful in explaining the importance of NOT chasing, pleading, begging - holding onto your dignity. That is just invaluable.
However, as time goes on unhidden, I'm finding that those tactics don't work quite as well. A sort of pattern sets in in the separation itself. It could be just me. Maybe others have experienced something different. But I have noticed that in this period of estrangement, a pattern has emerged.
The pattern I've noticed is that when I leave out all the garbage, the blaming, etc., and just say what I want - ie just be ME - he usually accepts and communicates more. My challenge is, I'm realising now as I write this, MY OWN resentment and anger!
I have had a challenge with exposing myself generally, though I did it naturally with my H when we were together - but in the last few years, the anger and resentment IN ME built up. He's now reflecting that back to me. Today, as I'm learning to communicate without expectation and simply state how I feel, such as "I feel lonely" or "I feel at a loss when blah, blah, blah". "This is tough", he seems to respond. It's not just in my words though, it's in my tone of voice, my way of being. I'm not laying it on him, I'm exposing my vulnerability and insecurity. There is a difference.
He doesn't respond right away (it seems to take them time to register it), but what I notice is that over the course of a week, he will gradually communicate a bit more than he did before.
It takes guts though because you are putting yourself out there. And, don't do it in a 'woe is me' kind of way either. My attitude when I'm spilling my beans, is "What do I have to lose anyway?" I don't like feeling like a doormat AT ALL, and yet I can't keep just being nice. In fact, when I was 'being just so nice' he didn't appreciate that so much. Sure, life was easy for him and so forth, but later on down the line he said I was being fake and that wouldn't last long and he knew I would revert to old behavior. He was right and I did. So, forget the whole Stepford Wife act.
So, my advice to you is BE YOURSELF - without any anger, resentment, hurt, or any other nastiness whatsoever. If you would like to go to Paris and would like him to come with you, talk about why YOU want to go to Paris. Say how fond you are of Paris from what you remember from the last time, and how you want to revisit it, and see what is happening there today. Talk almost as though he wasn't there actually - it will loosen up your voice and soften your face as you reminisce on your time and your memories. For example, "I just loved the time when you and I were walking along the Seine, and that weird guy came up to us and asked us for a cigarette and we didn't understand a word he said. I was laughing so hard afterwards. I wonder what other kind of adventures are there waiting for me." They are your memories and are completely legitimate.
Be prepared (mentally) that you will go alone. He might not respond right away. Give it a few days. If he doesn't bring it up in a few days, then let him know you are buying your ticket, and that you have been researching all the wonderful things about Paris based on what you remember from the last time and then buy your ticket. Again, no guilting him, no blame and anger. You are going for you. Then start to plan your time in Paris. Start investigating all the things going on in Paris at the time you want to go so you can keep busy.
When are you planning to go BTW? Feel free to hop on a train to and come to London - maybe we can meet up.
Anyhoo...
When I mentioned Greece, I truly honestly wanted to go to get away, to get some sun, to get some rest and recharge my batteries - and this is what I mentioned when I talked about needing a holiday. I pictured myself on the beach and sleeping late and strolling along the beach in the evening. I told him that when we were talking about it briefly.
All the dilly-dallying that he displayed in the process of reaching his final decision - well, I don't know. I guess that is part of the process for them. You just carry on doing what you want to do and sometimes they follow, and sometimes they don't. It depends on how genuine you are. They do sense that.
I think ultimately, that's what they want more than anything else. The REAL you. And if you can consistently be the real you, that makes them reconsider, and perhaps display sometimes even more confusion! It's like their heads are dead set on separation, and then when you are being yourself (which is the person they originally met and married), it's like a part of them says, "OMG! There she is! What do I do now?"
Long term, the real you is the best option anyway for the relationship - it's far more sustainable, self-accepting, attractive etc. The real you - mind you - IS NOT covered with anger, resentments, snide remarks etc.
Yeah, that 'F**k O**" was coming from a pretty genuine place I must say. The exasperation sometimes gets tooo much. He did get over it pretty quickly - and in a good way. We talked a hell of a lot after that to clear the air.
Hope you are doing well otherwise! I'll catch up with your thread now that I know which one is the right one!
I know Vero - right! Looking back now, it's because - I think!! - that I am being more genuine in my outbursts - I know, that sounds odd. What does that mean? It means that when I get upset about something, I speak it and explain it, and I don't hold on to it forever and a day, and I don't go down the resentment route and I don't start taking digs at him or guilting him. I just say it clearly and with heart. Likewise, when I am happy about something, I also say so (very important!!).
A lot of this is about self-acceptance I'm realising (see my post to Hidden.
I don't know if that really is the case, but I sense that change in me. I don't feel like walking on eggshells anymore. Now it's just about me being me.
If I lose him well, I accept that's because he's no longer the one for me and it's time to move on. I think that's my attitude now. My time away with him will tell a lot! A week to go
I totally get what you are saying on your last couple of posts about still being yourself. I think we all get a bit lost in the behaviour changes DB promotes & forgot to be ourselves. We can still adapt our behaviour - but a complete personality change is just not realistic or sustainable as you mentioned.
I like your swagger Yankee, you aren't worrying and analysing what he is doing, you are doing things & communicating differently & he is responding. This seems to be working better for you guys.
I've started a new thread, because I wanted to try & get some advice off people when the R talk is the elephant in the room sometimes, that neither party really want to bring up.
We still haven't talked about what next and I don't know where we are at. Oh well, no news is no news as they say.
