My own experience with this sort of behaviour from H was that, in the beginning, I had too many expectations with it. After a while, however, I could see that it wasn't a sign of any impending 'turn-around' on his behalf.
I had my time-frame all wrong, and kept thinking there was something I could DO/SHOW him to change his mind.
Once I started to get it and came to accept that there was nothing I could do except work on myself and try to move on, I wasn't so wrecked by his 'incongruous' behaviour (of wanting to be in the home every day to 'touch-base').
My H is a classic MLC motivated by depression so I eventually figured it's not as incongruous as it seems that he needs this sort of contact to survive.
I feel for him and I want to show him unconditional love as the father of my children. So I accept his desire to be with us each day and resist any attempts to control him. It is what it is, however. No expectations these days on my part.
I guess Vero may be working through a similar process. But the nagging thought that one is 'doing the wrong thing', DB-wise, in letting H's eat cake is a real pressure.
I'm glad we've had the chance to air the issue a bit. The thought that I'm doing completely the wrong thing has had me worried for a while.
