Dear Snodderly and 25 Thanks for your comments and encouragement. 25 mentioned that I spent too much time thinkin bout the OW. It's probably bc a woman showed up at my gym who looks like her and is taking classes that I am in. 25 said I need to focus on me, she is right. she said I need to focus on my kids. I have adult children. Youngest is 18. I just took him several times to practice driving because he failed his road test. H yelled at him about that and I told him I felt bad because road tester was kinda tough. I talk to my kids I am the go between for them and their dad. I am there for them and they know it.
Last night after my husband and I had the talk, we went outside and had a glass of wine and talked a bit more. He says he is glad my son has a girlfriend cuz it might straighten him out bout school like wanting to graduate. He is behind bc he hates school and doesn't put forth the effort and has ADD. Asked my H bout if his parents were affectionate in front of him, said no. I told him my dad would come in and give my mom a hug and a kiss. He said he didn't believe it cuz he never saw it and they fought alot. I told him I saw it. H was not close to his dad and didn't feel it was a big deal. Said he didn't want to hang with his dad cuz he had friends. But I told him he did sort of adopt his dads brother's family and was close to that uncle who was very gregarious and different from his dad. His dad was friendly though. And a real trouper when he had parkinsons.
I was okay til we got in house and h was watchin a tv show where a married couple was talkin about sex. TRIGGER. I said I was goin to bed and slammed the doors to our room. Laid down a started to blubber. H couldn't hear because our attic fan was on. Then went outside to finish cryin. Went back in and laid down again and when he came in I had to leave the room. I was pacing and trying to calm down. I couldn't. Went back in a started to get dressed cuz i was goin to walk to the church to talk to God. My husband told me he thought I was ok because I was when we talked outstide but I told him that tv show got to me. It was bugging me to be in the same room right then. I said I don't know what you want from me, I have tryed to be patient. I feel used while you are on the fence. I put my pjs back on and took a xanax. H told me to be patient. Then he said he was sorry he hurt me.
I backslid tonight I wasn't nice. I didn't yell or cry in front of him. But I am frustrated.
I told him no he wasn't sorry and he could leave anytime he wanted. It's just that these rude behaviors crop up still. I feel disrespected. My feelings are not considered. I feel as though I am an afterthought and sometimes that I am distained. Told him I took my pill and was going to sleep.
The next day I apologized for saying that he was not sorry. Later at breakfast I asked him to do me a favor and be patient with me. He said he has been. So I will put yesterday behind me and try again to pick myself up and start over to keep praying and be patient. NOT a strong suit of mine.
The last time I really went off on him which was a while ago, it was a similar thing where I hav asked him many times when he comes in to say he is home, seek me out and say hello and if he is going somewhere to tell me. We were supposed to go out to dinner before going to Retrouville post session. He came in, said nothing (I was downstairs) did not call out, did not phone and left the house to excercise (he had dropped my son off after being at the boat to work on it). He came back way too late to eat and simply said he thought I was out walking, but no call, no communication. This is an ongoing problem.
Dear Cadet, I just read the doormat thread you sent me. Very helpful. I have a friend whose H hangs around my H who has been going to the bar with him. We all spent alot of time together and went on vacations too. She is asking me how long I'm gonna put up with this. She is upset at my h because he told her he was going to work on the marriage and he's not doing much now. She said she felt betrayed by that and that he ruined the 4 of us's friendship. I don't think he betrayed her. He did that to me. She is used to being kinda the wise advice giver and she's bummed cuz she thinks he's avoiding her (not asking for advice and the 4 us have not hung out.) but her H is an alcoholic and can be a real pain in the ass. So she thinks I should leave my H and she puts up with alot of her own crap! I said something about her staying with him and she said the difference is that her h respects her. I think not. H still goes to the bar frequently and gets plowed and lies about things to her.
So it was helpful to read that thread. I'm going to go dim on telling her stuff since, I know she cares about me but like the thread said everybody thinks the LBS is a fool.
I did tell my husband I can't be his room mate forever, you can read what I said. He says now he is very depressed, black. How well I know that feeling. I told him so. And he knows it. I know that God can help him and he used to believe that but he avoids confession. And he went regularly until the affair. Then he went once after the affair then stopped. Makes me wonder if he is still seeing OW. But he is in the tunnel big time.
Rachael, The doormat thread is very helpful and it gives you something to think about.
Now about your friend, it's best not to share what is going on between you and your husband w/her. I get the impression from your posting that she likes to step in and offer free advice on just about everything. You do not need this type of friendship right now and you sure do not need her giving advice to your h. The fewer people that meddle in that little pot of mlc, the better.
Everyone has a viewpoint about whether we are fools for believing in our spouses, but until they walk a mile in our shoes, they need to step back and allow you to make your own decisions as to whether you stay w/him on not. She needs to be focusing on her own situation because it doesn't sound like her situation is any better. You need people who are going to support you...not discourage you.
As for your h, he's depressed and will be for a long time. He needs to work on his issues w/o distraction. Just because he doesn't go to confession doesn't mean he's still in the affair. Many of the mlcers will do the opposite of what they use to do, i.e., in his case, he doesn't go to confession. Some mlcers will stop believing in their faith until they hit bottom. Others who weren't believers pre-mlc, will begin reading the bible and preaching the holy word. So, we can't judge this mlcer's book by its cover.
Hang in there...but do not what's going on w/your friend. She can't help you w/this situation.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Snodderly, I agree with you there. My friends way of feeling important is to sometimes be a know it all. I am very fond of her but that's the deal. It's easy for others to give their opinion without having been through this. At the end of our conversation I told her I was going to continue to hang in there for awhile and left it at that. Not talking to my sisters about it any more. My counselor is the one who said I needed to talk to people but no one is for me staying with him so I'm not going to that counselor now, not just for that but I don't thinks she's very helpful.
My husband still wanted to talk to me last night outside with a glass of wine and that's when he told me his depression was black. I commisserated with him bc I have been there not just with this but other times im my life. I can have patience with him working things out for himself, but the rude disrespectful behavior and disregard I will not tolerate anymore. I'm done with that.
My Husband has told me he wants to work on the marriage!
Last week, after the talk I had with him about not wanting to be a roommate and needing a husband (can read a few posts up above), I had another talk with him on tues. of last week. I had woke up that morning and I believe God put it into my mind, that I had to apologize for some awful bad behavior in the past. A couple of years into our marriage, having to do with my bad temper. At first I thought that would be giving him more reason to leave me to remind him, but then I went to church and I decided that I had to apologize regardless of any fears. So in the evening we were talking and I apologized and told him I regretted my behavior. He just said "its been a long road." Then we dropped it and just talked about general things but also I mentioned that I was going to be patient but if he didn't want to hang around me or if we couldn't have mutual respect towards one another,it wouldn't work for me.
I was praying pretty hard the next day, sometimes I feel compelled like there is a pressing reason even if I don't know what it is. That evening he gave me a kiss and brought home some wine when he came in. He asked me if I wanted a glass later with him and then left the house. I figured he walked to a nearby park to think, which he does sometimes. I also had a feeling he was going to talk to me about something. I felt calm and figured he wouldn't buy the wine if he was going to leave, but if he did I was going to be calm.
I was right, he did go to the park and we sat outside with the wine. He said, "I made a decision, I want to work on the marriage if you'll have me back" I told him that's why i'm still here and I cried. He also told me, (and I believe this was God's work) that the Sunday before, he saw me walking down the street as I was going to church (like I always do Sunday evenings for private prayer) and he said it was surreal all of a sudden, Like I was walking away and out of his life. He said he thought to himself that "this isnt right". He said it really affected him but he didn't say anything right away because he had to process it.
We ML for the first time since march. He was a little weird at the end,almost like a mood change or distracted, said he felt strange since it's been so long. The next night, we ml again (fist night my request, this night his). And he was a bit weird at the end again (started out good but I think some emotions goin on inside) but he was good with his decision to work on this.
So, I know we are not done and still have work to do. I have to say that what I credit is that God answered my prayers. I am catholic and I prayed the rosary every day. I have also been fasting once a week for about 36 hours. Got that idea from the bible and I heard it somewhere. My favorite story is about Esther who fasted before going to her husband the king,(because you didn't go before him without being summoned or you could be put to death)to plead for her people with whom Haman (evil guy) was going to have massacred. Love the story. Any way I am thanking God for answering this prayer. I am going to continue to ask the holy spirit to guide me and I am asking for my husband to love me deeply, like the king loved Esther (said he would give her unto 1/2 of his kingdom because he loved her so.)My husband has shown me more affection this past week and I pray for that to continue as well.
I am also so very, very, grateful for this website which helps so many, and for all those who have given wise advice. I will still need it. God bless you all!
Thanks TSquared. I'm a little irritated today. Last night H says he is depressed. Says he has no interest in things he usually likes. Then he says "it's not you". I listened to him as usual and talked to him. He says it helps. His mood got me kind of down and I went to bed but he came in and wanted to ML. So we did.
Today I texted him to ask how he was, no answer. Then I get a phone message while i'm at excercise class. H is all cheery and says his friend got vip passes for fireworks and wanted to know if I cared if he went. I believe they are free so don't know what thats about. Told me to call him back. No answer. Then calls me later and says he didn't hear his phone and it was charging in the car all day. Was already on his way to friends. What gets me is that he can contact the friend and zip over to his house likety split. Why ask me what I think? I don't care if he goes but he is not always as communicative to me as to everyone else and when I am with him at a restaurant especially, he is always checking the phone.
If H is depressed, you are going to get these fluctuations of mood (my W has battled depression since she was teenager, so I have watched this our whole R)...its normal. Don't let his mood bring you with him...it is not yours to own or fix or solve...he is responsible for his happiness levels, not you. Also, if he knows he is bringing you down as well, it will not help him at all, he could feel even worse and guilty...just fyi.
Todays wackiness could be tests of you to see if you've really changed for real, or if you'll revert to what he has known...us guys tend to accept changes as real sooner than women do, but we test just like women do...so keep your changes going and forefront in your mind...BE your new self, hold your yourself close now. He may not even be aware he is testing you, btw.
If H is coming out of his tunnel it is still going to be bumpy as all heck...1 step forward, 2 back sorta thing. Keep your focus on YOU and your changes!
Hang in there...he has said what so many of us want (wanted) to hear, but his ACTIONS may lag behind, when those match his words, then maybe....
Don't be discouraged if he gets flaky again, or slips...keep YOU going, regardless of where H is at. He will still need space as he is still sorting things out. As Snodderly always reminds me.. PATIENCE!!! Stay backed-off, follow his lead in this dance atm.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Thanks Tsquared I was in bed when he came home, now up because I can't sleep. I knew it wasn't gonna be a fairy tale. This friend my husband was with is divorced and my husband has been friends with him since childhood. He is a nice guy but my husband hung out with him sunday night and now this evening.
My h called me 3 times or so while he was out to ask a question about our son but I didn't answer til the last call. told him my phone was turned down which I did after one of his calls. Just didn't want to be so available. He finally called our son himself which is what I tell him to do. He always asks me about the kids but doesn't call them himself. Then he wanted to know where I was which was at home after I went to excercise class. I know I must be patient, sometimes it's very hard for me.
