from the WAS to being walked away on

[strongerthanever]

I copied and pasted a bunch of posts. This feels so much better and "right" to me. Not bc it punishes hubby with space, but bc it gives me the space to feel good about myself again. It keeps me moving forward so that D or not, I'm ready. Not sure if it would help anyone, but I will post it here...

There are thousands of post related to going dark, letting go, detaching, getting a life, moving on, etc. etc. Whatever you want to call it, it's about regaining your own sanity, healing your broken heart, stop being a doormat and becoming a likable person.

It has been said over and over that there is no bigger attraction killer than a loss of respect, yet there are still a lot of people here who for months after months are still struggling to make that seemingly simple concept a reality.

So what gives?

Every single day I read folks here pounding each other with the same rhetoric � drop the rope, let them go, take care of yourself, become attractive again, blahblahblah. Yet minutes later they are right back in the same porridge which they have been cooking themselves in for a long time.

I have no doubt that the theory makes perfect sense, it is the lack of strength to put it in practice. Why is that?

One of the problems I see is the notion that letting go, going dark and moving on from the spouse who has fired you is some kind of a tactic to win them back. That has been advocated in books and forums. But it should not be a tactic or it will not be genuine and will not produce desired results. The walkaways and waywards are not blind or stupid not to see through the fakeness of these actions.

So how do you make this "reality"�?

You must drop the expectations that your actions are going to turn your situation around. You will never get emotionally detached if you are constantly checking what the reactions to your actions are. When I think of Stockdale Paradox, which I do very often, I see everything around me which disrupts my pursuit of happiness, as brutal facts which need to be confronted in order to prevail.

So how do you put this into practice? Your spouse fired you. You are not happy. You want her/him back. He/she does not want you because you are not longer attractive.

You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end with the discipline to confront the brutal facts of your reality.

To really understand that, is fundamental for success. To sit around and keep doing nothing or keep doing what does not work, will get you nowhere. The only person you can change and improve is yourself. Have faith in yourself to become the strong attractive person who your spouse once fell in love with. Don't do it to impress him/her, do it for yourself and your future. Remember that they don't want you anymore, so drop that for a reason.

Obsessing about the past and trying to figure out what your spouse is feeling or thinking is counterproductive. There is also nothing you can do to change history. You can however change the way you think about your emotions. Value yourself. You were fired because you had lost respect. No respect, no attraction.

Get out and explore the world. Listen to what people say about themselves and others around you. What is it that they like and adore in another person? Pay attention to that. Examine how attractive people interact. Look at their mannerism, body language, listen to how they talk and the words they use. Also learn from the people who are disliked and understand why they are.

Practice and be amazed how it works.

Suddenly you are no longer obsessed by the brutal reality of your situation. You find revelation and peace. You are completely comfortable with yourself to achieve happiness you deserve. Where is that wayward spouse again? Oh, I have forgotten. Look, there,…as miserable as before.

You confronted your brutal facts, you have not confused faith with discipline and you have prevailed. You are attractive, strong and confident person. If your spouse is still lingering and around and took notice, you may have a chance for reconciliation should you choose it. If not, you are ready to move on and pursue the new successful relationship as long as you don't forget what you just have learned.
It is WHEN the WAW begins to FEEL (notice the word FEEL or FEELINGS) that the BS may not only have let go, but that they MAY (notice the word may) have now lost the BS for good...

The betrayed spouse has their best chance when the wayward stops thinking "how do I get out of this" to..

"did I go too far? what have I done? maybe I have made a mistake"....

Those thoughts CAN NOT enter the WS's mind UNTIL they start to ponder that they may have lost the betrayed spouse.

As long as the WS still thinks you want them back it doesn't matter how much of GAL you do. Part of the GAL that is so important is the part where the WS WONDERS if you are emotionally finished.. finito.. done.. The only way to do that is with NO PRESSURE. NO PURSUIT. NONE.


There are numerous examples of men and women on this site that admit they have gotten a life, but still haven't shown or convinced the WS that maybe, just maybe they have lost you for good. THAT is the key of GAL that opens the door to reconcile. (which is the biggest key the BS doesn't do.)
VERY good question..

The whole idea behind this site is to SAVE a marriage. That is the goal. yes? no?...

My answer to your question is to say things to him NOW that he was throwing up at you before when he was wayward....

For example.. (this may not be your example, just generic)

"Husband. I am NOT really sure right now how I feel. I know you say you want to do whatever I say, but I now realize that I just don't want to be with a man who is unfaithful. I WILL NOT be with a man who doesn't give back. I need some time and space right now. Anyway I have a call on the other line and I don't have time to talk right now. I have to go."

Do you see there that you did NOT put any pressure or conditions on him? Do you see how you are giving him "letting go" talk? Do you see that IF he is serious that his only answer to you has to be...."I am sorry I was unfaithful and I will do anything to make it work"..???

Do you understand that by you playing a little "hard to get" that this may be the exact thing to do? Don't YOU remember when you thought HE felt that way? Do you remember what a tailspin it puts you in?

IF he loves you, then he WILL do anything you want...

Right now YOU are NOT SURE what you want. You want time.
Get it? IF he loves you he isn't going anywhere. Matter of fact this usually gets a man to try HARDER...

How many times do I have to tell you women these things?

It is your LOW SELF ESTEEM that causes you to question my advice. Fake it...



Don't just play hard to get..
but.. BE HARD TO GET.. Be a prize he has to earn. MAKE him earn your love back. You don't have to be mean to him. Just be a little mysterious and let him think you really aren't sure right now. You want to think it over.. The funny thing is that I really think by your question to me that you really DO want to think this over. And yet your low self esteem is wanting to rush back in too soon. Let him earn it

Remember. He has to give up the OW and yet it has to be because he WANTS to not because you forced him. The only way to do that is to let him think that he has gone too FAR. That he has maybe blown it. Are you a second choice type woman? Don't be. Let him feel that he can HAVE the OW.. BUT.. he can't have you too..
It is easier for THEM to think they can have this duality while they are confused. But as long as it exists they do not experience the loss of the M. They think it's still there...waiting. They won't go through the stages the LBS has to go through until they FEEL IT HARD. Like the day you got the bomb dropped on you.
When the WS says they want to be just friends, your answer is to say "oh yes we can be friends, maybe we make better friends than we do lovers."

THAT is what you say to them.. You tell them as if you are perfectly happy being friends. No big deal.

NOW.. What your ACTIONS do after you say that is somewhat different... You do NO contacting except for business that HAS to be done. You do NO pursuing. You do NOT hang on the phone. When they contact you, be cordial, but a tad distant. Not mean.
You always want to act like you are very very busy and when they call, you are "right in the middle of something" and can't talk. Get down to the reason they call and then YOU end the call first. Politely. "Talk to you later"

You do NOT tell a WS that "I can't be your friend"..
Why? Because it comes across as needy and "if I can't have my way, then we won't be friends. It HURTS your chances. It isn't a strong statement even though some think it is. It IS NOT.


Let them THINK you are fine being friends, and then ACT like they are a "casual" friend that you only talk to when you run into them...

GET IT? Don't cut off your nose to spite your face..

Give her HER way.. No biggie.. "sure we can be friends"

THEN you ignore them. You let THEM come to you. That is all there is to it.. You let them THINK you are friends and then you just do you own thing. Do you contact and pursue activities with every friend you have? Of course not. Do you tell one of them "well since you didn't ask me to go golfing the other day, then I will be your golf partner but I won't be your friend"

Do you see how silly that sounds to THE OTHER PERSON?



It does NOT work to reconcile.

Your answer to her should be..

"Yea we can be friends, but I WANT to live by myself. I may meet somebody and I don't want them to think I am living with a woman.. (you tell her this toungue in cheek and then drop the subject)