Blood on the Tracks

[~ kd ~]

TM, while I understand that you believe your W was hurt because you avoided talking to her or felt you were being punative and aggressive with her...

I'd think again... ok, maybe the above was NOT what you think she felt... but anyhow...

Here's the thing, TM... my W would continually bring up stuff outside of mediation or lawyers...

I believed at the time, and I still do... First, she wanted me to agree BEFORE HAND... so it looked like we agreed with each other going in... Second, as far as the L... HER L... she'd get dinged for everything her L did for her, so she was trying to save money by negotiating with me outside of the L...

I could be way off base there, but I really don't go for what appears to be crocodile tears, from your W... L's are there to protect ourselves... from ourselves... because sometimes we just don't think straight... and "give too much"... or don't think about things that would be important...

Also, I think my W brought stuff up to keep communicating with me... no idea why she would want that, but she wanted us to be "friends"... so... idk... she was a master negotiator... and I was... not so much...

[tested metal]

Last night I thought of the idea of being divorced and I was eeriely calm with it. I have gotten accoustomed to being on my own now and although I still love STBXW, I love her as a friend only, and I don't know if I will ever be able to trust her.

My L e-mailed me stating the the D will be over soon.

Last night I was watching The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly and this time watching it I realized that the entire movie actually symbolizes my relationship with STBXW. (Spoiler alert! If you have not seen movie and want to, then stop reading and go see it!)

Throughout the movie, Tuco (STBXW) and Blondie (me, of course ;p) are partners in crime. Tuco sticks his head in teh noose (gets into trouble) and Blondie keeps shooting him down from the gallows (fixing). Then the fighting begins between the two and they double cross each other. Throughout the movie there is a complete lack of trust and they remain to be civil despite bad feelings between the two. The end scene is what really got me though.

At the graveyard, Tuco runs to the grave that Blondie told him where the treasure (happiness, self worth, etc.) was buried. Tuco soon discovers that he was tricked and that he had the wrong grave, and Blondie's test about Tuco's loyalty proved that he could not trust him.

In comes in Angel Eyes (the marriage)and he wants to know where the treasure is too. So there is a standoff between the three. Blondie kills Angel Eyes first and then turns to Tuco. Tuco tries to fire, but discovers that Blondie had emptied his chamber the night before. (The standoff means the divorce proceedings and the ammo means legal standing.)

Then Blondie tells Tuco that "There are 2 types of people in this world one's with ammo, and one's who dig." Tuco has to dig (do the work) to discover his treasure. Blondie doesn't do it for him.

After Tuco discovers the gold, it is split half and half, but Tuco discovers that there is a noose waiting for him (consequences)and he is left standing on a rickety cross with neck in noose as Blondie rides away.

Tuco thinks he is left to die with the treasure at his feet, but Blondie once again comes back and shoots the noose from around Tuco's neck and Tuco is left in the desert with his treasure. Tuco calls Blondie a son of a B and the movie ends.

Blondie had to put Tuco in that noose to protect himself from getting killed, but showed a little compassion in the end by sparing Tuco's life.

This is the harsh reality that I feel that I am in. In this standoff, in order to save myself, I have to kill the bad marriage, let STBXW dig for her own treasure, and her her responsible if need be. That requires facing my fear of conflict.

My question is what happens in the future with Tuco and Blondie? Do they ever see each other again? Do they change and become friends again? I guess they both got their treasure (happiness) so maybe it doesn't matter.

Any thoughts?

[job]

I suspect that at some point down the road, Tuco and Blondie will become friends. Both will need to let go of the past, accept the fact that you can't change the past and move forward. At least both will begin anew w/clean slates and my goodness, what you can do w/a clean slate!

The future is not ours to worry about right now...we only need to focus on the present (a gift from the man upstairs).

[WenikiTiki]

Dang Tested! You sure are a deep thinker!

I like the clean slate thought!

And the treasure (Happiness) is a nice thought!!!

[tested metal]

Well STBXW was cake eating. She now has another OM who is younger but along the same lines as the last OM.

I finally had it with the pattern that keeps happening when she wants to be BFFs, only to find out that she is still flaunting affairs in public.

I addressed the issue last night with her and cut the cord. I told her that right now there has been too much hurt and I am tired of being used. She replied that she wanted to be friends for D1s sake. I replied that I don't think that it is good to have a friendship because of a 3rd party, but you should want to be friends because you want to be friends and you like the person, not use them. Her comment kept giving me the message that I am just the father of her child and that if D1 was not around, she would be gone with the wind.

I am sorry but I can not be friends with someone like that. I will be friendly and cordial, but that is it. It is time for me to move on. Maybe someday down the road this may be repaired but I am not holding my breath.

I am going as dim as I can now as I really don't want to talk with her any longer.
If this makes me an A-hole, then so be it.

Thank you all for your support. I don't know if I will post any longer but I will be lurking for sure.

You are welcome to bring on the 2x4s if they are warranted. I still have a lot to learn.

[job]

TM,
I'm sorry. There will be no 2x4's coming from me. You've done everything you can. Step back, detach even more and yes, you can be cordial to her, but that doesn't mean you have to be there to rescue her every time she needs something.

Continue moving forward.

[seeking answers]

TM,

Please continue to post. We could care less about your W, but we do care about you. Let her twist in the wind. This is your journey, this is about you. We're all walking this together and we continue to learn from each other.

[canadianMrs.]

I agree with snodderly and sa, although I don't have much advice because I'm still somewhat new to this journey, but I just came to the same conclusion with my H in April. I could have written almost the same post as you (I probably did). Detaching has been the best thing. I wish I had done it earlier, but I don't think I was ready to do it to this extent before. Now I am at peace that I have done my best, and now it is time for me to heal. No one will fault you for your choice. I too, was looking for a friendship, but they aren't at a place to be a good friend. A friendship is about give and take, and they are only about the take right now.
Since I'v detached though, I do see H not as confident in his choices. I'm sure he had this pretty picture in his head how he's have it all. A stream of gf's, see his kids when he liked,be the cool/fun dad, be my best friend, stay close with my family etc. None of that is true, and a lot of his family are not happy with him either. Oh and his friends? Not many left...not including his new ones that are 10 years younger than him.
I'm not sure about your W, but I have a strong feeling that my H wanted to be good friends so that he could keep tabs on me, and limit my chances of moving on with someone else..keep me emotionally invested in him.
Plus, by you detaching this is your W's chance to see the full consequences of her choices/actions. She might talk like the children are the reason for wanting you in her life, but do you really buy that?

All the best, and keep coming here. Detaching/"being done" is still part of the MLC journey.

[tested metal]

Last night, STBXW freaked out and sent me texts clearly indicating she wanted to work on relationship and that she kissed me that night to apparently tell me that.

Then she said she was ecpecting me, the DEFENDANT, to go to court to get filing undone. After calmly explaining to her the process, I let her know that if she wants any form of decent relationship with me she needs to start acting like it, including the stop of the deceit.

This morning she wanted to go through the storage unit and then demanded I talk to her mother regarding tax filing for head of household next year. I told her that i already called and my decision stood. Then she threatened that unless she gets head of household she "would not sign papers." I told her that this was her divorce and that affects me none.

Then she laid into me about asking for her recent tax return for child support purposes because she was claiming a lot lower income level and it afects child support payments.

I replied all of it with "Do you want me to go through the storage with you or not."

This is getting a little easier now that I have cut the cord. She is truely showing her true colors and I am sick of it.

As for me, last night I went out and had fun with a friend. It was about time. of course i was getting texts the entire night from STBXW, but I ignored them. I pretty much went dark all day until i was ready to respond.

[job]

TM,
She is in panic mode because she now senses that you are standing your ground and distancing yourself from her. Why would you go to court and get the filing overturned? She's the one that filed and she's the only one that can stop it. Again she's looking for someone to take care of her.

Your stbxw has a very funny way of showing you that she wants to work on the relationship. Kisses don't make the boo boos go away...hard work does. The leopards spots are coming through loud and clear and unfortunately, she's got a lot of work to do to become a mature woman. She is still playing as the little girl who needs rescuing.

I'm glad to see you went out and had some fun. It's about time that you did something "fun" for yourself.