Grace, Love, Compassion, & Faith - Looks Like What

[Valeska19]

So, a Tattoo huh?

That's gonna leave a mark...

HA - It did indeed. It's quite a beautiful one too. Leave it to me to go big and intricate on my 1st one.

I don't think I will regret my trip either. I get worried about money from time to time but that's what my savings are for. All this money that I saved for owning a place/first kid with the w.. is for a dream that is no longer..

But it has been replaced with the loving memories w/ my sister.

PS

yes you are still working things out. But among other things you are doing well, you are not rushing TO DO "something"..."anything"

b/c the papers won't necessarily give you closure or get you moving forward.

Not sure what will, but it seems to me that's your choice, right? I mean, will the taking of a pen and signing of a paper, do it for you? Will a gavel banging?

I'm a L and I get a lot of symbolism from things like that.

For ME, the signature and or a gavel banging (not likely to hear it, btw)

WOULD probably be enough of a "ritual" to make me "feel" something had changed.

What do you think would help you?

Thanks for the question.. as always - it prompts lots of thinking.

I do NOT think signing the document will give me closure.

At this time, in my heart - I feel I will get closure in God's time. To me, that will be when w is on her making amends step and God has laid it on her heart to make amends to me.

I do not feel this time is now.. or any time in NEAR Future. Two reasons:

1) I see very little changes in her when it comes to her interactions with me. She says she works on stuff - but I don't really benefit from that. She feels like the same ole w. I don't know why this is and there can be a million reasons.. so I don't dwell on it too much.

2) (And more importantly) - I don't think my heart is open to it yet.

I know I am forgiving her but my heart is still wounded. If she were to talk to me now.. I don't feel I would have the closure, because I am not healed.. and because I still am holding onto things.

I know this because I have negative thoughts when I hear people say they are working a 12 step program.

I know this because I have yet to be TRULY happy that she has been in the program for 2 yrs....

... because although I know it's not to blame, I still want to put blame there.

Because of what I lost.

But God is working on me there too - I now have someone who I have distanced myself from because I was emotionally attaching to them in an unhealthy way.

And although I do not think that is what W did to me... I know that I am hurting my friend because I am trying to take care of myself.

And because of the similarities between the two - I am working through some of the pain in my w's choice. I'm letting go of the anger.. slowly but it's happening.

So when the time is right... when we are both ready.. we will have closure.

So what will signing the papers bring?

I don't know.. and that's scary. But it's my hope that it will just mean I can let go. And I can live.

There will be no more communication and although I don' want that.. it has to be better than all the feelings that come up for me when we talk..

I don't want to assume she is manipulating me because I have stripped her of all the control she once had over me. Nor do I wish to push myself to stop thinking that way because after all she is in a program!

I don't want to battle taking the higher road with my urge to stop the passive aggressive comments and to say what I wished I would have said in my M.

I just want to live and have normal conversations. I'm very open. I like expressing my feelings and hearing the feelings of others.

I don't like passive aggressive communication, but yet I'm not a fan of pointing out people's flaws either.

There is a fine line of being loving to people and setting boundaries... and I struggle with her so much in that regards...

Does that make sense? I know it may sound like I'm giving up.. but it's not that. I just want to be myself 100% and I feel like I can't do that with her..

Whether that be because I still want to have a M, because of fear that I will fall back into my old ways - I don't know.

But I worry about it constantly with every interaction (which very few now a days).. and I'm done with it.

I want the papers signed to help me let go of any hope.

I have found myself having feelings for other people.. even find myself blushing when I am asked on dates.

..yet it is immediately followed by a dream about my w and I wake up profoundly sad that we are here... and I want her back.

I don't like this stage. This stage of being excited about the endless opportunities that are coming my way - but know I still deeply love her.

and until the papers are signed... I fear I will always stay committed to that love.

I feel like I'm out of options. I've been on quite a journey the past 20 months and have grown and worked and pushed myself..

... yet I haven't fully detached. There is still a part of me that hopes she notices me or will change her mind.

And I don't know if that's my CoDe or just a person who is still healing...

... but I don't want it anymore. I want to detach fully.

.. I don't know what else to do.... but sign.