New to separation. Am I doing the right things?

[Accuray]

That's very nice of you -- no Phd, experience is a brutal teacher! I've read a ton of books, got lots of great coaching, and lots of help on this forum myself. "The Captain" on the SSM forum where I originally posted helped me more than anyone when I needed it most. I could never repay him (TeaEarlGreyHot), I don't want to sell anyone else short but that's who picked up my sitch when I was most hurt and he stuck with me.

In terms of your summary above, you have it -- patience, repetition, consistency and more patience.

I was thinking of it this way: pretend you own a shop that sells rare books that your wife really likes. Over time, you open up a poker room in the front of the store with all kinds of unsavory characters, your W has to walk through the poker room to get to the books. It makes her nervous and she starts to dread it. After dealing with that enough, it's no longer worth it to get to the books. When she walks down the street and sees your storefront she cringes and crosses the street just thinking about what's inside. The books are forgotten, all she thinks about is cigar smoke and scary men.

At some point, you decide to shut all that down and start selling wonderful antiques instead, plus your books. You spend a couple months collecting the best stuff and redecorating your store. The problem is, your wife will STILL cross the street and hurry by because of the memories and training of what to expect.

At some point she might notice a nice vase in the front window and start to think about that -- she didn't expect to see that there. A couple weeks later she sees a writing desk. She starts to think about the books and wonders if they are still there.

Eventually she's convinced there's no longer a poker room and she stops in, she's truly surprised by the change and begins to form new impressions and question what she "knows"

The thing is, if you ran out on the street and grabbed her and tried to push her into the shop the day after shutting down the poker, she would be scared, the place would still smell like cigars, and there wouldn't be enough there yet to convince her it's now an antiques store with the books she loves. She would fight you and try to run!

Unfortunately, the number of times she has to walk by before she notices is completely out of your control. If you try to make her notice she runs.

Time and patience. She will remember the books on her own. There's a reason she married you, you gave her something she needed -- she still needs it.

Accuray