Journaling: Something is brewing with the in laws now that SIL3 is in town. I have insufficient information at this time to determine what or to formulate an opinion. I will not react or act based on this limited information.
I know XW was upset I was welcome at the graduations last weekend. She stated she cannot be comfortable at a family function if I am present. There is a family gathering tonight. I have been asked to not attend this party. SIL1 found this difficult and spoke to me about it. I had warning and was prepared for the conversation. I told her I understood and I am not upset they wish to have a gathering of the sisters for a card party. They should be able to enjoy themselves. This is not lip service, I am not upset nor do I see a reason I should be.
I spent a little time speculating about what they wished to speak with XW about. She has been spewing and I have speculated they wish to tell her how that is impacting other members of the family.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
You are doing well with not getting caught up in your Ex-W's drama JS.
Seems to me that she is reeling and is looking to stir things up. You know what they say about misery.
Keep on keeping on brother.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
@LITB: Thanks. Until recently I never realized how much some people need drama.
I am happy to see you are doing better in your sitch. Persevere through the setbacks, keep leaning forward.
Journaling: Friday came and went without incident. I saw my daughter over the weekend when she came in to work on her painting project and to do laundry. If she wishes to tell me how spending time with her mother went she will. I am not asking about it. I am sure she is still adjusting to being present in both of our worlds and trying to keep them apart. I hope she learns to just be, to stop thinking about it, to stop giving the situation significance. I am certain she will work through it. Time and patience.
Saturday I was informed XW broke one of her arms at the elbow and spent the night in the hospital. My daughter informed me when she visited her XW had been given quite a cocktail of painkillers and was pretty out of it. SIL3 had placed several calls to my daughter at work and was somewhat frustrated when everyone did not focus upon XW. SIL3 has changed her air travel departure date and extended her vacation at home. She told my daughter she is doing so b/c no one else is stepping up.
It feels odd to stand outside watching this unfold. There is a soap opera quality to it. I very briefly weighed the merits of interjecting myself, very briefly. I perceive many negatives doing so. I am not.
I am continuing to prep the house for my son’s family. My daughter’s bathroom painting project is about complete and I have a coat of primer on the walls of the bedroom they will use. It will require at least one more coat even using the primer and top coat paint I purchased. The whole project is progressing slower than anticipated, but is doable in the time I have remaining.
I have scoped out a couple of the places they are considering renting with the old Mark 1 and sent feedback to them. I am not telling them where to live rather I am telling them what I think of each property. They have done a good job of narrowing their field and each place has plusses and minuses.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
You are doing well with not getting caught up in your Ex-W's drama JS.
Seems to me that she is reeling and is looking to stir things up. You know what they say about misery.
I agree with ^^^^
She has her own feelings to process, her own guilt and shame.
As you know - it is not your place to stop her from life showing her consequences of her actions....
...but until she is ready to accept her consequences, until she is ready to dig deep (the way that you have), I suspect you will get more of the same for her.
Keep taking the high road and know that her actions are about her and her demons.. and not you.
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
@Val: Thanks for the feedback. You are right of course. Very little has change in her outlook. The sniping at me through other family continues. We are connected through our children and the extended family that is local. I see no reason to abandon family, so she needs to learn more constructive ways to deal with her issues about my presence and connections with them. Sooner would be better.
Journaling:More mundane BS from the death throes of this sitch.
Shortly after this drama began I spoke with XW about what I saw as some of the downsides to her decision. She was rather hostile when she told me not to even try to go there, that this was her decision and I had to live with it. Throughout this she has maintained steadfast her determination to see it through and that as she expressed to me one night “There is nothing more I need you for”.
Here we are 18 months later. Judgment entry filed working through the last few items of the divorce decree. I knew something was not right. By now her distribution from my 401K should have occurred. Before I called my attorney about this on Friday I received an email from XW.
XH
We notified “Your Lawyer” mid May we need one sentence changed to say I would pay what I owe out of the money from you which he had suggested. I was unable to qualify for a loan. He has not responded to my lawyer at all. We are coming down to the deadline. My only option is to turn over my 401K I am in the process of making that happen. Can you call “Your Lawyer” to get this process moving so the full amount is paid?
XW
So I called my L and found XW is having financial difficulty and wants the judgment entry amended so that she may use the 401K distribution as regular funds as soon as it is awarded. My L has made two changes and communicated the changes to her L each time to verify what she needed, prior to communicating the needed change to me for my approval.
I received and reviewed a copy of the amended qudro document late last night. The change does not affect me more than any of the rest of this would have. I see no good to come from using a refusal to affect her negatively. I will verbally confirm my understanding of the change with my L on Monday and provided I still find it acceptable acquiesces to the changes.
Today I received the following email from XW in my for work email.
XH
No response from your lawyer so It will be the 401K money I had in holding at with the taxes taken out. All he had to do was change one sentence and it would have been paid in full. But you will have enough to refinance I will just have to keep paying on my credit cards until paid off.
XW
While I appreciate her frustration there is nothing for me to do other than what I have already planned to do. This email does not warrant a response from me to her.
These changes in her use of her distribution of my 401K and liquidation minus penalties from her 401K will increase her tax burden and leave her with little beyond SS to retire on in 17 years. I do not think she fully realizes the ramifications. I take no joy in this. I do feel a little pity. I am looking forward and need to get my own house in order.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Just, at this moment you must wear your business hat. Make financial decisions that you will not regret in the future. If you are flexible you will regret it later on. I have had those feelings of pilty myself but I have put them in a box and on a shelf for now. Yes it is selfish but that is divorce. Good luck my friend
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
@Rick No worries. I was never inclined to act out of pity and prop her up to the detriment of myself.
She is my XW. This was her choice. At no time did she work with me or anyone else to attempt a restoration of our relationship. At no time did she consider working with me to accomplish her goal in anything but an adversarial manner. The garden she is harvesting now is the one she planted and cultivated. She reaps what she sowed.
She is still angry. I am still blamed for the negatives in her life. Some of the logic is rather convoluted. She needs to grow and I need to stay out of the way for her to do so. She needs to face herself and realize she is causing her own angst, her own drama. In this case that means not stepping in and attempting rescue. To do so could be seen as taking ownership of her current issue with the timing of the distribution payment. This is not mine to fix, it never was. Frankly her reliance upon having the distribution in hand in time to meet her obligations is her poor decision making nothing more.
When we had a relationship we pooled resources and made joint decisions about how to conduct our lives. Good or bad they were our decisions and we were in it together for the long haul. Now we are not in a relationship. We are not working jointly for our betterment. In these circumstances I do not see working to better myself as selfish. I can feel pity for her when she experiences consequences of her poor decisions and do nothing further.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
She is still angry. I am still blamed for the negatives in her life. Some of the logic is rather convoluted. She needs to grow and I need to stay out of the way for her to do so. She needs to face herself and realize she is causing her own angst, her own drama. In this case that means not stepping in and attempting rescue. To do so could be seen as taking ownership of her current issue with the timing of the distribution payment. This is not mine to fix, it never was. Frankly her reliance upon having the distribution in hand in time to meet her obligations is her poor decision making nothing more.
Thanks for this JS - I know it wasn't meant for me or even the LBS but it did put a big mirror in front of my face.
I have been stuck in the blame game recently.
Thanks for helping me see it.
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Do you remember the Wizard of OZ? Do you remember the song the munchkins sang after Dorothy dropped a house on the Wicked Witch of The West?
That song has been running through my mind. I held my granddaughter for the first time tonight. I had hours of time to visit my son and DIL and hold her. They are local for the next three years. They intentionally did not broadcast their arrival. They gave me a gift of time.
I was concerned I was persona non grata in my DILs opinion and would have an uphill battle establishing a relationship with her. It seems that is not the case. Right now I do not care why. I am on a high. I will be a part of my son’s life, I will be a part of DIL’s life and I will be a part of my granddaughter’s life.
The last vestige of sway XW had to “F” with my life has ceased to exist. Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
