TIME for a change

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks Brit and Valeska, I appreciate your feedback!

Brit,

I really don't think I'm angry, not toward my wife or anyone at this point really. Not even the OM, when it started out he was trying to get some loving just like any other guy. If it wasn't him would've been some other bloke I guess.


hey just a notation here^^^...it's about the 4th time in the past 36 hours you have told us you are "not angry" at w, or "at women in general" OR "At OM".

I don't believe that.
You're in an "anger management' class now for SOME reason, so maybe it's safe to say expressing anger is an issue for you.

Now I"m wondering if denying anger is. That's unfortunate, b/c what it really seems like TO ME, is that you are indeed angry but you are self censoring to hide it, though not well. AND

b/c you are frustrated that how you express anger has made your life worse and you still don't know how to healthily work through the anger...how to process it, learn empathy for the other's point of view, and then to let it go...

we all still seem to sense it. Think about it.

I wish I was more like you because you're one of the folks out here who seems to "get it", unlike myself...

I see your point, I am going to try to show concern with no agenda. For example just texted her saying "Hope you are feeling better, how are you and <sister> doing?" No response but I showed genuine concern without pursuit hopefully. I see your point that I can't just "run away", but that flies in the face of LRT/going dark which is where I seemingly need to be.

I hope she doesn't feel that way, as I haven't said anything remotely non-nice


really? Look again at your texts. I recall vaguely snide remarks in your texts.

Some of the "guess you don't want ME there" or "what? No visiting either???" and something about having someone else to take care of her instead of you, or you wished it was you "BUT" it's not, etc...

imo, that's not kindness.

since March, which was the last time I got spun up when we were talking. I'm going to take your advice going forward. Don't think I'll be able to validate anything related to the OM though, that would certainly come off as fake without question. If she is still involved with OM on 8/27, she will have a divorce decree with my signature on it to execute, that is my final boundary. Nothing mean about it, I fully expect this to happen at this point.

On your last point, that certainly isn't my primary concern. I can't do anything about how she is feeling or her recovery since she wants nothing to do with me. My point is, that this new scenario

which you knew was coming...

in my sitch is not going to help, it is only going to throw further variables in play and make things more difficult as related to my reconciliation hopes.



how do you know she won't have downtime to THINK? Ponder? Reflect?


That is my point here. I empathize with her and wish there was something I could do to help, but I can't because she isn't interested in my help or compassion I guess.

Valeska, thank you also.

I am really trying to just do things for her, a byproduct of these however is that I somehow seem to have to be involved.

explain^^^ please...Why can't you go clean a bathroom of hers, alone, or mow her lawn, or do an errand, to show her a gesture without her also being there to witness it, or what?

I really don't have any expectations of anything that I do. The only logical expectation that I have is that I expect we will be getting divorced.

Unconditional Love for my wife to me would look like anything I can do to make her happy or her life easier. That is the type thing I have been doing.

then don't make anymore comments about her that are critical, which you make HERE and

don't say how you are not angry AT HER but you ARE ANGRY AT HER "CHOICES"...anger is anger and it shows!

And that doesn't help you b/c no one wants to be around it. Hence the need to process it, empathize and LET IT GO...for real.

if you are man of faith, turn it over to GOD...let HIM handle it.

Unfortunately since we don't really communicate my only avenue to do that is to try and help her financially. I don't know what else to do.



see comment above. You seemed to think, still, that HER love language is gifts but its clearly how YOU GIVE love. So your love language that you give/express is gifts.
BUT
That might not be how she receives it. She may say "Oh nice. Thanks"and think little of it OR think it's a bribe...whereas you fixing something that is broken, taking her child to the doctor,

or spending time with her might well be how she FEELS LOVED...
[b]
We each have at least one love language we GIVE and one love language we receive,

sometimes more. What are her receiving love languages? What makes her FEEL loved?[/b]


On a side note, my considering filing on the eligible date was brought up as an idea by DB coach Cheryl whom I have spoken with 3 times. She had noted that if the sitch doesn't change that could be a final indicator of my ability/readiness to move on. I know that some people have carried on this battles for years and eventually reconciled. I also know some WAS/MLC have had to become divorced before seeing the light and wanting to work on things. Since "that" marriage is obviously over I am trying to look at the whole final divorce action as a paper exercise anyway, since that's all it is.


I don't know when I'd have felt truly done. But I do have 2 family members who divorced and remarried their exes, years later. They had kids, so contact was on going tho' not consistent. They ALL changed/improved and I don't think any of them expected to reconcile but wanted to do right by the kids...

and eventually became their best selves and what their exes, most wanted/needed. They were happier the 2nd time around. It happens.

But how would marriage to you in the future or even today

be different/better than before? Be specific. If you cannot tell us the answer

then you are not likely to be able to show it to her

and it probably means that it really would not be better/different.

So how can YOU make that possibility (ie it being better/different)

a reality?

Thanks again for you guys feedback, I appreciate yours and any other opinions. Good luck to all in your respective sitch's!