I'm a new person

[bustorama]

I totally hear how trying that was for you, Vero. I admire you standing up for yourself and your boundaries of how you want to be treated. It isn't easy when we have so much emotional investment and history.

He called after and said he was sorry. Then he brought up the morning visits. That's when I had to put up my boundaries. I told him that since he is still disrespecting me (he continues seeing OW) then I don't want him coming over in the morning. I said, I thought that by now you wouldn't be talking to her. I need to teach you how to respect me.

Vero,I don't understand this at all. YOU said that you needed to set this boundary because YOU needed space and needed to settle down emotionally.

Yet the above makes it seem like you stopped him from seeing his kids in the morning because of the OW.

Vero, there is an important distinction re: what we are doing when we enforce boundaries that may be helpful here. The thing with boundaries isn't that we "actively" teach someone how to respect us (or, worse, punish them for not respecting our boundaries).

Rather, it is that we do not allow others to cross our boundaries or, more precisely, we do not expose ourselves to others that cross our boundaries. We do that by removing OURSELVES ("space", very short or no contact, emotional detachment, etc.) from situations or actions that cross our boundaries.

The distinction is important because we can control how we act, where we are, who we engage with and emotionally invest in. We cannot, however, control others. That's why it is misguided for us to try to teach anyone to do anything. They (or life) will need to teach themselves, based on the consequences of their actions.

It is totally fine if you choose to remove yourself from your H and you demand space from your H while he is acting this way. And if that involves him not coming into your home and your space to visit with the kids, that is totally understandable. BUT, unless it is a danger to the kids, he should have the right to take the kids out of the house for breakfast, for example, on days that are "his" days.

Setting up a joint custody arrangement is GREAT in this respect because it protects each of the you as well as the kids from potentially sticky day-to-day decisions and establishes safe boundaries that each of you can follow. If H wants breakfast with the kids on his clock and at his place (but apart from you) a few days per week, for example, he can swing by and pick them up. These things can and should be worked out where the kids retain a R with Dad (if he wants) while you get the space you need while he is not respecting your boundaries.