I wasted so much time and energy on "whys". I went round and round until I was dizzy. I blamed myself, I blamed him, I blamed God.
Until after the kind people on here who became my friends finally got through to me. I wish I had all that time back. Although each step of this journey is important.
Nothing good comes of that way of thinking. It doesnt change anything, it doesnt help anything. What it does do is keep you stuck.
You get so hung up on trying to understand that you forget that it really doesnt matter why.
It really doesnt. Because this is something that those of us not in MLC can really ever understand.
So, try to change your mindset. It is what it is right now. Doesnt matter why.
Change the things about you that you want to change.
Be there for your children. Show them how to navigate through life's challenges with dignity and grace. They are watching you.
Use the information you have to become the best GM you can be.
S15 told me that my H told him several months ago that he lies in bed at night and wonders if he did the right thing. If he is conflicted why push for divorce?
Why? Because once they are in crisis, in their minds, they have to move forward at all costs. Keep in mind that while they are in bed at night, their thought processes are kicked into high gear and that's when they think about things. When they are up and about, their thought processes are very different and the light of day starts the compartmentalizing all over again.
In their eyes, there is no going back...only forward in the early stages. In their minds they have to do this right now and the urgency is so strong for them to go out there and search for that illusive happiness because they fear death and growing old. Your h was rational and not in depression, he would not be thinking/questioning himself only at night...he would do it in the daylight hours as well.
The crisis is not rational, so you can't rationalize why they do or think the things that they do. That's why it is very important that you keep the focus on you and what you need to do to survive.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you, snodderly. So do they process at night throughout the crisis or only right after they leave? Six months later, is my H likely still wondering if he's doing the right thing?
They can process all of the time, but it is at night when it is the quietest that they actually hear themselves. Now, for those who work at night and are home during the day, if their environment is quiet and they do not have any distractions, those folks will most likely process then.
Stop and think about it, we process info all of the time, but when we are quiet and have no distractions, that's when we actually hear the processing taking place. There is no time limit on anything in the crisis mode.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My H is being inappropriate with S12 again. H asked S if he wanted to do something this weekend. S said you need to call mom (my S has been staying with my parents during the week now that school is out). I don't know what she has planned. H says mom won't care as long as it's not last minute. S says you still need to call her. Also tells H since he is gone during the week he'd rather be home this weekend. H replies I guess I will need to take your mom to court and you and S15 can decide who you want to live with.
This is nonsense. It seems H is refusing to call because he sees this as me controlling things. During the last blowup I told him he needed to communicate with me directly regarding any plans.
H seems to forget that he appruptly left our family. He left the boys for me to raise. He hasn't wanted to be a parent. He just wants to pick them up here and there for a few hours at a time. If he wanted things to go differently where the boys are concerned then we should have made plans for a separation/D.
I doubt he's going to take this to court. He would then have to own up to his actions. I know the entire timeline and have documents to prove all of it including his on-line dating profiles which clearly show a man trolling for sex.
I know I am doing much better since I don't get rattled by H easily anymore. I will just give my attorney the information and let her take it from there.
Now that I have better boundries my H seems to be angrier. Last weekend he said he thought that I had finally lost mine mind. He also accused me of wanting to know what he is up to and said I was jealous. Not so. I'm hurt by all of this, but not jealous, but I kept that to myself.
For my H control Is a big thing. He yelled at me a few weeks ago that he was his own man and I was no longer going to control him. Well, I have not controlled him. Because he is PA and CA he felt controlled. There's nothing I can do about that. It seems that he has finally found his voice and I'm now on the receiving end of all the emotional outbursts that he didn't have dating back to childhood. Does anyone have experience with this?
My biggest challenge throughout all of this is not reacting to all of the threats and spew. Honestly, at the moment I feel unemotional. I feel zero desire to call my H about anything. He remains blocked so he can't text. That was his preferred method of communication so he likely feels controlled by me.
I still do quite a bit of reading regarding MLC, men and depression to understand all of this. I no longer feel the need to fix this. Of course, I never could anyway. I have to continue to pray a lot to be reminded that God is in control. I know he wants me to be happy and to have a good life. For a planner like me it's hard to let go of the reigns. I loved being married and being part of a family, so letting go of the dream has been the hardest part. I want to be married again some day, so I'm just thing putting those thoughts out there and letting God do the rest. So very hard!
GM, Your h is trying to manipulate your son. He's trying to scare him into agreeing to visit w/him. Your h doesn't want to call you to discuss the matter and he doesn't want to acknowledge that your son is a minor and still has to clear things through you.
I seriously doubt that he'll go to court over this because it may just backfire on him. He thinks he is the big bad wolf, but little does he know that your house is made of bricks. The more you stick to your boundaries, the madder he will get...but you know what? Who cares? He's got to learn the consequences of his actions.
Do something special w/your children. They need to know that clearing things through you is the right decision.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
In yesterday's mail there was a card for my H from his aunt. I can't imagine that he hasn't told her that he moved out over six months ago.If he didn't I'm sure his sister did. I also continue to receive all of his other mail including his credit card statement. He hasn't even changed his address with the marketing department at work. His name is still on the utilities, insurance, etc. He only changed his address with payroll. What's with this? He still has clothes, memorabilia and books in the garage. He has searched for things a few times when he's picked up the boys. Why not just take it? It would take five minutes to throw boxes in the car. If I had moved I would want all of my belongings and I certainly would want to receive my mail.
A few weeks ago when he took the initiative to pay the AAA renewal (he needed his car towed and I hadn't renewed yet) he could have easily just updated the account and told me I was responsible for my own membership. Instead, he tells me he's paid it and I'll receive our cards.
I know I should tell him to get his things and change his address. That will be even more of a reality check. I will in due time. In the meantime, it's as if he's just working away from home. He's not here, but the rest hasn't changed.
It's been a week since he last spewed at me. It's so much better having zero contact, but we can't keep it up forever. He will have to contact me regarding visitation with the kids. It won't surprise me if he has his lawyer contact mine to set something up. He knows I'm done with his ridiculous behavior. That's where the threats came from. I stood my ground with him and was pretty calm.
