Husband Filed for Divorce Today

[greatwhitenorth]

I may be sleeping on the couch next week. It just feels like it will push him away farther.

It won't push him away further. Remember, space is a good thing even if it feels horrible.

We were having major problems with intimacy in our marriage, that was a major theme but I know he doesn't exactly value sex the way I do. So I think I will just need to be strong.

Have you sniffed around on the sex starved marriage group?

I don't want him to think that we will be ex's with benefits (that's what him and his ex-wife were for awhile).

Sounds like a couple of possibilities to me. One is that he uses sex as a way of weaning off the marriage, so to speak. The other is that he has a hard time mixing emotion/affection/wife with the physical act of sex.

I am moving out of our home because I cannot afford it on the income I will have. For the size house we have, our rent is a very good deal but I can get a cheaper apartment and not have near the utilities. It is a big house to take care of too, all by myself.

I totally get the size of the house being an issue. I'm dealing with that myself. As for being able to afford it, have you talked to a lawyer about child and spousal support? Your H might want to spend his money as he sees fit, but it svcks to be him 'cause that ain't the reality of dissolution of marriage. He has financial responsibilities to you and your child.

If you haven't see a lawyer about this, do so regardless of whether you stay in the marital home or not.

I was very upset last night because I have been such a crappy mom to my daughter since these problems started surfacing last year.

Reverse the ways in which you were not the best parent to your daughter. She deserves nothing but the best both her parents can give her.

Then it seemed like he resented it.

Resentment is poison for any relationship.

We are very different people.

Have you done any thinking about how you can meet him in the middle on a few things? Not that you raise this with him, just that you figure it out and do it. He will notice in his own good time.[/quote]

I am a homebody and he is not. We live far from our friends and it has been hard to make friends where we are now. We converted to Catholicism last year and he has had a change of heart and believes it is not right for him anymore even though he was the one that initiated it. We have a lot of sexual issues. I've changed a lot since becoming a Christian. I was not a Christian when we married and lived a very different lifestyle. I also changed a lot when I became a mother. He believes that he deserves to spend his money how he wants because he worked so hard for it. I have a hard time with anything dealing with deserving and entitlement. He thinks I'm not driven because I didn't want to get a job. I had a lot of issues with jobs before we had our daughter.

I'm athiest so can't speak to the Catholicism piece, but any significant changes like that must be difficult to navigate. Faith is not a static thing, it doesn't just happen, it needs to be lived and breathed every day. Maybe your H wasn't up for it in the long run, and that's OK. There are lots of happily married people who don't share the same faith.

If he thinks you're not driven, the be driven, get that job, show YOURSELF that you can do it and he will eventually notice.

I made a huge mistake right before we got married and quit a good paying job which ultimately led to us losing our house and filing bankruptcy.

This is a very big thing for a lot of people. For many getting past it requires time and solid evidence that the person who dropped the ball will never drop it again. It really svcks to have everything you worked so hard to achieve collapse because one person didn't keep up their end of the bargain. It becomes a trust issue.

It was not the only reason, we both had bad spending habits and shouldn't have bought the house but it was a big reason.

Usually isn't the only reason. Show yourself and through that your H that you can be more financially responsible.

I nag a lot because I don't know how to get him to do things that need to be done.

Nagging is poison. It seldom results in what we want to achieve, and when it does there's always eventually collatoral damage.

I know there is more.

Sorry that was very long winded. I should have replied separately to everyone's posts.

It's OK Jessica.

It seems to me you've got some good things to work with here (give him space, don't nag, get working and saving and fixing up your financial situation), through which you can see your way through this in the best shape possible. I really encourage you to see a lawyer about child and spousal support.

Remember, saving yourself is the goal, and you could save your marriage in the process.