i agree - when we talked about it last week - i thought about it for a couple of days - and actually realized - that the way h is right now - he's not attractive to me.
also ml is so different from having sex - and i don't know if i can do the second, at least not with him. one big issue is that he isn't using protection with ow - so i would want him to get tested first
i know why he acts so pained and painful around me - he told me several times in the first few months ( and it really surprised me every time, because i didn't expect anything). he said it's completely agonizing for him to be around me for even a few minutes because he wants so badly to touch me and ml. early on he let the 3 of us go canoeing one day, and he behaved like an angry boar the entire time, after we came back to the house and before we left he managed to tell me what the reason was - "i was in agony - i couldn't get ml'ing with you out of my mind for one minute" . it was almost as if he's mad at himself and even more at me for having those feelings. sad..
we admitted to each other (him first) around month 3 of the sitch that in the weeks of talking and crying together after the bomb drop that we both fell in love with each other more deeply than the first time around. but after those words, he still added - but i can't be with you right now, and i just have to pursue this thing with ow.
so the only way for me to look at it is, for some reason (and i believe that there definitely IS an intuitive process going on with the WAS on some level), his instinct is compelling him to stay away - until he sees something within himself or me that shows him it's okay to come back.
another thing that really stuck out that he said one day was 'i feel too vulnerable with you, i feel too exposed" . after just reading the first chapter of how to improve.. i can hopefully start to have a better understanding of what he really means
i don't know where he's at really lately. the pessimistic hopeless side of me can't imagine that he has feelings for me anymore - if he does, he hides them so well. but there is no doubt that he is too aware of me. he's definitely not indifferent, in fact the total opposite
one of these days i should make a list of all the things i've done wrong during the db'ing and find a way to reverse my position on them. things that i've said, boundaries that i've made that i see now after all this time keep him driven away
but not today. today i'm going to concentrate on getting myself grounded - s comes back tomorrow after the longest he's been away and i need to get my head back into parent mode - find myself really a bit too aware of the one week on, one week off thing and how i struggle with it.
hope you all have a great day
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
