Needing some guidance... 4

[Accuray]

JKS,

This situation is horribly difficult. When you're thinking of filing for D, what are you looking for? Really it may not change your sitch for the better at all, but I'm curious what you're looking to get out of it. If you're looking for closure, I don't know that a finalized D will deliver that for you, as closure is really a state of mind. If you're looking for a reaction from H, he may not react the way you want him to and then what have you gained? I'm not saying not to file, I just want to make sure it's going to accomplish whatever goal you have in mind.

WRT the kids and your finances, one idea would be to start preparing for the long haul -- which is to say recognize that you could be in this limbo situation for quite a while. Two things to think about:

1) It's not doing you or H any good to be "winging it" on the finances from month to month, because it forces uncomfortable conversation and precludes your ability to detach. One suggestion would be to come up with a budget of what you will need to cover expenses, kids, support for you, etc. and get him to agree on a monthly or twice monthly deposit into your account. You'll then agree that if things come up over the top of that, you'll discuss them. I think you should look to get into a situation where you have a direct deposit hitting your account, you know how much it will be, so you don't have the stress of running out of money to deal with.

2) WRT the kids, it's tough, because asking for no PDA on the kids behalf can just seem like complaining/controlling versus truly looking out for their welfare. I know you really ARE looking out for their welfare, but the issue is that you can't enforce that, and H needs to "buy in" to make it happen. One suggestion would be to have a meeting with a family therapist. Explain the situation and tell them you want what's best for the kids. They will probably suggest rules for handoffs, PDA, etc. etc., and the rules will be bilateral, which is to say that if you start seeing someone you'll follow the same rules. This may work well because it's an independent 3rd party, and a neutral authority figure. Unfortunately meeting with a family therapist costs money, but once again you take stress out of the situation for yourself.

Since this might be a while, I'd spend some time writing down the stress-inducing issues related to H and the kids, and see if you can come up with repeatable long term plans for each so that at least you have consistency to rely upon from week to week.

There's a book called "Controlled Separation" you might want to look up -- it has templates and suggestions for things you should discuss, and agreements you should put in place.

I'm sure that the uncertainty of the situation is causing all kinds of stress, so let's remove some of the uncertainty -- there's enough stress without all that!

Accuray