Good question. I felt disrespected when I saw him parked outside. I wanted him to know that I respected his need to leave and I didn't pressure him by parking outside his mom's house. I felt that he was pressuring me and making this decision more difficult for me. However, I do see how anger is what sparked my comment. I should have waited to comment. Waited until I was calm because I wasn't.
I took a hiatus from Al anon and IC because S4 was on vacation until summer school starts next week. I see the mtgs as medicine. If I don't take my medicine, I get sick. I react on emotions.
As for the anger stage, there was a time when I was always angry. Now, not so much. I'm feeling hurt and frustrated. I don't want to hurt him. I don't feel vengeful like I did before. However I do notice that in our recent discussions I have become heated because I'm tired...
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
First morning w no visit. breathe... the positives: kids slept in an extra hour; there was no rush to get up; house is quiet; I'm sitting at the counter w D having breakfast with S; no rush to clean or make the bed
H called to talk about his morning run and how his legs hurt and "remember i haven't run since I hurt myself that time when I was playing soccer and your dad went to go see me" and "I need to teach a cycling class. I dont' know how I'm going to do it" and "I ran two laps at the Rose Bowl and that's 1/4 of the marathon"
I had the urge to text him, we miss you too...
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Is this weird? We actually talk A LOT more relaxed now. It's as if he's not worried I'll hurt him. Before he had a guard up every once in a while. Now he is SUPER comfortable with me. Talking about everything that runs through his mind (obviously not about R).
And if I don't pick up the first time he calls, he'll call about 4times on the cell and 4 times on the house phone.
He doesn't want me to move from the house to an apt. Said I should wait a year. I said, I was thinking of starting to work this fall. He recommends I wait a year.
I still need help with LRT...
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I finally got a sponsor. She is great and I hope to work the program as often as I can remember. It's so difficult to retrain your old bad habits.
I realize now that my attempt at LRT was fueled by anger/resentment. Since it wasn't well thought out I wasn't detaching. I was pushing him off a cliff.
I had told myself before that if I still felt like detaching when I wasn't angry, then it was time to LRT. But I was driven by anger and now I'm regretting my attempts.
H has been coming over everyday. Funny, I never told him of my regrets. He said he was going to be coming at 8:30am to pick up S4, but came at 7am... To be honest, I was glad.
I was worried to sound wishy washy or flip flopping but I don't care anymore. I need to LRT when I'm ready and I'm not ready if I'm going to be going back and forth.
God I need help...
Our MC asked me for an individual session after I told him I didn't want to go to coparenting therapy anymore. At the session I told him everything and he suggested I express myself to H. Tell him to keep the apt, tell him that I would like to try to work it out, tell him that if he could spend the night once a week and after I tell him all this, tell him he doesn't need to respond right away. Just leave it at that and see what happens.
MC said, he shows signs that he's afraid to come back and that if I'm ok with him slowly coming back to encourage it. I told him that he's still contacting OW and he said that it's up to me depending on my boundaries but from what I had told him about how often H comes over, MC thinks he wants to come back but is scared (of things not working out) and that the R with OW is diminishing.
I need to keep going to my meetings! I need to work my program (al anon)! I need to continue GALing! I need to work through my anger!!!!!
God help me!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
just my .02 but I think many times the WAS wants to come home
but does NOT b/c he/she fears 2 things:
1) that the LBSer won't really forgive them. That would mean, at a minimum, letting go of the A. You cannot bring it up when you get upset or throw it in his face in fights, or hang it over his head forever. It does not "entitle" you to get your way on all issues if you two reconcile
(and believe me, I felt I DESERVED to get my way b/c of what I'd been through...but that was in the past and we all have to live in the present or we'll be trapped and dragged down by the slights and hurts we nurture from the past).
So Lose the scorecard and move forward...and fyi, HE has his own scorecard and things don't measure up the same as yours. IOW he has some hurt you don't know about that you did to him...it goes both ways and simply put, scorecards don't belong in marriages.
Some people cannot do the whole "LET IT GO & forgive" thing...they just can't or won't. I don't judge that; I say FIGURE it out. It's a waste of everyone's time to stay married AND stay miserable...
If you can't/won't let it go, it'll pollute your marriage forever and the kids will grow up in a home of seething resentment, unspoken words and unexpressed love. Not a legacy you want to pass on... OR you can give them a legacy of forgiveness, committment and redemption.
I say this as one who did NOT see forgiveness growing up, and had to learn it. It's a learned skill....
2) the WAS fears that the changes the LBSer is making, like not being so angry or emotional, for example, are NOT real or permanent. They fear that the old marriage will return, and that old marriage is what they left.
So how are YOU showing him that
marriage to you can be better/different than before?
If you are not showing him that, then why would he come back?
I'm not saying he doesn't have to regain your trust.
But that issue is a lot farther away than the ones I mention above, so first things first.
Lose the scorecard and figure out YOUR work.
And how are your GAL things going, other than meetings?
Are you becoming the best YOU that you can be? Becoming a woman only a fool would leave---is the best insurance against this happening again...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
V- IMO I think you need to get some space and really figure out what it is that you want because i see you going back and forth in a variety of ways. Which is fine and normal but it seems to be confusing yourself as well as your h.
You say you are done and don't want to live as things are and set boundaries and then allow h to cross them with no consequences. This is not a good dynamic for you to be establishing.
Originally Posted By: veroprado
I felt disrespected when I saw him parked outside. I wanted him to know that I respected his need to leave and I didn't pressure him by parking outside his mom's house. I felt that he was pressuring me and making this decision more difficult for me.
You confronted him and established that you didn't want him doing this, good job.
Originally Posted By: veroprado
First morning w no visit. breathe... the positives: kids slept in an extra hour; there was no rush to get up; house is quiet; I'm sitting at the counter w D having breakfast with S; no rush to clean or make the bed
This seems very positive to me, how about you?
Originally Posted By: veroprado
Is this weird? We actually talk A LOT more relaxed now. It's as if he's not worried I'll hurt him. Before he had a guard up every once in a while. Now he is SUPER comfortable with me. Talking about everything that runs through his mind (obviously not about R).
And if I don't pick up the first time he calls, he'll call about 4times on the cell and 4 times on the house phone.
He doesn't want me to move from the house to an apt. Said I should wait a year. I said, I was thinking of starting to work this fall. He recommends I wait a year.
I still need help with LRT...
Not weird at all, my w and I went through the same stage. Only mindreading here but if he feels like you are ok w/ his decision and have let him go then he doesn't feel the pressure and is more comfortable in opening up.
Assuming that in his mind he is no longer married to you and does not want to R is this type of communicating and relationship ok with you?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't want you to move or thinks you should wait to start working. What matters is what you think is best for you, which is? This is your life V, live it how you like w/ out worrying about what your h may think or how he may react.
Originally Posted By: veroprado
IC told me not to move if I will feel guilty or resentful, especially if it's not in a good neighborhood. Instead focus on ending the morning routine. I don't have a problem with him seeing the kids everyday, but I don't want him coming over the house and acting as if we're a family.
Last night he cried and said, don't take the morning's from me. don't take my kids from me. I said, I'm not taking the kids from you. YOU LEFT! that's when I decided he could pick up S4 at 8:30am to take him to school. Heck, he can pick him up earlier and take him to breakfast. I just don't want a R if he's still in limboland! I'm DONE!!
Yet you set a boundary and let him cross it. How are you done? I think its time for you to decide what is in the best interest for V and your kids and whatever you decide I think you need to hold the line, at least for a month or so. After that re-evaluate.
Thank you Thank you Thank you for the kick in the butt 25 n SIAS!!! I need it!
Ok so here are MY NEW GOALS:
1- work on my anger/resentment! my sponsor told me to journal. I hold back on this because I notice it makes me more angry but I guess I'm repressing it which doesn't help!
2- work on living in the present! I need to learn how to meditate and relax.
This morning I got another panic attack. I immediately called H to tell him off and thank GOD! he didn't pick up. I then called my sponsor. It helped a lot! I need to continue to use her.
Tomorrow morning H isn't coming over so we will have a nice relaxing morning to ourselves. (Unless he decides to show up as he has everyday this week without calling!)
Wish us luck!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
