Something The Boys And I Have Noticed

[25yearsmlc]

what Snodderly said.

And a tiny story. My uncle left my lovely aunt for OW decades ago. OW's h had killed himself when he learned of the affair and uncle actually admitted he felt he "owed it to OW to raise HER kids"...he did not raise his own.

Aunt was a single mom for awhile, then remarried, happily and her 2nd h raised the kids with her.

A funny thing happend Years into that marriage, OW called my aunt. OW (now uncle's wife) asked my aunt where uncle was.

OW wanted to know if uncle was there, with aunt...meaning, uncle was still cheating!!

Aunt said she suddenly had a weight lifted off her shoulders as she realized what a FAVOR her ex h had done for her. While married, She had often horrible stomach aches as she often suspected an affair or wondered where he was, feeling that sick worry and gut wrenching doubt. Once upon a time they were very happy. But uncle was, or became, a serial adulterer.

None of that for aunt though. No more. But OW had it and would always have it...good riddance.

Aunt's 2nd h died after 25 years...she was SAD. But she GAL like no one else I know.

She's been in a committed r now for 10 years. With a younger man of course b/c she's 72 and looks 55.

Uncle? Who knows? But he barely knows his own grandkids and aunt is in there lives daily.

If the best revenge is a life well lived, my aunt "wins".

Your ex w has done you a favor. I don't care if she's "happy", really deliriously so, or faking it or lying about it. OR if she knows the difference. I do not care.

All we care about is how YOUR LIFE IS, and your son's.

Will that ever be YOUR PRIORITY?

This has been going on way too long to pretend it's healthy.


Tad, go get some tools so YOU can be your priority.

[tadpole1025]

AJ, Wen, 25 and Snodderly thank you. I know it is time to move on, get a life, let her go, detach and all the other good stuff. I've done better at some of it, but I guess I still need some work.

I've had a few days for it to sink in and I've had dreams about the wedding the past two nights. The funny thing is, she can't understand why some of our boys are not happy for her.

I guess this whole MLC thing would have been so much easier on me if we had had a bad marriage, but we did not. She just became a different person and so self-absorbed.

As for MLC, everyone says it stems from depression. Well, they sure don't act depressed do they?

Yesterday, she got into a long argument via text with S19. She wanted to know why he is not talking to her. He told her that he doesn't accept it and will never accept it. Also told her that he will never meet OM. She said that she wants him to be happy for her then went on a long tirade about how I didn't make her happy anymore, didn't make her a priority, how she tried for years to make the marriage work blah blah f*cking blah. I guess he finally quit talking to her because he and I were bowling and he told her to leave him alone.

She also said how wonderful life is and that she is happy with OM or without OM. (Seems to me that if she loved him, she wouldn't be happy without him.)

I know this can be blamed on MLC, but I guess I am having a hard time just standing back and watching how self-absorbed she is. It is really pretty bad.

As for me, I DO like my freedom, but things are still rough. I was thinking the other day: It is one thing that she left me, but I guess the way that she did it is what hurts the most.

Just venting again.

Tad

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Tad,

I understand that you are venting. You got a bit of a sucker punch.

So...this is kid glove stuff:

(Seems to me that if she loved him, she wouldn't be happy without him.)

It's borderline co-dependancy if you are only happy if with someone...and its unfair to that person to be responsible for your happiness.

I am happy without my wife.
I am happy with my wife.
I prefer to be around my wife.

[dl443322]

Tad, I'm sorry. I know that it hurts to hear she is remarrying.

Here's the thing. You need to change your mindset about a few things.

One being, as Jack said, only we can make ourselves happy.

And you keep reiterating what she has said about you in texts to your son (though I dont understand why you know what was written). You say them as though you still dont understand why she says them.

Really, it's how she feels. Doesnt matter if its true or not. Doesnt matter if you believe them or not. Doesnt matter if she says them again and again.

What matters is this. You need to really believe that you can be happy - with you. You get to choose what kind of life you have. You get to choose how you feel.

You need to really let go of her, Tad. Stop trying to figure it out. She feels what she feels. You know your truth.

She is walking her journey. It is hers to walk.

You walk yours.

[25yearsmlc]

AMEN ^^^^....beautifully put.

And as Jack noted, the comment your w made that she's happy with or without her OM, makes sense to me. I mean, if it were anyone but your ex wife

you'd see it as the healthy comment it is. I don't know if it's true but she feels it so who cares?

Try not to know these comments, don't ask your sons about them. It makes it harder for THEM to have a decent r with their mom b/c they feel disloyal to YOU

and you make it clear that it IS disloyal in your eyes for them to be happy about anything she does.

That's not really fair to them and in the long run does more damage.


And please stop wondering WHY. Did you really read my post? My neighbor's d is 11 and has cancer and neither she nor her dad ask that question.

He lost his WIFE a few years back, suddenly, & had 4 young kids to raise alone and NOW has one with cancer...to this day I never heard a word of self pity or wallowing from him.

You don't seem to realize that in a way, you sound self absorbed when you talk of all your loss and how unfair it all is.

Your wife left you, and it hurts and it feels unfair. I GET THAT.

But in the grand scheme of things Tad, as much as you hate me saying it,

this isn't a life deal breaker or life ender. It's a setback. And there is NOT always an answer to the question of "Why?"

I mean, do you think there is a reason why my neighbor, the widower, was widowed?

Do you think there was a REASON that His d11 now has cancer?

Can you see how useless that question is?

Move forward now...please.

((( )))


ps

Here's a SHORT piece on Detachment - which is long over due for you. Please work on that.

there is a ton of other info on Detaching all around this board.


"This was originally posted by Peanut.
============
II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we say or do things that undermine our goals.

We can NOT control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, "I am not getting what I want so I must pull back."

It is the natural acceptance of the reality that "I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."

[tadpole1025]

Jack, you're right. One Hell of a sucker punch.

Sometimes I really do believe that if she would have just stopped going to the internet dating site and stopped talking to OM, we could have saved things. We went to three counseling session before she called it off and couldn't quit talking to him. It was an addiction.

She also believes that since a lot of our relatives are divorced, that it is ok. I don't, but I guess it doesn't matter.

Brookie, you said:

And you keep reiterating what she has said about you in texts to your son (though I dont understand why you know what was written). You say them as though you still dont understand why she says them.

His phone was exploding. I asked him what was going on and he told me. He actually said she was "spewing."

25 said:

And please stop wondering WHY. Did you really read my post? My neighbor's d is 11 and has cancer and neither she nor her dad ask that question.

Yes I did. I know I need to quit wondering why. It is hard sometimes. Somedays I do really well and others I ask "why" or "how could she?"

Can you see how useless that question is?

Yep. I do. I still seem to come back to it from time to time though.

II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we say or do things that undermine our goals.

We can NOT control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

Very VERY true....but oh so hard to do.

Maybe I can be happy again someday. Maybe it is me, but sometimes I just have a really hard time grasping all that has happened and the reality of it all.

Her personality completely changed. Years back, my brother used to say to my mom: "It looks luck Tad was the lucky one. He got the good wife." Well, maybe I didn't.

She is in such a fog right now, but like Brookie said, it is her reality. It is what it is.

I am currently seeing three ladies and one of them is absolutely gorgeous (former top 5 for Ms. Arizona). But.......there is nothing there for me feelings wise. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I still feel like I've spent the last 25 years being lied to.

Thanks for all the input.

Tad

[25yearsmlc]

Her personality completely changed. Years back, my brother used to say to my mom: "It looks luck Tad was the lucky one. He got the good wife." Well, maybe I didn't.

She is in such a fog right now, but like Brookie said, it is her reality. It is what it is.

I am currently seeing three ladies and one of them is absolutely gorgeous (former top 5 for Ms. Arizona). But.......there is nothing there for me feelings wise. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I still feel like I've spent the last 25 years being lied to.

Tad

meaning, people don't change? They/we cannot change?

B/c apparently either you and the whole world was fooled by your wife

or she changed.

Which is more likely?

So now, cope with the reality of THAT.

As for not feeling anything for women who look good, so what?
You're not in the state of mind that allows you to feel safe at all.

Some folks in your shoes would only date OPs they KNOW won't leave them b/c they (ie the OPs) are not desirable. So they date losers b/c they think they are "safer". Not true btw.

Others want to "prove" themselves worthy and date the best looking or youngest around, to impress the spouse that left them.

Neither approach is healthy OR fair to the new people. If you are not ready, then so be it.

Better for you to take your time and eventually ultimately develop a lasting HAPPY r

than whiz through 3 meaningless or hurtful failed r's just to be in one asap.

Heal yourself Tad.

I swear/promise, only YOU can do this. And YOU CAN. Choose.

[WenikiTiki]

I still feel like I've spent the last 25 years being lied to.

I totally know that feeling. Insert 33 years.... But then I think about it and know those years are not wasted, and most certainly not a lie. She might be saying that, but you know it isn't true. Don't buy that story.

And quit beating yourself up. There has been some powerful stuff posted here in the past few days. I'm reading it all and ABSOLUTELY listening.

I hope you are feeling better.

Aloha,

Wendy

[AJM]

Can't say as you haven't received some really great advice. You have. And you have made a lot of progress, but you much more to go. You know the things you need to do, and the reasoning etc. You also know that you feel the things you hear and see from her because you haven't detached. Your rational mind knows, but your other mind doesn't accept. Yet. Getting closer, amigo

As for the dating. Yep, been there and done that. The first girl I dated that I cared about, I found I wasn't able to fully be in a realtionship with her because I was distracted by the hatred and games from the ex. I wasn't as detached as I thought I was. By the time I heard she was getting married to the OM, it really didn't bother me. I have other things that are far more important and it seems a natural evolution for her to do that. I wish her luck and happiness which surprised me

Keep working at it Tad. It'll come to you. It'll sink in. You'll let it wash over you and you'll keep it from getting between you and a great relationship with a new girlfriend. You'll be tired of letting this point in time ruin your life and take so much more from you than it deserves. Really.

AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Wendy and AJ.

I've had a week for the news to sink in. I am doing better. With the exception of some bad days and some really sh!tty days, I'm doing ok. Maybe it is a blessing that the wedding is still a year away. Maybe it will mean nothing to me by the time that it happens.

I've done a lot of reading here in the last few days on MLC and depression. It is so obvious what XW is going through.

I've also been doing some thinking.

A LOT of thinking...

I honestly don't think I could take her back if she wanted to.

I feel bad for the damage she has done to the relationships she has with our boys.

When I was a kid, I used to hear the older people talk about "the change of life." I never knew what that was, but I sure do now.

I had a great talk with my two youngest sons the other night. We were talking about the one good thing that came out of this mess - our relationships. We are closer now than we have ever been. I am grateful for it.

Also, I have a wonderful relationship with S19's GF. She told me that she considers me her "second daddy." I never had this before because XW didn't like her and wouldn't let her come around.

Something else: S17 said to me the other day: "you've done more living in the last 2 years than you've done your whole life." I didn't know what he meant at the time, but I think I see it now. I've been able to do some things that I couldn't do before.

I've got great kids.

I've also been thinking that it is time to do something for ME. I just don't know what yet....

Tad