I just want to be friends...Pt3

[scaredsilly]

yc, i don't know how i do it. i would never have thought i would have this much patience. sometimes i think, if i were a lot younger, i just might tell him to go f$%k himself and take off.

i think a lot of what helps me is the true desire to be a better person than i have been.

sometimes i read on here what some of the LBS's have said of their WAS's behavior and i think, "i've done that", and i'm so ashamed of myself.

there's no fixing the past. i can only "fix" myself and only going forward. each day i make mistakes but each day, i have a learning experience from them.

i ordered "co-dependent no more" and am looking forward to reading it. i googled co-dependency today and was very shocked and sad to realize how much of it applies to me and my life.

most of my problems have come from not setting boundaries and trying to make others happy while tying my needs to theirs. as the resentment built up, it was too hard to bare and i became a very angry and bitter person.

i also realized it was a pattern in all my relationships with men. if i R with H, there would have to be a lot of changes we would have to make together. if i don't, the next R will be better because i will be better and i will take care of my own needs more.

my friend has not given up on me, yet. she's a very good listener and is as confused about my H as i am. sometimes she thinks i should stay and sometimes she thinks i shouldn't; just like i think.

i'm going on a trip soon and hoping it will help me detach. i know now that it is something that is crucial to my happiness.