Ok, so if I understand what you’re saying. Trying vs. actually doing, are completely different. It’s amazing how small variations with verbiage can make a huge difference, that makes sense. Do the 180’s and don’t point them out, period! If I am consistent with the 180’s over time, she will start to notice. She might even start to get mad because she will be wondering why I didn’t do those things when we were together but keep doing them. Am I on the right track?
Accuray, with your impressive input I am wondering if you received your PHD in Psychology? Just might have to give you the nickname, Yoda.
I have also been reading some of your posts on MAB1’s thread. Some of your suggestions that you recommended to him also apply to me and I am sure many others. I noticed you quoted some writing from the book Love Must Be Tough. That was actually the first book I read right before my W asked for a separation. What a great book! It helped out a lot with my self-esteem and confidence. It also gave me the knowledge to understand that I DO have more control over my sitch.
Accuray, I know I’ve complemented you quite a bit but you have a gift, an amazing gift. Myself and I bet many others are truly thankful for everything you’ve contributed.
Me(M):37 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 1 D: 1 W wanted separation 5/5 Stopped living together 5/5
Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude. Thomas Jefferson
That's very nice of you -- no Phd, experience is a brutal teacher! I've read a ton of books, got lots of great coaching, and lots of help on this forum myself. "The Captain" on the SSM forum where I originally posted helped me more than anyone when I needed it most. I could never repay him (TeaEarlGreyHot), I don't want to sell anyone else short but that's who picked up my sitch when I was most hurt and he stuck with me.
In terms of your summary above, you have it -- patience, repetition, consistency and more patience.
I was thinking of it this way: pretend you own a shop that sells rare books that your wife really likes. Over time, you open up a poker room in the front of the store with all kinds of unsavory characters, your W has to walk through the poker room to get to the books. It makes her nervous and she starts to dread it. After dealing with that enough, it's no longer worth it to get to the books. When she walks down the street and sees your storefront she cringes and crosses the street just thinking about what's inside. The books are forgotten, all she thinks about is cigar smoke and scary men.
At some point, you decide to shut all that down and start selling wonderful antiques instead, plus your books. You spend a couple months collecting the best stuff and redecorating your store. The problem is, your wife will STILL cross the street and hurry by because of the memories and training of what to expect.
At some point she might notice a nice vase in the front window and start to think about that -- she didn't expect to see that there. A couple weeks later she sees a writing desk. She starts to think about the books and wonders if they are still there.
Eventually she's convinced there's no longer a poker room and she stops in, she's truly surprised by the change and begins to form new impressions and question what she "knows"
The thing is, if you ran out on the street and grabbed her and tried to push her into the shop the day after shutting down the poker, she would be scared, the place would still smell like cigars, and there wouldn't be enough there yet to convince her it's now an antiques store with the books she loves. She would fight you and try to run!
Unfortunately, the number of times she has to walk by before she notices is completely out of your control. If you try to make her notice she runs.
Time and patience. She will remember the books on her own. There's a reason she married you, you gave her something she needed -- she still needs it.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
What a great description. I'll try to keep that in mind as I work on all of my changes and wonder why H isn't coming around as quickly as I'd like.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
A helpful and well painted picture Accuray, thank you. Right now I feel like I am just going through the motions. W dropped the kids off for the weekend and she stuck around for just a couple minutes, the typical routine. I caught myself doing more of the light chit chat . Looking back on it, I should have zipped it. Oh well, no need to be over critical of myself, just something to remember for the future.
I’ve been doing some reminiscing which isn’t very helpful but it’s tough not to do at times. I really hate this!!! Over the years I’ve always told myself no matter how bad things are, I would NEVER be the one in the marriage to initiate the separation. Even though I didn’t initiate it, we were in a poor marriage and change needed to happen. I just wish it didn’t have to come to this. But it has, I have to deal with it and face it head on and keep a positive attitude (easier said than done).
Before the separation I would see all these single parents and say to myself that I am sure glad I am not in that situation. I would tell myself that I would never be a single dad and I was so proud that we were a intact family, wow have things changed, look at me now. I know, self pity isn’t helpful. I need to remember that I CAN CHANGE.
Accuracy the book/poker/antique analogy is wonderful. Thank you again for. Your continued insight and support to us all.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Thanks bustingout. As you probably know, sometimes we get so caught up in the sitch that we don’t necessary know if we are getting better, there just such minor changes. As Accuray said in a previous post, it’s important for us to recognize some of these changes with the way we feel.
On another note, I still question if my W has had an affair, I have no proof and it does no good to worry about it. I think there’s a good chance she has but who knows. Since she took her ring off and decided to separate and go to bars every now and then, I just feel it’s a matter of time before there’s OM in the sitch. In a way I am preparing myself for the worst because it just feels and seems imminent.
Once again, I have no control over that so I need to just forge ahead! Thanks to all who have read my thread and contributed input. It means a lot.
My son just finished his baseball league today. City champions, a undefeated season, I am so proud of him and the entire team, they did such a great job and I really enjoyed being the assistant coach, it’s so good for me to get my mind off my sitch from time to time.
My W went out with my mom after the game. They are actually together as we speak. I will agree with the advice I was given on this board, it’s out of my control, nothing I can do about it. It’s just interesting that my W wants to maintain a relationship with my mother, especially during out separation. They have always been close though.
Anyway, I will take the kids to church tomorrow and make the best out of my life and the cards I’ve been dealt. Love to all!
M:39 H:39 S/15, S/11 (both adopted in 2004, my step-nephews, now our kids) M10, T13 Multiple bombs. Latest one 5/4/12, our 10th anniversary. Still living together and sharing a bed up until 7/18/12.
