I did it. I posted the house for rent and went to look at a place today. The place has everything I need but it's not in the best area.
H came over giving advice on how to redo the house. He asked what was wrong and I told him. I don't want to live here if you're not here. When we first moved into this house it was because we were doing it together. There are too many projects at this house and I can't afford them. I need to be independent of you and your family. I can't do that if I continue living here. You told me you're not asking me to have hope or patience. Well then I need to live my life as if you're not coming back.
He responded by telling me I should stay for the kids because here they have a yard, we can safely go for walks at night.
This is when I broke down (I sounded like a WAS).This decision is not an easy one to make. I don't even know if it's the best decision, but I have to do it for me.
He called after and said he was sorry. Then he brought up the morning visits. That's when I had to put up my boundaries. I told him that since he is still disrespecting me (he continues seeing OW) then I don't want him coming over in the morning. I said, I thought that by now you wouldn't be talking to her. I need to teach you how to respect me
There was crying. I felt so guilty. I agreed to him coming to pick up S4, but no more morning breakfast routine. He comes at the time S4 needs to leave the house.
He text shortly after, I promise you that things will get better. I will do anything to see my children. I love you guys too much. I didn't respond. I cried. That's the closest he's come to telling me he loves me. He called a few minutes later (very uncommon) to see what we were doing. I reminded him that this is very hard for me.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Omg vero....I am giving you the biggest hug right now.
I am so sorry for this all. But I think you were very strong and showed an enormous amount of self-respect with what you said and how you responded.
You are very brave and I admire your strength and your courage and the love you have for your children and your family and YOURSELF.
I know you are sad right now. But you are worth everything you are fighting for.
Sending you another huge hug and will be checking in later to see how you are.
((( ))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Vero, Great job at gathering the strength to look at the house. I know it's a hard step. Well done.
I think you started the conversation well with why you needed to leave the house. Moving forward, no matter how much we don't want it sometimes, is a necessary part of this journey.
Originally Posted By: veroprado
He called after and said he was sorry. Then he brought up the morning visits. That's when I had to put up my boundaries. I told him that since he is still disrespecting me (he continues seeing OW) then I don't want him coming over in the morning. I said, I thought that by now you wouldn't be talking to her. I need to teach you how to respect me.
I don't understand this at all. YOU said that you needed to set this boundary because YOU needed space and needed to settle down emotionally.
Yet the above makes it seem like you stopped him from seeing his kids in the morning because of the OW.
Am I misreading this?
Because if I'm not, then by your own admittance you are punishing him for his relationship with his OW.. by keeping him away from his kids.
And I'm just gonna be honest.. that's wrong.
I know you're hurting and I know it's hard.. but you need to slow down. This post is full of emotional reactions - which make sense - but don't do you or your M any good at the moment.
Breathe, walk-a-way, keep the conversations short and to the point... whatever.. but find a way to not get emotional during a discussion...
Learn to stand strong and confident with your need for space, but not in an angry or hurtful way.
You can do this...
The more you practice DBing - the easier it becomes.
I promise.
((( )))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Val, I don't read it that way. I believe what V is saying he's disrespecting her by being with the OW. It's not because of the OW but rather his choices. Replace OW with any other addiction, booze, pills, porn, sex.
When you reach your limit, you reach your limit.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I totally hear how trying that was for you, Vero. I admire you standing up for yourself and your boundaries of how you want to be treated. It isn't easy when we have so much emotional investment and history.
Originally Posted By: veroprado
He called after and said he was sorry. Then he brought up the morning visits. That's when I had to put up my boundaries. I told him that since he is still disrespecting me (he continues seeing OW) then I don't want him coming over in the morning. I said, I thought that by now you wouldn't be talking to her. I need to teach you how to respect me.
Originally Posted By: Valeska19
Vero,I don't understand this at all. YOU said that you needed to set this boundary because YOU needed space and needed to settle down emotionally.
Yet the above makes it seem like you stopped him from seeing his kids in the morning because of the OW.
Vero, there is an important distinction re: what we are doing when we enforce boundaries that may be helpful here. The thing with boundaries isn't that we "actively" teach someone how to respect us (or, worse, punish them for not respecting our boundaries).
Rather, it is that we do not allow others to cross our boundaries or, more precisely, we do not expose ourselves to others that cross our boundaries. We do that by removing OURSELVES ("space", very short or no contact, emotional detachment, etc.) from situations or actions that cross our boundaries.
The distinction is important because we can control how we act, where we are, who we engage with and emotionally invest in. We cannot, however, control others. That's why it is misguided for us to try to teach anyone to do anything. They (or life) will need to teach themselves, based on the consequences of their actions.
It is totally fine if you choose to remove yourself from your H and you demand space from your H while he is acting this way. And if that involves him not coming into your home and your space to visit with the kids, that is totally understandable. BUT, unless it is a danger to the kids, he should have the right to take the kids out of the house for breakfast, for example, on days that are "his" days.
Setting up a joint custody arrangement is GREAT in this respect because it protects each of the you as well as the kids from potentially sticky day-to-day decisions and establishes safe boundaries that each of you can follow. If H wants breakfast with the kids on his clock and at his place (but apart from you) a few days per week, for example, he can swing by and pick them up. These things can and should be worked out where the kids retain a R with Dad (if he wants) while you get the space you need while he is not respecting your boundaries.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
The distinction is important because we can control how we act, where we are, who we engage with and emotionally invest in. We cannot, however, control others. That's why it is misguided for us to try to teach anyone to do anything. They (or life) will need to teach themselves, based on the consequences of their actions.
Important distinction.
Vero, boundaries are to protect you.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
[/i]I told him to come over at 9am since I had a 10am appt with IC. I heard his car at 7am. When I opened the curtains at 8am, he was parked outside. S4 noticed it and said, where's papi? that's his truck!
I called him and told him S4 is sitting on the bed looking at his car through the window. I told him to come in. There was silence. Then I said, [i]What if the day you walked out I had parked outside your mom's house pregnant and with S4? What would you have done? You would have told me to go home!! Well I'm not like that! He said he wasn't planning on coming in til 9am. I said I know that but how could I have S4 looking at him from the window? I cried. There was a long silence. I went to my room and changed the subject. Lightened the mood. And our day continued. Again as if we were a family. He took the kids to errands then brought the kids home for lunch, and took them to swim lessons. He hung out, bathed kids n went home. It was as if nothing had happened. HE IS GREAT AT "ACTING AS IF." HE SHOULD WIN A F-- OSCAR FOR HIS PERFORMANCE!!
Me, I worked it (acting as if) and told him I didn't want to to talk about the issue since it's just so draining.
IC told me not to move if I will feel guilty or resentful, especially if it's not in a good neighborhood. Instead focus on ending the morning routine. I don't have a problem with him seeing the kids everyday, but I don't want him coming over the house and acting as if we're a family.
Last night he cried and said, don't take the morning's from me. don't take my kids from me. I said, I'm not taking the kids from you. YOU LEFT! that's when I decided he could pick up S4 at 8:30am to take him to school. Heck, he can pick him up earlier and take him to breakfast. I just don't want a R if he's still in limboland! I'm DONE!!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I think having him see the kids in a place outside of your home will be good for you.
Originally Posted By: veroprado
Then I said, What if the day you walked out I had parked outside your mom's house pregnant and with S4? What would you have done? You would have told me to go home!! Well I'm not like that!
How was that helpful? Do you feel better letting him know your are hurting?
IMO - your conversations are being lead by anger/hurt.
Anger is an necessary phase to letting go. It often leads to healing and growth....
...but it can be a very ugly stage as well.
Do you feel like your are in that phase? If so, How do you want to handle it?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
