Well tonight after the H went to the bar - wasn't too long - we talked and he repeated that he was depressed and said it wasn't just work (no kiddin). So I said well what else? He said he didn't know. So I said I thought it was about getting older and he s not quite admitting to it but I know for sure that's part of it. I told him maybe it was about us. Didn't say alot but did say that I was calmer and that helped him. Then he said sometimes he wished he could go back to a year ago (thats before the whole affair started) I said I wished the same and that its like a bad dream I will wake up from. I told him we are all getting older and he has to come to grips with it.
All of his over busyness is not helping him one bit. I thinks he is realizing he can't find that fountain of youth by running around like a chicken with it's head cut off.
well I am seeing some changes. My h wants to talk to me almost every night and I listen to his problems til he gets it out. We went out to dinner and he told me I looked nice. Long time since I heard a complement. On fathers day his friend came over and I overheard him say to my husband that he was burning a candle for him,that no matter what happened they would still be friends and "hey ya gotta be happy don't ya?" That bugged me, but his wife said the same thing to me.
This week my husband kissed me and hugged me once and today I gave him a hug and he hung on to me for awhile. Still no intimacy but I think i am starting to detach. My emotions have been more under control for longer periods of time. I opened the bible for a listtle help and it said to trust in the lord one time and to have patience another. Thats what I'm gonna do and keep doing 180's.
Rachael, Put your fath and trust in God and he will guide you. Patience is the other key to the situation. It takes a lot of patience and there are some days that you want to just scream to the mountain tops. What I use to do is put a rubberband on my wrist and each and every time something bugged me or I was beginning to lose patience, I would snap it.
Keep your expectations at zero and you'll be okay.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Snodderly I wonder if anyone has had this kind of experience where a husband who had the affair, did not want to be intimate. I read about a couple in the divorce remedy book like that. Just wondered if anyone on here had that experience and how long it took for them to come around.
That sounds like some positive progress...but as Snodderly says, keep them thar expectations at zero...!
This could be a "touch'n'go" ... I let myself get expectations ramped up with those in my sitch, and was crushed when W distanced again, so protect yourself!
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Rachael, Some come around and others don't. Some will say that by having sex, it keeps the connection w/the mlcer. I personally, feel that it is cake-eating. Also, if your man is out there running the streets having an affair or two, I would strongly urge you to be tested for STDs as soon as possible. When they are on the loose like this, they aren't thinking with the right head and believe me, there have been a few posters that have reported contracting STDs on this board and other boards as well.
Please understand that when they are like this, you do not want to become a doormat and allow him to have his cake and it too.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
you asked if I hired a DB coach for 3 sessions (b/c the packages make it a bit cheaper than hiring them one session at a time).
I did that and ended up buying 5 packages for a total of 15 sessions. Worth every penny.
And the workshop I mentioned to you is NOT in Michigan. It's on the east coast mainly. I flew in from Alaska to do it. Worth every penny.
As much as I relied on my faith too, I also knew God did not want me to "wait."
HE wanted me to DO and so I did.
You are gardening and praying...those are good things to do.
But imo, they are NOT GAL things.
you must reach OUT of your comfort zone and JOIN something, volunteer, or meet new people, soon. Like this week.
It's crucial that new people come into your life so you don't always obsess about the relationship. And it'll do your ego a lot of good.
And btw, from your posts, your h sounds like a lousy h and a worse father...
If that is true, I hope you'll come to see that has to count more in your life.
make sure this is about wanting a better healthier marriage to THIS man
than it is about your wounded pride or fear of being rejected.
I'm NOT judging you, but telling you I had to make that same distinction.
Took a lot of time to study my marriage and see where it was lacking, where my h was lacking and most important, where I myself, was lacking.
Then I learned my rights and knew I"d be fine either way. Then I CHOSE to work on myself
and become the best woman I could become. My h wanted to reconcile but I was not so sure. I knew I would not go back to what the marriage had become.
My h made his changes, and we CHOSE to restore our marriage. We went to Retrovaille about a year into Piecing b/c we felt ourselves backsliding...and it helped right us and that was excellent.
We also both attended that workshop I told you about, but first we went separately so I would not feel inhibited and b/c some of my stuff, has nothing to do with my h, although it does affect our marriage. Same for him.
It's the most profound experience either of us ever had. The first time we went, was over 20 years ago, long before his MLC (or whatever it was). But that's also when our marriage was at its' best and strongest and others often commented on how well we got along and how we had each other's back and truly admired each other. Later I attended it again (@ no additional charge, btw and that makes it the best long term deal on the planet) and so did h, together w/me.
That was a real highlight in our marriage, imo. So many breakthroughs in one long weekend, like 4 years of great SBT therapy all combined.
But if you feel that hiring a DB coach is radical, then you're not likely to go to a workshop on the east coast. So I'm not going to push it.
I just think there's a certain passivity to your efforts which could be addressed.
Anyhow, we're here rooting for you.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks Snodderly My h insists that he is not seeing the OW. Says he doesn't want sex with her or anyone else. (told me this weeks ago) Says it only brings trouble. Well Yeah! for him it did! I have no way of knowing if he started up with her again. This is the only affair he has had. I have been tested for stds because initially we had sex after I talked him into it but haven't had it for several weeks now. Says he is not going to use me if his feelings for me don't come back.
I used to snoop but I stopped because it was causing me emotional distress wondering constantly if he was lying to me or seeing her behind my back. I have been in better control lately. He has noticed and so communication has been better. Still sleeps on the far side of the bed, but sometimes he gets a little closer. He is careful not to look at me when I undress, I notice, and sometimes walks out of the room. It's a trial being patient.
The behavior that he is exhibiting is very typical of someone in mlc. Rachael, if his lips are moving, you can't believe everything he tells you.
Yes, it is a trial to be patient, but you can do it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hey 25, Thanks for your post. Yea I need to do more. Is that what you mean by my passivity? Since I am not working and h is not happy about that,and because my h is neglecting some bills,he is not going to pay for the counseling. I have some emergency money I put aside but I don't know if I want to use that right now.
I go from wanting to save this marriage to sometimes wanting him out. This "numb" and "confused" business of his is getting old. He is going out twice a week now and I asked how he would feel if I hung out at the bar 2x a week for 2 or 3 hours at a time? He said he wouldn't mind. Last night I got bored listening to him talk about his not caring about anything for the hundredth time and telling me he is going to his friends house because his friend seems down and needs him. He asked if I minded and I said go ahead. But I'm kinda pissed. What about our family and me? I got up and said I was taking a shower, then I went downstairs to be away from him. Yesterday he took his buddies from work sailing. He is running away without leaving me.
I am volunteering for a church thing next month and I am trying to figure out what else to volunteer for. Maybe a soup kitchen and there is a knitting club that I need to check out. When I think about the problems in my marriage, I think my husband has always been selfish, he always did what he wanted as far as going out,while I raised the kids. Even if he did become less confused, the problems would have to be addressed. I hate this being on the fence behavior. I would like to have a better marriage with him but I don't know how patient i can be.
I was thinking when he goes out to his friends tonight that I should not be home when he gets back. I may take myself to a movie. And when he asks where I was should I just say I was out and leave it at that? Like I said before, I have been on my own and raised my oldest son for 6 years before I remarried.
