The point is that your wife continues to not have any hardships based on her choices. You're paying for everything while she ran around with another guy. Your MIL pays for the mortgage, she really doesn't have to do anything.
If you are adamant about moving out, I would suggest you give her a date, so she knows she has to find a job by then. Then tell her that you will be cancelling her insurance but will keep the kids on yours. She's not your problem any more. And besides, you need the money for your rent.
Also, I would suggest that you talk to your kids. Ask them how they feel. Just because your W is rug-sweeping doesn't mean that you should too.
She needs that dose of reality.
MrBond, welcome back my friend. I'm under the impression that the physical contact with the W's BF has stopped but not for sure. W is watching the S7 & S12 while school is summer session. But at night while I'm at work I'm not sure whats going on.
I'm still searching for a place and W knows this. She is a little worried right now what is going to happen when I start supporting her.
I got the new job and they want me to start in two weeks! I need to open my own bank account now, I guess that should be the next task.
M44 / W43 Married 24 / Together 24.5 S12 S7 ILYBNILWY/Bomb: 4-15-2012 Counseling started 5-1-2012 Counseling ended 6-7-2012
The point is that your wife continues to not have any hardships based on her choices. You're paying for everything while she ran around with another guy. Your MIL pays for the mortgage, she really doesn't have to do anything.
If you are adamant about moving out, I would suggest you give her a date, so she knows she has to find a job by then. Then tell her that you will be cancelling her insurance but will keep the kids on yours. She's not your problem any more. And besides, you need the money for your rent.
Also, I would suggest that you talk to your kids. Ask them how they feel. Just because your W is rug-sweeping doesn't mean that you should too.
She needs that dose of reality.
MrBond, welcome back my friend. I'm under the impression that the physical contact with the W's BF has stopped but not for sure. W is watching the S7 & S12 while school is summer session. But at night while I'm at work I'm not sure whats going on.
I'm still searching for a place and W knows this. She is a little worried right now what is going to happen when I start supporting her.
I got the new job and they want me to start in two weeks! I need to open my own bank account now, I guess that should be the next task.
when I start supporting her I ment STOP supporting her
M44 / W43 Married 24 / Together 24.5 S12 S7 ILYBNILWY/Bomb: 4-15-2012 Counseling started 5-1-2012 Counseling ended 6-7-2012
"Also, I would suggest that you talk to your kids. Ask them how they feel. Just because your W is rug-sweeping doesn't mean that you should too."
Your W may or may not be telling your kids anything. Overall, she's not being honest with herself and everyone else. Rather than realizing that there is a problem, she self-medicates with another guy. She sweeps the problems under the rug and fills her thoughts with external stimuli to keep her mind off of it.
In her mind that's fine, but your kids feel the tension going on. You don't want them to draw their own conclusions and figure things out on their own. You have to show them that you are there to give them love and support, regardless if they want it or not.
When you don't allow them to discuss their fears and anxieties about their family breaking out, they start thinking that it's their fault or it's something that YOU did which is why you're leaving.
Initially my kids were like that and tried to put up a brave front by telling me nothing was wrong. But I could sense it. I slowly learned how to talk to them so that they opened up a little at a time. Let your boys know that their father is there for them. The will look up to you for that.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"Also, I would suggest that you talk to your kids. Ask them how they feel. Just because your W is rug-sweeping doesn't mean that you should too."
Your W may or may not be telling your kids anything. Overall, she's not being honest with herself and everyone else. Rather than realizing that there is a problem, she self-medicates with another guy. She sweeps the problems under the rug and fills her thoughts with external stimuli to keep her mind off of it.
In her mind that's fine, but your kids feel the tension going on. You don't want them to draw their own conclusions and figure things out on their own. You have to show them that you are there to give them love and support, regardless if they want it or not.
When you don't allow them to discuss their fears and anxieties about their family breaking out, they start thinking that it's their fault or it's something that YOU did which is why you're leaving.
Initially my kids were like that and tried to put up a brave front by telling me nothing was wrong. But I could sense it. I slowly learned how to talk to them so that they opened up a little at a time. Let your boys know that their father is there for them. The will look up to you for that.
MrBond, Thanks for the reply, I will do exactly this. I agree with what you are saying and I'm already persuing a detachment. Things are looking good.
M44 / W43 Married 24 / Together 24.5 S12 S7 ILYBNILWY/Bomb: 4-15-2012 Counseling started 5-1-2012 Counseling ended 6-7-2012
Here's a couple of things I am concerned about in your stitch. One being that you believe moving out will solve the detachment problem. I'm not sure you understand the emotional detachment needed.
The second one is your sons. I don't think S7 will go with you. He's still his mamma's baby boy, and if you're having doubts that he's even your son....he will perceive feelings of rejection.
You haven't said that much about S12, but be prepared for his rebellion at some point.
You have depended upon your W to run the home to the point you haven't much clue on how to do it. Do you have babysitting arrangements made?
The only part I really agree on is getting out from under your MIL's financial control of your home. That's a trap for any man, no matter how loving & supportive his in-laws are. I hope any men reading this will see that if he's living in his in-laws house or if they are financing it, he won't have a place of his own if there is ever a split.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi, I'm still "Gridlocked" on moving out. Here is what's going on. I have a great new job on a regular 1st shift starting in 10 days and I've opened my own individual bank account to direct deposit funds from selling my selfish hobby stuff and for direct deposit for my new employer. The new position is going to require working about 10-12 hours a day at first for a few months. This is going to be nice for the financial situation as well as the pay increase. I've been looking into renting a townhome about 15 miles away from where I live now and closer to the new job. It's hard to decide and know exactly what I should get since I've never lived on my own before. My plan is to let the W have primary custody and I'll support her and the boys with medical and what I can afford limited financial support. The W says she's looking for a job but nothing yet. So things would be still very rough for her to live and support S7 & S12 and her grandma without support from her mom. The Pastor at the church my wife and I go to has been advising me to stay with the family and "fight evil with good" philosophy. And be a good father and start doing more disciplining, as the W has done most of that for the past 10 years. I’ve never done this before and it’s difficult with our situation as she and I disagree on allot of this. W has more experience at this and I have very little. One topic is the fact that S12 spends 2/3 of the week over at one of his best friend’s house and their family instead of at home. I don’t feel this is healthy for him and it makes it difficult for me to know him. The W knows the friend’s parents better than I, but I still feel that is not the right way to live. All my friends are telling me to move out and show her the consequences’ of her choice. I’m having difficulty trying to talk to the W now as she does things as ignore something I ask, and I know she heard me but pretends not to listen and when she does there is no eye contact and very limited response (i.e. short comments, instead of a conversation). As far as W’s relationship with her old boyfriend, I don’t think they see each other as often now, but still feel there is communication thru texting as she spends allot of time secretly on her phone.
M44 / W43 Married 24 / Together 24.5 S12 S7 ILYBNILWY/Bomb: 4-15-2012 Counseling started 5-1-2012 Counseling ended 6-7-2012
